I subbed today in a new school and had a conversation with the teacher across the hall that went something like this:
Mrs. I work at a school and hardly know you but I’m going to ask you lots of personal questions upon first meeting you anyway: So have you been subbing lots then?
Me: Yes, actually it’s been pretty busy which has been really nice.
Mrs. I work at a school… : Uh huh. I bet your husband likes that you keep busy. (At this point she glances down and sees what I imagine is her own version of the scarlet “A”, a left hand sans wedding ring. Gasp! The horror!) Oh. Not married then?
Me: Nope. I’m not.
Mrs. I work at a school…: Hmm. So I guess your boyfriend likes that you are keeping busy?
Me: Nope, actually I’m working single status right now.
(Mrs. I work at a school gives me a blank stare as though I just responded in Swahili.)
Me: I’m flying solo. I have no boyfriend.
(Mrs. I work at a school…. looks like I just told her that I enjoy curb stomping the elderly and using puppies for target practice. Single?! At 26?! Tragic!)
Mrs. I work at a school… : Oh! I’m sorry.
And before I accepted her apology I stopped. And I thought.
Everything I see and hear lately makes it sound like if you are single it’s because you are sitting, waiting and wishing for a man. It feels like… somewhere along the way it stopped being okay just to be single. Single and not looking. Suddenly saying you want to take a break from dating sounds a lot like “I’m just adding this final nail to my coffin”. I’m not depressed or sad or turning into a recluse. I’m not too blinded by my shoe collection, obsessed with work, or too high maintenance to know a good thing when I see it. I promise. I’ve just been busy thinking about upcoming visits of friends and travel and a possible job opportunity (!) and all sorts of wonderful things that the idea of searching or hunting or waiting for a guy hasn’t popped up on the radar. In short, I’ve just been too happy living my life to wait around for a man to make my life this grand dream come true that everyone thinks will happen. And I’m okay with that. In fact, I’m fabulous with that.
So I sat there as the bell rang and the kids swarmed in eager to see who their victim substitute teacher was for the day and thought of the woman in front of me and her apology and gave her a smile and the only reply that felt right,-
Me: I’m not.
And despite the fact that I said a swear into the microphone of the partially deaf student, it was a very good day for everyone.
There’s always this stigma that single, available girl must be in want of a boyfriend (sounds like twist of jane austen there, huh?). I feel like guys don’t get it as often, or at least, it’s more socially accepted…
I get a lot of heat from my relatives, especially. To each her own!
I love that you swore into the deaf student’s mic. I’m sure you made his/her day. Awesome!
Also, I’m proud of you. Those moments, of being okay with exactly where you are in life, are so rare! I love them when they happen, and I’m hoping that I’m approaching one. I can feel that sense of calm descending, and I lurve it!
Joanne- First of all, congratulations on your nomination! I will be sure to vote. And I’m with you on the stigma, although I wonder how much of it I do to myself. As for the family, I’m lucky. The only heat they give me is on how much I am willing to spend on books (my mom understands the shoe addiction- hers is 100 times worse than mine).
Abbersnail- It was a him, and there was a gasp and then a moment of ‘well- what happens now?’ but thankfully he was an older student so I’m not AS worried. Although I still feel like an asshole. Wait, I just swore again. As for everything else- thank you. You are right- that’s exactly what the moment was, just a feeling of knowing what I was doing was absolutely exactly what I should be doing. I’m not sure there is a better feeling than that.
Boo-ya to Mrs. I’m going to assume is so unhappy in her marriage that she has to constantly reassure herself that she is doing the right thing.
It bothers me so much that we live in a society that it is a better option to be coupled and unhappy than single and happy.
Messed up.
Hi Brandy,
Thanks for this lovely and insightful story.
For me the message of your story lies in the belief that evryone is brought up to feel that they should spent part of their life after childhood looking for a partner. When they find a partner, then they can begin their adult life!
Such nonsense is still around in modern society. People who believe this may tend to feel that if someone has not found a partner by a certain age then they have, in some way, failed. People then feel pity or loathing (depending upon their personality) for such a person. This is a great shame in our modern world.
Alternatively, let’s look at the other person’s position in your story. It is clear that she had made certain assumptions about you and your life. These assumptions were clearly wrong. Once she had realised the error of her ways, she probably felt embarrassed and felt a need to apologise for herself. Maybe she felt that her assumptions had offended you and needed to apologise for this.
Whatever, I hope this encounter was also a learning experience for her.
regards
Doug
http://www.dougwoods.com
Heh, I loved your reply to her.
Sometimes my forever in relationship friends hear I am going to a party/wedding/out and they’re all “Are you hoping to meet someone?”
And usually, that is the last thing on my mind. I’m just looking forward to free cake.
