Five Things I refuse to apologize for
1. My wit. And my modesty. And any lame attempt at a joke that has failed like me in a high school calculus class.
2. Wearing Uggs. I get it. People think they are unattractive. But seriously, who can show me a winter boot that IS fashionable? And one that I can put on in roughly 0.24 seconds? (Which? Is pretty high on the list of requirements for my winter footwear when I have to run outside and laugh hysterically at deal with children who have decided to lick metal playground equipment). I save my scorn for more worthy topics, like fascism and white crocheted belly shirts. (Grade six was an interesting year for me fashion wise). Trust.
3. My love for Mandy Moore.
4. My new competitive nature. Last night, I watched the football game while standing on my couch. Yelling. Loudly. I’m thisclose to painting my face with team colors and moving to the States for the chance to vote in the next election the football parties. I’m telling you people, when I find a new hobby? I fall fast.
5. Hugging strangers. Or, you know, just hugging the tall, bespectacled guy who works at the craft store who gave me a tip on how to uglify my Christmas sweater for the Christmas party I’m going to this Saturday. (Sidenote: A man who knows more about about glitter glue than me is both alluring and alarming all at once. But… MORE alarming than anything. It was the crazy eyes he got when he started talking about ‘pastel glitter glue’ that fixed his fate. I like my men to know about you know, glue… but knowing more than me about crafting supplies? We start to wander into an unusual territory I like to call “brandy is uncomfortable-land”. There are always casualties when that happens).
Speaking of, (I know, I’ve been all Barbra Walters on you lately with the questions) anyone have any tips on how to really uglify a sweater? I currently have two options- one black, gold and cream Dynasty-esque sweater that can be remade over, or the ugliest Christmas table cloth ever. Sadly, I was late to the thrift shops and all the actual Christmas themed train-wrecks sweaters were gone, so any tips would be awesome. Maintaining any sense of dignity isn’t a factor- winning is more important.
Oh! And that last line applies to my entire life, not just ugly sweater contests.
Just one more thing I refuse to apologize for.
(this is where I would Z-snap if my life was a movie)
Pipe cleaners and fuzzy pompoms in Christmas colours of course. Even better if you get those shiny/tinsly fluffballs. Because I don’t know what says “ugly sweater” more than a sweater with THINGS poping our and/or hanging off it. Think pipe-cleaner xmas-tree sewn on with pompom decorations.
I’m sure my Grandma would agree that such objects are worthy of Christmas-sweaters.
I think Uggs are pretty much one of the ugliest things ever, other than Crocs, but.. I have to admit, I’m starting to, not only get curious about them, but full-on covent them. Whimper.
Bells. Stupid, awful, tiny, joyous, plentiful jingle bells. As many as you can fit on them. If you can somehow form a reindeer with them, all the better. Or worse, as the case might be.
Yay, glad you are enjoying football. It’s playoff time now and that’s when crazy really starts.
There is yelling, cursing, and begging… And all that happens just trying to get the football party munchies in the house before kickoff.
Have you picked a team yet, or are you just going game by game?
Well you need a sweater vest….and large gift wrapped box earrings AND a fake/plastic large poinsetta bloom hot glued on your shoulder…yes, that would be perfect! Show us photos!
How about a reindeer (arguably the dopiest of all Christmas mascots) made from a mosaic of sequins. Just bedazzle the crap out of that sweater. And of course, the surefire way to uglify ANY outfit…80s style shoulderpads.
I can do Uggs if the jeans/ pants are not tucked into them OR if the Uggs are not paired with a short skirt.
Geez louise you always make me laugh so hard! Are Uggs really apprpriate work foot attire in thsi day and age? That is questionable; frozen tongue or not. But at the same time, I would probably be right there beside yu, Uggs and giggles and all.
And on the competitive front, I kicked some coworkers butt in poker last week and now all I can think about is the next time I will be able to play, perhpas my competitive side is also finally arising.
