First of all, if you haven’t read the book and plan on reading the book, just ignore this post. Or, if you’ve read the book and feel so strongly about the book that you’ve already emailed me to lodge a complaint against the comments I’ve yet to make (but are definitely coming) mocking this book? Help keep us both sane and skip this post.
It’s quite possible to like something and still feel the strong, undesirable urge to make fun of it. That pretty much is the basis for my relationship with my brother- or why I’m still watching the The Hills. I thought about discussing the whole first book at once, but then realized even I couldn’t handle that much Twilight talk in one sitting. And I didn’t want the hardcore Twilight fans coming after me with pitchforks (or, nasty emails. Ahem). Anyway, here are some of the thoughts while reading the first half of the first book- a book I promise I did actually enjoy….
- Okay first things first. This kid gets a new vehicle. Well, not technically new but new to her and all she can’t even let out a tiny squeal? Or even a sentence that ends in an exclamation point? What kind of teenager is this? Bella is the oldest young person I know. Further evidence to this theory is her talk of making mental notes to buy recipe books, her clothing choices and the fact that she says ‘holy crow’.
- Edward is: beautiful (p 20), gorgeous (p 22) absurdly handsome- with piercing hate filled eyes (p 27), attractive (pg 37), dazzling (p 43), glorious (p 65), interesting (p 79), brilliant (p 79), mysterious (p 79), perfect (p 79), and beautiful (p 79). Okay I had to stop writing those because it was sort of ripping a HOLE INTO MY SOUL. The amount of worshiping Bella does outnumbers entire Church congregations.
- Edward looked like he’d “just finished shooting a commercial for hair gel” (pg 43). Someone please use that compliment today. I guarantee a kidney punch will be returned to you for your kindness.
- Edward is described as having a “musical” voice. For some reason, I find this delightful. Like Edward is part vampire, part sprightly pixie.
- Bella’s response to snow: “Ew”. My response to Bella: “Shut the pie hole.”
- Bella reads ‘Wuthering Heights’ (again) just for the fun of it. I consider what it would be like to hit her with her badminton racket, just for the fun of it.
- Okay Bella. We know you suck at gym. The constant talk of how you suck is unnecessary.
- I had this whole point of how Bella Swan= Meredith Grey, but it was getting rather….. heated. And today seems like a good day to cut out the expletives when discussing fictional characters. But for the record? They remind me of each other. Both are sort of … mopey and quick to make their lives about a single person. And both talk about love in ways that makes me want to beat myself unconscious.
- Bella, Edward always warning you he’s ‘not a good friend for you’ is FORESHADOWING. Pay attention please.
- I’m sorry, over a dozen seventeen year olds go cruising to the beach on a Saturday and not a single one does a keg stand? I do not believe it.
- Eric, Mike, Tyler, Jacob AND Edward are all interested in Bella? I’m sorry, Bella has her moments of coolness (like her truck- I kid you not, I used to have something very similar to what she drives) but I really fail to see how she’s worthy of ALL the attention she gets from these Forks fellows. Unless she can tie a cherry stem in her mouth, then everything would make sense.
- When helping Jess find a dress for the dance, Bella says, “I encouraged her to go with the blue; why not play up the eyes?”. That sentence reminded me how much I love Clinton and Stacey.
- I don’t understand this: Bella doesn’t go into the bookstore because she sees a “woman smiling welcoming from behind the counter”, and Bella “doesn’t need that”. Hmm. It would appear that if the woman was a manic depressive vampire who routinely pushed her away and/or had the power to quickly end her life, Bella would have been ALL over it. What’s wrong with friendly people Bella?
- Okay, so I understand why Edward follows her to Port Angeles, (to keep her safe from the street thugs who call her “sugar”), but sneaking in to her room almost EVERY NIGHT when she’s sleeping? Is that really necessary? Am I the only one who really felt like Edward crossed some sort of creeper line there? Bella, sunshine- that’s a red flag.
- The continual talk of how Edwards breath smells so good sort of weirds me out.
Okay. I need to stop. I leave you with one of my favourite quotes (see if you can guess who this is referring to):
“Again, the fabric clung to his perfectly muscled chest. It was a colossal tribute to this face that it kept my eyes away from his body” (p 197)
Stephenie Myers, I admire your work but you owe me a drink for the restraint I’m showing right now.
Anyone else have thoughts on the book?