Sheesh. Just because we’re single doesn’t mean that THAT’S ALL we are, y’know?
P.S I finally got around to watching that video you posted on Friday! It really was quite inspirational! Thanks for recommending it!
The thing is that she realizes that you need a man to tell you when you are happy or not.
Come on. Sheeesh.
I get this a lot at work too. Maybe it’s because the people I (we?) work with are older? But I swear, most times when I get, “so, are you dating someone?” or, “have you met someone yet?,” I just… have nothing. Because that surely isn’t my *focus* of life, as it should damn well not be. I like your response to her. And, I mean, hell, we have our whole lives to be all coupled up, what’s the flipping rush anyway?, and what makes single so bad to people? Scarlet S anyone?
If I could eat this post, I would.
What sheer brilliance. Being single is not something to APOLOGISE for. It doesn’t mean you’re a failure etc. etc (insert society stereotypes). I’m flying solo – and it’s the best way to fly. I can choose my own route.
(take that in any way you wish. HAAA)
xo
For the past four or so weddings in my family, I’ve had people tell me, “you’re next.” So at the next funeral I attend, that’s exactly what I’m going to say to THEM. Old farts.
Why do I picture Mrs. I work at a school as looking like the teacher from a Christmas story.
ok, now what was the word you accidentally said to the deaf student??
I get this same thing all the time! Then I look at my friends who are in relationships just so they have someone and I feel much better. I’d rather spend years alone than 5 minutes with someone who isn’t right for me. I wish people would get over this perception that everyone has to be paired up every instance of their life.
I think I’ve used the same or a very similar response. What is there to be sorry about, for these people? It’s really the most ridiculous sentiment anyone could come up with. “I lost my dog” or “I have a hangnail” are things you say sorry about. Sheesh!
Good for you – aint nothing to apologize for. Me personally – I think doing all those things will make you more complete, more aware and more likely to meet a man. And the swear – that is classic!
Awesome! Just out of curiosity: how do you feel about cats? :)
And I too would like to know what the swear word was…
Amen, amen, a thousand times AMEN!
Good for you for saying that. I think I would’ve just told her to fuck off. I’m 29 and am not even thinking about dating guys … does that make me even more pathetic? I hate people who measure your worth by if you’ve got a man in your life.
Good for you! That’s the only right answer to those attitudes – is she out of the 1940s by the way? It’s too bad – I have friends who are that way too and whoever a relationship that they’ve pinned all their self worth on, not because they’re with a great guy but just because they’re with someone, falls apart so do they.
You’re whole as you are miss, and I’m glad you are enjoying it.
I bet her husband likes her keeping busy because she’s probably impossible to spend time around!
Excellent, the whole thing :)
ugh… i hate how people think if you aren’t dating someone- something’s wrong with you. (or even if you are single and don’t like anyone at the moment). i’m single and i love it. sure there are times it’d be nice to be with someone- but i’m never lonely. i have tons of friends around. idk…. it’s lame how they ‘pity’ single people but in the same breath talk about how they miss their single life.
Good for you! I LOVE that you responded that way!
I also am giggling about the swear word! Way too funny!
love it!
and just because you are single and not actively looking, doesn’t mean you are going to turn away prince charming if he comes knocking at your door. i’d rather be single and not actively looking, than single, going on loads of dates, and feeling desperate.
You really seem to get an unreasonable number of idiotic people commenting on being single. Where the hell are you finding these losers?!
You are awesome. Hold on to that feeling. It is great to be happy – with or without a man! I LOVED this post!!
Can I making a sweeping generalization about Mrs. Hitched? I bet she married her high school sweetheart and is so freaking out of touch with how the real world operates, as evidenced by this exchanged. I could be way off base as has been known to happen.
Celebrate being single I say. There are plenty of benefits to the single life.
PP- Yeah, I get what you are saying totally, but sometimes I feel that… that the people who are oblivious and say such things aren’t really even jerks, or that unhappy. I think sometimes it just comes from the idea that they are so happy in a couple, why wouldn’t I want to be in one? At least, that’s the sort of feeling I get with some people. It’s selfish but not intentionally hurtful, which always feels worse.
Hope- I’m glad you liked the lecture!! (EGAN- Did you read that?! Someone WATCHED it! I kid.) Anyway, I think you raise a good point- the idea that being ‘single’ is one of the main ways to classify me, or anyone else that’s unattached just feels silly.
Peter- I do love when you make sense of people I can’t make sense of. Do you think I could hire you to decode a few more people in my life?
brookem- I know! Your comment reminded me of one of my favourite posts by E.B, where she talks about how she has her WHOLE life to be married, what’s wrong with not being married right now? I think people sometimes forget that marriage is a forever thing, or that’s how it should be viewed and in the great scope of my life, being single right now isn’t horrible.
