There are few mysteries that trouble the world as deeply as those relating to the male species. I imagine the dawn of time cave women scratched out their man problems on dusty cave walls lit only by torches that reflected their fat tears which tasted of salt and heartbreak.
Was that too much? Yeah, I thought so too.
In all honesty, I don’t really cry that often over men. I suspect that my ‘tears for a man’ reservoir was ran dry due to one man who left me crying for so long my cheeks forgot what they were like to be dry- but that’s besides the point. I’m saying that I don’t weep over the male gender, but I often find that I get frustrated with them. Irrationally so at times. And given the fact that men today have very few resources on how to behave in ways that are less likely to cause things to be thrown at them, I thought I would help.
Because I’m just a few karma points away from an Easy bake oven.
Let me preface this by saying: a) I’m not a girl who likes to lump all men together, so if something doesn’t apply to you, skip to the next one b) I’m not writing this out of anger over a broken heart, outrage over a bad date or loneliness out of being single, I just liked the title that popped into my head and had to write something to fit (seriously, this isn’t planted with malice, it’s seeded in kindness so more open communication between the sexes will bloom. Wow, see what I did there? Wordplay skillz. Put that on the resume!), c) these are not meant to be applied only to people in ‘relationships’, in fact many of these lessons would be put to good use by many of my male friends (who are going to get this linked to them in an email because that’s what annoying Type A good friends do) and lastly d) 97.4% of me is not joking about anything on the list.
5 Things I Wish Every Man Would Know
(And none of these involve bringing a girl flowers just to show you care. In fact, if you DO care, bring me something cool please. Like a box of fireworks. Or a *gun.)
1. The most important thing you can do IS TALK. There is nothing more frustrating than having a one-sided conversation with a male who clearly is just being lazy in a conversation. Not holding up your end of the conversation (and by this I mean refusing to actively contribute meaningful or relevant points of discussion and/or not asking anyone questions when others have pretty much interviewed you on your life story) is both annoying and in many ways hurtful. Get your shit together and think of something to say. Conversations shouldn’t make one party feel like they are the entertainment and the other person the audience.
2. With that said, it is okay to say “I don’t want to talk about it right now”, but girls are not mind readers so a grunt doesn’t tell me anything. I often hear men throw out the line “We aren’t mind readers! I don’t know what she wants!”, well guess what **Buckaroo- the road goes both ways. Last time I checked I hadn’t swallowed the psychic pill so I don’t know what you want unless you say.
3. We don’t have to be IN love with you to love you. People can care about others- can love them, without wanting to be with them. Oh, and while on that note- being IN love with you doesn’t mean that I want to a)marry you today b)take all your money, go shopping and leave you sad/homeless and/or c)chop off your balls and put them in a decorative jar and sit it on my nightstand. So stop being scared, admitting you love someone or are in love with someone has a boldness to it that’s hard to resist.
4. The phrase “Here we go….” followed with an eye roll will never achieve anything other than rage and will result in your head becoming the prime target for my frying pan.
5. I suspect that 2/3rds of all arguments between men and women would not occur if people lived by the rule ” Say what you mean and mean what you say”. So choose your words carefully, think of what you really want, and say what you really mean. The other 1/3rd of all arguments fight because sometimes people just aren’t meant to get along. Those are the people who appear on Jerry Springer.
In closing, I realize that my 5 points could almost always be used on the female gender as well- and in any type of relationship. That’s the beauty of it, I suppose. We all want the same thing. To feel like we are being listened to, that we’re respected, that we shouldn’t be scared to say we love you.
Oh, and I think if people had to argue naked, there would be no fighting in the world. Definitely no Fox News. Or wars. Except for those people on Jerry Springer. I’m pretty sure they would still fight if naked. In fact, I think some might prefer it.
* I’m kidding I don’t want a gun. Unless it’s one of those clear plastic ones filled with tequila.
** I think it’s impossible to call someone “Buckaroo” without it sounding condescending. Agree? Disagree?
What do you wish the other gender knew?
I wish they (being my husband) knew that I can fend for myself, just about always.
I know when bedtime is–please don’t offer hints about when to go; I know it’s dinnertime, but I just not hungry yet. Drop it!
Sometimes it can be endearing, but usually, I can handle doing what I want, when I want!