No idea how to uglify a sweater. I hope there will be pics of your end result though. Yay for football! I am glad that you found a new hobby. Whats wrong with Uggs and Mandy Moore?
I dug my Uggs out of my closet back in October or so, and I’ve worn no other shoe aside from the Uggs since. I even wore then to a fancy pants dinner dance for my job. They are just too comfy and warm to even attempt to wear anything else.
Can you say Bedazzler?!
I’ll show you those shoes: here! They’re more expensive than Uggs, but my lord. I love them dearly. They’re my new prized possessions.
I’m glad you don’t apologize for those things either. If you apologized for your wit and/or modesty the world would be a much sadder place.
I love Mandy Moore. I do!
Have you seen Dedication?
OMG, I totally agree with Mojo — BELLS!! If you can’t breathe without jingling, you’re on the right track. The fake poinsettia isn’t a bad idea either.
I would also suggest some giant felt Christmas balls edged with glitter-glue. The key is to make it look like you were trying to make a nice sweater, but took one too many Quaaludes and got a little crazy with the glue gun.
(Also, I have a confession: the only reason I don’t wear Uggs is because I can’t afford them. I have red EMU boots which are nice and toasty, but have horrible arch support.)
I wear Target brand Uggs. And I’m okay with that.
Also, Mandy Moore is my BFF: http://naysmusings.blogspot.com/2007/11/mandy-moore-is-my-bff.html
you should definitely add sequins and BELLS. noisy sweaters are so so so annoying.
I want to make an ugly christmas sweater that has a huge picture of a christmas sweater wearing grandma on it. I’d buy a doll size sweater bedazzle and bejewel and beugly the hell out of it and attach it to my sweater. Also attach a felty head for the grandma and include bad christmas jewelry and the ugliest broach I could find. Any buttons that playing christmas jingles would also be attached.
:-)
i have an idea. find the UGLIEST christmas material (hopefully it has some sort of texture to it) and decorate the collar with it. and maybe the cuffs can be decorated with lace. buttons are good. and maybe some cross stitching. OMG someone said bells! you MUST have bells. but not glitter. glitter is too… cool..too…bling (i’m just sayin)
you could just hit Acorn or Christopher & Banks….
These are all brilliant suggestion, but perhaps you could just save some time and see if…er..Mallard…has an appropriate one to borrow…
sorry, it’s the first thing i thought of…apparently my Mean Girl needed to come out and play…don’t think i did my Karma points any favours there did i… :(
Two words:
Puffy. Paint.
Personally, I’d cut the two things apart and sew them back together poorly. I guess that depends on your seamstress skills because you need to make it look bad, but also be good enough to make sure it doesn’t fall apart. Aside from that, just go into a craft shop and buy any cheap shiny/sparkly/fluorescent thing you see (beads, patches, bows, lace, etc)!
I know I told you before I was a bit of a gambler… well this week I took a beating. Lost all my bets, and you were talking about yelling at the TV… you sould have seen me!
The best way to make an ugly sweater uglier is to have an ugly hat and purse made of the same stuff. You gotta think outside the box, if you are going to go you have to go all the way!
As for football, if the Eagles don’t make the playoffs I might fall into a deep depression.
I’m with man yhere and vote for BELLS! But not just any bells, bells as trim on the cuffs of the sleeves. Then if you are a hand-talker (like I am) you will be jingling incessantly. My only other thought is to cut little holes in the sweater in the shape of a Christmas tree, and then pop battery-powered Christmas lights through the holes. It may be a bit extreme yes, but could just bring home the victory!
(I may be a tad competitive as well….)
Also? Mandy Moore? “Because I Said So” is my favourite movie!
While I might NOT forgive you for your Uggs, I still like you. So, go check out my blog today for a little bloggy love. =)
Haha 3 snaps in a Z formation. I love it.
And seriously, puffy paint is the way to go!
