There are few mysteries that trouble the world as deeply as those relating to the male species. I imagine the dawn of time cave women scratched out their man problems on dusty cave walls lit only by torches that reflected their fat tears which tasted of salt and heartbreak.
Was that too much? Yeah, I thought so too.
In all honesty, I don’t really cry that often over men. I suspect that my ‘tears for a man’ reservoir was ran dry due to one man who left me crying for so long my cheeks forgot what they were like to be dry- but that’s besides the point. I’m saying that I don’t weep over the male gender, but I often find that I get frustrated with them. Irrationally so at times. And given the fact that men today have very few resources on how to behave in ways that are less likely to cause things to be thrown at them, I thought I would help.
Because I’m just a few karma points away from an Easy bake oven.
Let me preface this by saying: a) I’m not a girl who likes to lump all men together, so if something doesn’t apply to you, skip to the next one b) I’m not writing this out of anger over a broken heart, outrage over a bad date or loneliness out of being single, I just liked the title that popped into my head and had to write something to fit (seriously, this isn’t planted with malice, it’s seeded in kindness so more open communication between the sexes will bloom. Wow, see what I did there? Wordplay skillz. Put that on the resume!), c) these are not meant to be applied only to people in ‘relationships’, in fact many of these lessons would be put to good use by many of my male friends (who are going to get this linked to them in an email because that’s what annoying Type A good friends do) and lastly d) 97.4% of me is not joking about anything on the list.
5 Things I Wish Every Man Would Know
(And none of these involve bringing a girl flowers just to show you care. In fact, if you DO care, bring me something cool please. Like a box of fireworks. Or a *gun.)
1. The most important thing you can do IS TALK. There is nothing more frustrating than having a one-sided conversation with a male who clearly is just being lazy in a conversation. Not holding up your end of the conversation (and by this I mean refusing to actively contribute meaningful or relevant points of discussion and/or not asking anyone questions when others have pretty much interviewed you on your life story) is both annoying and in many ways hurtful. Get your shit together and think of something to say. Conversations shouldn’t make one party feel like they are the entertainment and the other person the audience.
2. With that said, it is okay to say “I don’t want to talk about it right now”, but girls are not mind readers so a grunt doesn’t tell me anything. I often hear men throw out the line “We aren’t mind readers! I don’t know what she wants!”, well guess what **Buckaroo- the road goes both ways. Last time I checked I hadn’t swallowed the psychic pill so I don’t know what you want unless you say.
3. We don’t have to be IN love with you to love you. People can care about others- can love them, without wanting to be with them. Oh, and while on that note- being IN love with you doesn’t mean that I want to a)marry you today b)take all your money, go shopping and leave you sad/homeless and/or c)chop off your balls and put them in a decorative jar and sit it on my nightstand. So stop being scared, admitting you love someone or are in love with someone has a boldness to it that’s hard to resist.
4. The phrase “Here we go….” followed with an eye roll will never achieve anything other than rage and will result in your head becoming the prime target for my frying pan.
5. I suspect that 2/3rds of all arguments between men and women would not occur if people lived by the rule ” Say what you mean and mean what you say”. So choose your words carefully, think of what you really want, and say what you really mean. The other 1/3rd of all arguments fight because sometimes people just aren’t meant to get along. Those are the people who appear on Jerry Springer.
In closing, I realize that my 5 points could almost always be used on the female gender as well- and in any type of relationship. That’s the beauty of it, I suppose. We all want the same thing. To feel like we are being listened to, that we’re respected, that we shouldn’t be scared to say we love you.
Oh, and I think if people had to argue naked, there would be no fighting in the world. Definitely no Fox News. Or wars. Except for those people on Jerry Springer. I’m pretty sure they would still fight if naked. In fact, I think some might prefer it.
* I’m kidding I don’t want a gun. Unless it’s one of those clear plastic ones filled with tequila.
** I think it’s impossible to call someone “Buckaroo” without it sounding condescending. Agree? Disagree?
What do you wish the other gender knew?