As a guy who’s constantly the entertainment for the audience in a long-distance relationship, I want to say that I truly enjoyed reading this post. I’m not big on either sex trying to overpower the other, and this makes the point without saying “death to penises/vaginas.” I’m into that.
I say what I mean. It pisses people off sometimes, but I’d rather be honest and settle an issue than lie and have trouble down the road.
And, if you say Buckaroo anytime during an argument, I would laugh at you–but not a good laugh. Like a, where the fuck did that come from/why the hell would she say that when we’re fighting laugh.
My two cents.
I wish my husband knew that even if he’s doing something nice for me, or something I asked him to do, it gets no points if he’s being an ass the whole time, or complaining, or anything like that.
Elizabeth- Yeah, I understand that. I’m not a fan of people who are constantly telling me what time it is when we have to leave to be somewhere in thirty minutes. Once we’ve mutually agreed on what time we have to leave, I don’t need someone to say ‘only 10 more minutes and then we have to go”, ” only 3 more minutes and then we should leave”. I’m an adult, I know how a clock works.
Mike- I’m glad I didn’t make a ‘death to penis’ tag now. Kidding aside, I’m down with people who would rather be honest and piss people off than any alternative behavior.
Jen R- Yeah, that doesn’t make sense to me. Don’t people realize that the complaining cancels out the nice act??!
You are hilarious Brandy… but I totally agree with your 5 points.
Especially #3. Why is it so hard for a guy to admit their feelings?
Thank you for #2. Oh my god, thank you. If you say you would prefer not to talk about it completely renders #1 irrelevant, and that’s ok. Just tell me! Of course, that requires talking, and we all know how hard that is for men sometimes. . .
And I wish that my fiance would realize that if I’m going to cook him breakfast in bed when he’s sick, he needs to do the same thing for me. Not shove a glass of OJ and an Advil Liqui-gel in my face, kiss my cheek and walk out the door.
Well said…i esp like #1…on my ‘list of reasons to get rid of him’ i compiled about my now ex was his annoying habit (after we had been together a couple of years) of reading the newspaper…in the restaurant…and not in the ‘did you hear about this’ conversational kind of way….i think i could (should) have gone to the ladies and not come back and he wouldn’t have noticed til he hit the classifieds…sparked a few ‘animated discussions’….i swear, if smoking hadn’t been banned in restaurants i think i might have lit the damn thing on fire…
Oh man, this is so true! You should actually write a manual for men!!!
heya!!!
thanks for the 5 tips!!! I shall now tell them to my wife! :)
And about the naked argument… hummmm… sound interesting! lol
I got a kick outta this post…. but it does go both ways.
I am a big fan of the “Do what you say, say what you mean, and always always MEAN what you say” However this has landed me in more arguments than I care to mention…
Point #1 has another side to that coin… and that would be “NOT TALKING” I know your just generalizing the points but most conversations are gonna be one sided, because A) the other party doesn’t want to talk B) the other party does have anything to say on the subject or C) they flat out don’t care enough about it to waste time talking about it.
You are right… and little conversation goes a long way! And that mind reader bit is SOOOOO true. (For men and women)
I would say that for point 1 it does also go the other way. In that ‘sometimes a companionable silence is fine’ and ‘just because I don’t want to talk right now does not mean something is wrong.’
No matter how many times I’ve said this to exes they refuse to believe me and it usually ended in an argument (but, like, the irony of pointing out that we’re now talking is often lost here).
Love the rest of it though :)
Love it. Love it. Love it!
I totally, totally agree with #1. Holding up a conversation is no fun. Especially if it’s actually about something (like our overseas trip in a few months).
To be honest, the other half is pretty good most of the time! :)
good points indeed my friend. i think spencer missed the memo on this one, no?
i especially agree with numero 1. id want dudes to know and understand that us girls had a life before them. and just because we maintain a level of independence and self sufficiency, doesn’t mean we don’t want to make room for them in our lives.
i totally agree with #2. i can’t tell you how many arguements i’ve been in with a guy because he couldn’t open his mouth and say what he wanted. i am not a mind reader! communication works both ways guys!
Oh dear God, #4 is dead on.
Dead on with all of them. I hope men out there are taking notes!
Brandy, this is hands-down my favorite-titled post of all time. I feel like I need to incorporate the phrase “If you have testicles, grab a pen” into my everyday life. Will work on that…
My #1: Playing games will result in a permanent ban. There’s nothing that turns my interest of more quickly than a guy playing games and telling half-truths to “keep me interested”. Backfire, Buckaroos.