I am with you on Uggs, girl!! Having grown up in Chicago and only recently discovered them for the kids, I bought some because they are the only warm boot I have ever had in my life! And, yep, they go on in .3 seconds when dog-walking calls!
And they’re really only stupid with mini skirts in California!
(That’s a lot of exclamation points!!)
Now, onto the sweater. Tree garland hot-glued to the neck and possibly down the front if it’s a button-front. You could thread red yarn into the back that reads: “Ho, Ho, Ho.” Like down the back.
Glitter glue the buttons and hang Christmas balls from the bottom (or at least Christmas ball earrings). Gold lame snowflakes covered in lace!! tacked on.
I think you might have a winner.
I won’t apologize for my uggs, either. I personally think their cute and they are so warm and cuddly in the winter time.
I always thought Uggs were suppose to be ugly BUT the style.
No need for them here in FL. Right?
:)
Ok…this whole “ugly sweater” theme has really taken off and I’m not sure I understand it. We had an ugly sweater competition here at work last week and some people were wearing sweaters that were NOT ugly. Sure, they might not have been their style, but they weren’t ugly.
As for the Uggs…if they are used as winter boots, as you have described you use them, then that’s cool. Chicks who wear them with miniskirts…both inside and outside? Not cool.
If loving Mandy Moore is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.
I love Mandy Moore too.
It is possible that we love her in different ways though. Unless of course you think about her naked.
Ooooh! An ugly Christmas sweater party? I am intrigued and jealous, all at the same time!
Oh girl. I’ll be sending you a pic from the local ugly Christmas sweater party. Let our ugly be your inspiration!
Now…if you love the NFL, two things:
1. kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com = funny/newsy/edutaining
2. get into college ball. there’s so much more heart!
I’m so happy we have a new girl in Football World! Welcome! Yay!
And I vote for the tablecloth!
I’d totally go for awful christmas pins, earrings (anything that jingles works) and a horrible like tinsel headband or something. I love ugly sweater parties. They are HYSTERICAL.
PS I shared some bloggy love with you on my blog today :)
“Maintaining any sense of dignity isn’t a factor- winning is more important.”
ZOMGWTFBBQ That’s why I love you!
I loooove ugly Christmas sweater parties! Hmm, do you have grandparents that live near you? I always just take sweaters out of my grandma’s closet. She loooves that I’m wearing her clothes. Little does she know…. Ha! She also usually has some troll Christmas earrings or something similar. An older grandma-esque friend would work well too!
I’m so glad you’re fired up about football. I’m there with ya! The other week we were watching the end of the game (@ like 11 on a Monday – past my bedtime) and I was fist pumping and screaming! It’s addicting – it’s fun.
i heart mandy moore.
and ugly sweater parties. i am planning to have one next year. i cant wait to see pics.
Well, you had asked about the Christmas tablecloth as an option. I think it is a very simple choice: Cut a hole in the middle of the tablecloth, and voila!, Ugly Christmas Poncho!
A friend of mine last year uglified her Christmas sweater by sewing on it a mini-Christmas tree. With working lights and all. I’m not sure how she did it, but I could try to get details if you’re interested!
I would love for you to combined your unrepentant issues and youtube for me ,you: the Uggs wearing, face painted, Bridget Jone’s X-mas sweater wearing, dancing to Mandy Moore while hugging strangers on the street video. Instant classic!
My grandmother used to buy Christmas themed pot-holders and sew them on to sweatshirts and sweaters for us grandkids to wear. I can guarantee you they were not attractive.
if i didn’t know that you were A) hilarious or B) a girl i’d totally kick it with IRL, this post just cemented it.
for sure. xoxo.
I love my Uggs and refuse to apologize for them as well. They are ridiculously warm and absolutely necessary for my walk to work. I have a drawer of hot shoes in my office, however, the Uggs are necessary to get from point A to B, especially in the dead of an Edmonton winter.
You know what your sweater needs? Tacky Christmas pins that light up. Usually you can find them at the dollar store, but my Roomie also found some at Walmart. Bonus points if they produce music.