Rosanna- I’m glad you undersand. It’s the part where people apologize to me, as though they’ve offended me by making me say I’m single. As though if they didn’t ask, I would never share that information. It all feels so weird.
Valerie- That made me giggle.
MC- It was “shit”, but honestly, it was sort of a freak incident. I had to wear the headset, and all the kids were outside for recess. I was cleaning up at the back of the room and sprayed water on myself. I whispered ‘shit’ then hear a gasp and see that my hearing impaired student had been sent back in to get a coat and had heard me. It was a weird moment.
em- Yep, I know what you are saying. Although, sometimes I admit I’m one of those people who believes people should be paired up. Then I have to shake my head and realize that such thinking just contributes to the problem…
justrun- Exactly!!! That’s exactly it.
Anne- Thanks friend. And I understand what you are saying. The people I know who are in the most healthy relationships (or who appear to be in the most healthy relationships) are the ones who were happy BEFORE they found the guy.
wolf- Cats? Meh. I understand why people like them but I’m much more of a dog person. I don’t want to work so hard to gain the love of something. Hmm. Perhaps this is why I’m single? ;)
tiff- Thanks! I’m glad others can find that they relate to this, or can understand where I am coming from…
Airam- Your second sentence is why I adore you.
Kyla Bea- Yes, the whole “keeping busy” aspect of it all was a bit weird.She really kept going back to that, and even at the end of the day came in to see if I was still ‘keeping busy’. Maybe it’s just a phrase she likes, who knows.
Kathryn- Thanks lady!!
AP- Yeah… the thing is I’m sure there will be a day soon where I see a couple hand in hand wearing matching sweaters giggling as snow falls, and I will think “I want THAT” (okay maybe not the matching sweater bit) but I don’t want it today. This second. And not wanting it isn’t wrong, just as the idea of wanting it isn’t either.
Tori- Oh man. I’m giggling TODAY about the swear word. Yesterday… not so much!!
k- Yep, I couldn’t agree with you more. Dating just to say I’m dating does have it’s benefits (hello free dinner!) but can also be hugely exhausting.
CableGirl- I live in a city where everyone is coupled. Everyone married their highschool sweetheart (Egan, I think you were on to something), or that they just found someone to be with really young. 26 and unattached here is not the norm. Maybe I should move? I wonder where the single capital of the world is?
The Exception- Thanks lady! I’m going to try to hang out it. One of the great things I love about blogging is that it allows me to look back on events like this on days when I’m feeling very ‘ the world is against me and I am going to die alone and great!, now I’m even speaking in sad cliches, my life is over’ and feel better.
Egan- No, I think there is some merit to your generalization. I got the feeling from talking to her that she would have been married to her highschool sweetheart. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but it sometimes sets up a ‘mindframe’ that makes it hard to relate to single people. Such as the case yesterday.
I hate that stigma attached to women who are single. Even though I am not I have a ton of single girlfriends and they are happy just being that. SINGLE! As I am sure you are. It’s kinda like the stigma that once you are married you have to start popping out babies right away. Never mind actually enjoying your spouse for a little bit before you world gets turned upside down. I have to agree with Egan, enoy it while you can (the being single that is) it can be alot of fun!
Hells yeah. It seems odd someone would assume you’re taken just because you are a certain age or have a certain profession. I’m going to tar and feather her in my sleep.
im an idiot. i meant to actually mention EB in my comment too- because what i said was from some of her wisdom to me one time…
sorry, im not all there today!
oh yeah I’m always getting those pitying looks. I should invent a boyfriend (George Glass).
I have to research this George Glass character Mez mentions.
Research complete, still perplexed.
Never really got the ‘poor you single person’ idea. In fact, the only time I ever found what I was looking for was when I wasn’t looking. I was in denial for a good 3 months before reluctantly accepting a ‘relationship’. Best thing I ever did.
i loved your reply. and i hope that in a few months i’m as comfortable (and proud) of being single as you are. i mean why “single” single people out? give us a break!
I really really do adore you.
Heh, these days even the guys are getting the “pity”, though I know it’s far worse for a woman (“oh, you’re single? How horrible“). What’s interesting is how black and white everyone sees it: if you’re single, you must be unhappy, and the only way you can be happy is if you’re not looking. Which is just silly, we humans are more complex than that…
Semichrmd- I love this! And I know what you mean, about being married and waiting for kids. I feel so bad for all my married friends- if they so much as hold a baby all the ‘that looks good on you!’ comments come out. I like the idea of just being married for awhile without kids…
egan- She was older. Tar and feathering might be bad for her heart. What about a stern talking to?
brookem- Hey! Not only did you send me a great email, you sent me a great card. If this is an ‘off day’ for you, I like it!!
mez- George Glass?? I’m curious. Ahh, I do love when Egan gets his research on.
egan- Do you want to brief me on George? I think when I’m president of United Canada STates, I will make you the guy who briefs me on the big events in the blogging world. Deal?