#2: I do not want to make all of the decisions…last I checked, men know how to make choices too!
Say what you mean and mean what you say. Yes, Yes, and YES.
And arguing naked? I believe I shall have to try that. “Wait! Before you say anything else, take off all your clothes and I shall do likewise!”
Also, I HATE MIXED SIGNALS. Either you like me or you don’t. If you’re not interested, DO NOT CALL ME.
Wow, you hit the nail on the head Brandy. Especially with number 1.
My ex-boyfriend was in PR, thus he said he wanted to relax and “be off” when he was with me. Which meant I was “on” ALL.THE.TIME.
The conversations were always one-sided. It was exhausting, and frustrating to see him carry on wonderful conversations with strangers when I couldn’t get him to say boo to me.
Ah, I love this!
I think my main thing would be that if I go out of my way for someone (i.e. drive them somewhere, cook for them, etc) then something should be done for me. Kindness/appreciation works both ways!
I wish they knew how to read minds…
hahaha
I want my boyfriend to realize that it’s the little things he does that make me swoon and fall in love with him all over again. I don’t care if he buys me tons of things; I do care that he goes out of his way to do something nice for me, however small it is.
Your post has been noted…
My girlfriend’s comment (deutlich) has also been noted.
OMG.. Thank you for #5. My tweak would be (and my constant argument with my husband is) “it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it”. I think part of that is because I’m from the South and I was taught to ‘sugar coat’ things. There are ways to say what you want without having to hurt the other parties feelings. GRRR..
My addition would be: Be more decisive and stop relying on me to make all the decisions.
Lol I definitely agree with the Buckaroo comment, my goodness!
I think that my wish would be that girls and guys would agree that there is no place for text messaging, facebook, or instant messaging as a means of communication during the first 6 months of a relationship.
It complicates things infinitely!
I loved this, although I’m hoping that the mental image currently burned into my brain (Fox News anchors arguing naked) goes away quickly.
I think when you say “Buckaroo” it sounds like you are talking to someone who is 5 years old.
I wish men knew that when I say I want to talk to them, it isn’t because I’m controlling and want to take over their life- I just want to know how they are doing. Sheesh.
Playing games gets you no where. Hey, if you just want to have sex, put it out there and if that girl isn’t cool with it, another one will be cool with the idea. Just put the truth out there instead of playing games.
Amen.
An addition to #1: Just answering questions in a conversation doesn’t count as conversation. If you really like me, ask me questions too. Don’t just expect me to fill in the gaps. You have to show you’re interested. (I have had relationships with 2 guys like this. WhaTheF? Where do they come from?)
For women:
1 & 2) Are exactly the reason why men don’t understand you women. The first one blasts us for not talking and the second one tells us it’s okay not to talk. Ahhh women. So clear about things.
3) If you’re stressed about someone saying that they love you it means that they don’t.
4) I promise not to roll my eyes and say “here we go” if you promise not to bring up shit that you’ve already brought up a million times.
5) I agree – but that applies to women way more than men. Women blab on and on without actually saying anything.
In closing, I hope that women are taking notes. Also, I am not being mean here, just posting a reply from the male side of things – this is actually a great post.
And fighting naked would be pretty damn fun. Or gross, depending on who it is.
I love the frying pan target idea!
HA HA! Love this post. I agree with some previous commenters – don’t continually bring up old shit. It’s OLD SHIT for a reason. Let it go.
If we could all just get that “stop being scared” part down we’d make things so much easier for ourselves.
This is an awesome post. If we all stopped being scared when it came to love, we’d love a whole lot more I figure. One of the things I think women do too much (that I’ve seen) is over talk everything. There is being direct and open and then there is badgering the witness (so to speak). And if chicks don’t stop hoping men will read their mind, I’m gonna go ballistic.
Both parties have to contribute and be willing to be vulnerable for it to work.
luckily my bf is pretty good about most things on that list, but he could always use a refresher :)
“4. The phrase “Here we go….” followed with an eye roll will never achieve anything other than rage and will result in your head becoming the prime target for my frying pan.”
HAHAHA Oh i needed this laugh tonight, you have NO idea how badly.
All excellent points. You should make that into a pamphlet and make colleges have them next to the drug addiction and safe sex pamphlets. :)
(not sure if someone said it already but) if you have an opinion on something PLEASE say it! i know this can go both ways but when someone says “what do you want for dinner?” and you say “i don’t care” you better not care because when i say “okay, let’s do mexican!” i don’t want to hear “nah, not mexican.” You Just Said You Didn’t Care! WTF?!?
i know girls and guys do this so i think everyone can benefit from this change.
It’s hilarious how so many men will misconstrue the phrase, “I’m having a lot of fun with you and like spending time with you,” to thinking it means, “I’ve booked the reception for our wedding and know the names of our future children.” I think guys are more preoccupied with “commitment” and thinking that’s what girls want right away than women are.
First off, the thought of a tequila filled gun makes me GAG.
Ew.
Anyway- I think you should write into the next president and suggest the naked fighting thing. Josh Lyman would have been all for it. Or is it just that I’d be all for fighting naked with Josh?
Hmmm :)
This list is one of the reasons I love you. And I’m not afraid to use the word love at all. I think it all really boils down to communication and honesty. If we all just did that, it would be so much easier on everyone.
can we publish this list in like a men magazine or something?!?!
I think relationships would work best if we all (1) realized that everyone is going to let us down and we’re going to let them down and (2) when we do we own up, apologize, and make amends and and (3) when someone hurts us, we tell them in a loving way rather than letting it stew/acting passive aggressively, etc.
I really struggle with (3).
Bottom line is that relationships are hard, but they could definitely be easier if people put more effort into honest communication (and did not roll their eyes, act pissed that you bring up something that has been discussed but NOT resolved, etc.)
Don’t know if you’ve read my last couple of post lately, but #1 sure as hell could apply to a certain woman I know…
Sorry, my pen ran out of ink… I like the post but agree with *Apollocreed*.
I love this post. What do I wish men knew? That we girls need to be LISTENED TO, not necessarily given advice to. So when we feel blue or are angry or frustrated, sometimes we need to just vent, and nobody needs to rescue us or tell us that we need to “just get over it” Grrr.
I might have to play the roll of Clubber Lang because I don’t agree with much of what Apollo Creed had to say. Anyways, great post. I’m glad you made the clarifying statements you did because we could all stand to open our hearts a bit more.
Yay for point 3! You CAN love someone without being *in love* with them.
And yes, sounds like all of this applies to us girls too. :)
#4 made me seriously want to jump through my monitor and plant a big wet one on you. And then another one. And another.
Love this. Love you!
Ladies are often more sensitive than you men folk… so when she says the teasing has gone too far, it ain’t funny anymore!!
Nice post. Glad Google recommended it. Things I wish women knew:
1. The Denver Broncos. The world stops three hours a week between the months of August and December. Should they make the playoffs, the world spins backwards. I am not responsible for what I do.
Great post. I love that it works for both men and women.
I wish men (or everyone) knew that repeating the same joke almost everyday for over two years may make your wife of eight months insane, no matter how wonderful you are otherwise. And no, I am not hot because you are in the room. For the love of crap, stop saying it.
Jesswrites- Ohhh I wish I knew. Actually, I think I know why. It’s the same reason girls are. We are scared.
poodlegoose- Your second paragraph made me laugh out loud. You poor girl!
thistle- Ack! My brother does this when I meet him for lunch and it drives me insane. Put the paper away, talk to me
Paula- Lol… oh don’t give me any ideas…
UrbanVox- It definitely will make things more entertaining.
Woolly- Yep, I definitely think it goes both ways!
Red Squirrel- Yeah, I’m down with quiet time but there’s times (the times that spurred this post) where there’s a time to talk and nothing is being said…
lil_s- I agree! They are pretty great aren’t they??
brookem- I definitely think Spencer missed this. Jesus… he’s just turned into a class one creep hasn’t he??
dmb5_libra- Exactly!
julybug- I’m glad someone knows what I’m talking about.
Sara Jane- And some of the ladies!!
DomestiGal Jen- Yes!! I’ve said it a few times since writing it and it always makes me giggle. And you know, get dirty looks from everyone around me.
Rebecca- I’m with you on the choices part. I hate having to make them all the time.
longredcape- Your last two sentences need to be put on a poster so I can just point to it next time I’m in a situation that requires that sort of clarification.