Ames- Your comment reminded me of a situation my friend was in. I’m glad that you haven’t experienced the “single gal pity party”!
michelle- You will be friend, don’t worry.
Bre- Really?! Because I adore you!
geekhiker- yep, that’s what I don’t like either. The assumption that single= unhappy. Which is bizarre because if I think of my most unhappiest times, it was when I was couples. Ahh universe, you are a strange beast.
I LOVED your response of “I’m not”. Because sometimes, we just choose not to be with someone because we don’t want to. And those times we have to our self can be so awesome… no drama, no one waiting for us to get home, no annoying habits of someone’s to put up with… wait why do people get married again?
A great quote from one of today’s great writers/media personalty (Julia Allison): “Why would I want to be married when I’ve got my whole life to wonder if he took out the trash? I’d rather be wondering if he likes me.” :)
I bet it was a good day for the partially deaf student too. I mean, I bet he almost never learns new swear words.
Sorry I’ve been so absent lately! I kicked myself and decided to catch up on blogs. It was nice to read this one because I had this one acquaintance who was obsessed with men (kind of) and thought everyone had to be with one. When we met, the first question she asked me was if I had a boyfriend and I said “no” and she said “you poor thing” and I’m like “why?’. I’d love to be in a relationship but I don’t think we ought to feel sorry for ourselves if we’re not!
People can be so frustrating sometimes. They back you into a corner and then are shocked when they get a candid answer. I feel like (most) people don’t really want to know how others are doing because the reality is just too uncomfortable.
And BTW- the single and not looking thing has a lot to be said for it. You’re absolutely right about it having nothing to do with giving up, having poor self-esteem, or anything like that. Sometimes it’s just…necessary.
a life uncommon- I think that’s the main point, the whole idea that life is so long, why rush being with someone just so you can say you are with someone?!! I’m totally with you on this and really like that quote!
Jenny- You know, I hadn’t thought of it like that! Suddenly I feel much better. Like I did the kid a great service rather than ruin him for life! :)
Anju- “you poor thing?!” Dear Lord. That’s almost as bad as an “I’m sorry”. I think sometimes coupled people forget that not every couple is a couple people aspire to be like- people can be unhappily coupled, just as often as a single person can be happy.
nic- Thanks! I think I really just don’t like the idea that you are single only because __________ (insert flaw here). Sometimes someone is single because they just feel like it for awhile. End of story, you know???
YAY! So proud of you… just the right thing to say.
That is funny! My husband is a teacher and you definitely channeled some of the woman he works with.
p.s. If it weren’t for Joel, I would have waited a loooong time before getting serious and getting married. Why does everyone assume that the biggest decisions of your like have to made in your twenties? Choosing a career, getting married, having kids, buying a house. I think our generation is turning that old standard on its heels. J and I aren’t having kids until were in our thirties. Maybe even later. We’ll see….. Anyway, go you!
YSP- Thank you so much!
Ashlie- That’s so true! The idea that in your 20′s you should have it all figured out, or at least all planned out is just insane. You have so many more years to live, why put all the pressure on someone when they are so young?!
Right on sister. Right on.
Bravo! Great post. I get annoyed by the “oh you’re still single?” comments. Obviously these people are miserable with their own lives, so they have to make themselves feel better. Have a good weekend!
You sucker-punched me with the swear word. I’m very grateful I wasn’t drinking water at that very moment.
george glass is the pathetic faux boyfriend that Jan Brady makes up in a notorious episode of the Brady Bunch – because unlike Marcia who has all the boys after her, Jan has is feeling left out because she has no boy who loves her. Of course everyone is sensing something fishy is going on because suddenly Jan has a bf where once there were only tumbleweeds.
Poor Jan, god I love her.
[...] 5, 2007 free to be you and me Posted by Chica under rant, the other arf I know this post of Brandy’s is almost a week old, but I was about to leave the world’s longest comment [...]
Carrie- I thought you would like that. ;)
Egg- Exactly!! Thanks for stopping by. Hope you have a great week!
Deb- Sorry! But it was such an important moment- I needed to include it!
mez- AHH, that’s for clarifying. And you know what? I’m glad your ‘faux’ boyfriend has a name. I think I need to give mine one.
That’s awesome that you gave her the what-for and let her know that you’re not a freak for being single and happy! She’s the freak for thinking that having a boyfriend is the be all and end all of life!
Ugh, the nerve of the woman! I’m glad you said what you said though :) Kudos to you!