Shaba- Yeah… that’s what gets me. The fact that people are more than willing to put in the extra effort for strangers in order to appear nice, or polite, but then don’t try with the people closest to them.
Sandy- I feel the same awy
deutlich- Wouldn’t that be nice??
Hazel- Aww… that’s such a nice comment.
Aaron- Your comment made me laugh. Let the mind reading begin!
Stephanie- It would appear that lots of us are tired of being the decision makers..
Kyla Bea- I’m glad someone is with me on Buckaroo! ;)
Ashley- Yep, I’m in the same boat as you.
DOK- Do you mind that abbreviation? I think it looks cool. Tell me if you hate it. And I like the idea of just ‘putting the truth out’. That would be… the best thing ever.
Beth- Thanks ;)
Grace- EXACTLY!!!
apollocreed- No, the first one says if you are open for conversation, be open for it and be a participant in it. If you aren’t open for conversation, then you have to say so, because I can’t read your mind. As for #3… I think I disagree. I know there are times I’ve loved someone and have been to scared to say it and then when I did say it, they told me they were scared I wasn’t going to.
LCT- Let me know how it turns out.
Smilf- Agreed!!
justrun- Exactly. I think I need to write that out and post it somewhere…
sizzle- I think YOU should be the one writing relationship manuals lady!! I would buy one.
katelin- Lucky him!! ;)
Ashley- Ohhh I should just hold a relationship orientation before school starts…
notsojenny- Amen!!
EM- Exactly. I hate that. I’m not even sure I want to get married somedays, but some guys act like that’s all girls want to do.
Nicole- Tequila makes you gag? Hooray more for me! ;) Ohhh Josh Lyman fighting naked. I’m swooning right now….
Tori- I love that you aren’t afraid of the L word lady!
Alexa- Maxim perhaps?
Ally- I struggle with three too…
geekhiker- Ha! I definitely agree.
Gany- Ahh the men are banding together… seriously though, I understand where you are coming from.
Not so little woman- Yep, I get what you are saying. Listen vs. Advcie… oh the battles I’ve raged on behalf of this…
egan- You and I are currently on msn talking about people with dancing fingers. I’m not responding to your comment, because you know what I think of it, so instead I will tell that I think you are awesome.
girljordyn- Yep, I think it definitely can apply to us.
freckledk- Aww thanks lady!! I’m glad you feel the same way!!
PP- Ahh yes. I wish more guys knew that.
Casey- lol. This one made me laugh out loud.
Sheenah- Yep… although… is it wrong to say that I love that joke you mentioned?
I loved everything about this post–especially the title! ANd I love the fact that you will/can invent a post (and make it such a classic) based on a catchy title.
i wish my boyfriend knew that when i say ‘nothing’s wrong’ – i dont mean it.
i mean i want him to try harder to find out what exactly is wrong. because usually it’s something i know i shouldn’t be cross about, and would be embarrassed to admit it outright.
but if he fished longer, he’d find out and make me feel better.
instead of believing me when i say ‘nothing’s wrong’ and then leaving me seething even more.
But she says we need to be more open and say what we mean and mean what we say. Your boyfriend aint a mind reader. Hmm apparently testicles get a lot of attention. I agree with her to an extent but I agree with ApolloCreed even more. Although her post was good.
Ah, grasshopper…trying to understand the male species…how much time you got? I hope you believe in reincarnation to get enough years under your belt to begin to learn the ways of the XY.
just remember, “don’t cry over someone who wouldn’t cry over you” (props to lauren)…and don’t let anyone make you feel all ulcery….thanks Justin Bobby!
what was the question?
Diane Mandy- Aww thanks lady.
expensivemistakescheapthrills- I think we need a new code name for that type of situation. Maybe like ‘let’s go dancing’ can be code for ‘keep trying!’
lovechild- thanks
Evans- You know, if anyone could tie this post back to the hills, it’s you. So thank you for doing that and providing me a laugh today. Ulcery… did he really say that??
i heart evans. look how we both mentioned the hills, and also? he called you a grasshopper. now, i dont know if that’s a good thing or bad, considering who you and i refer to as the grasshopper in my life, but i still appreciate his useage.
wow, these are all amazing points. I agree with you, men are such strange creatures.
Amen Sister!
Good evening…You are a nutjob…..a highly typical uptight girl who always chooses the ‘wrong guy’