I’m having an ugly sweater party in a week and a half. So excited! I got my sweater from Value Village at Halloween.
Dude, I bought faux Uggs at Target earlier this year and absolutely refuse to apologize for them.
They are the most comfortable shoes I’ve ever owned, hands down.
I lke the justification for Uggs. :)
uhm, i will never, ever appologize for my uggs. comfy, warm, slide on and off in 0.24 seconds flat? yes. that is a good boot, no matter what anyone says.
crocs on the other hand..
Please girl, a man who knows more about glitter glue than you is neither alluring or alarming–he’s GAY! Not that I would know anything about that…
I still find it hilarious that people in LA wear uggs. You know, when we dip down into the high 50′s they feel the need to break out the winter-wear. This includes scarves and gloves. ‘Freakin funny.
My knowledge of glue is more in the direction of “what epoxy can I use to glue this back on the truck”. But if you want to hug a bespectacled guy, I’m hardly one to argue…
I so heart you for your Uggs comment. My roomate always makes me feel like I am a fashion victim b/c I wear them in winter. Well, I have news for her. Good luck throwing on shoes to walk your new puppeh!!! (Sorry, I had to get that off my chest).
Also, I am the same with football. What team are you rooting for? Please don’t tell me it’s the Patriots!
Mandy Moore is my idea of the perfect woman. I watch her films and listen to her music and swoon at her beauty and perfection. This is getting creepy. Let’s just say, I feel you.
fuzzy garland with mini stuffed animals looped through
or
a santa and his sled and reindeer looped through
I must admit I’m one of those anti-Ugg people, but that’s only because I’ve seen so many stupid girls basically where them with a mini skirt and tank top in the middle of winter. If they are used properly, then I can accept them.
seriously i heart you. and i love mandy moore too, no wrong in that at all. as for the ugly sweater uglifying, i suggest glitter, tacky patches and bright colors. always seems to work. good luck winning :)
I found a shoe that has the practicality of Uggs and Galoshes! I don’t own either, but I do think both are practical – Uggs are only bad when worn with mini skirts by college girls.
Macaroni. Do it.
Go with the 3-D thing. Hot glue gun and various sizes, shapes, colors, textures of pompons would do wonders. Don’t forget to add a few sequins for sparkle. Oh, and the last thing? Try to make it musical. Bells, for example. Or the musical innards of a singing Christmas card attached to a pull-string that you go around daring people to yank on. Pure class right there.
An ugly sweater competition! I love it. I may have to steal that idea. Problem is that it’s not always sweater weather here at Christmas. But I can hope. And maybe turn down the a/c too.
I hated them at first, but the more time I spend outside for my job, the more I want a pair of Uggs because I know they’ll keep my toes warm. (And nothing makes me sadder than cold toes.) I could use a pair tomorrow. *shrugs*
Also, I’m loving the ugly sweater competition. Puff paint is definitely a must. Think Christmas Vacation…
My daughters have fake uggs and they love them. Actually, my older daughter’s fit me, so I have been known to wear them every once in a while when she is not.
As for ugly sweaters…you should just ask either my mom or my mother in law to buy you the best Christmas sweater ever. Or just unwrap whatever either of them has for me under their tree for this year. I kid you not, I once got a pair of courdoroy shorts with a teddy bear Christmas sweater for Christmas. It also had tights because shorts are too cold for winter. Needless to say, I never wore any part of that outfit. Well, the tights I did wear, but not the other parts.
#4? hahaha! that’s so me. i want more jersey’s and gear for my favorite teams (Redskins, Virginia Tech, and sometimes UVA). i’ve already got plenty of items, but i need MORE!!!!
I certainly hope you’ll be posting pictures of this said ugly sweater contest!
I admire your confidence with all these things you refuse to apologize for, but MANDY MOORE? REALLY?
I would die without my Uggs, because my feet would get cold and wet and I would contract crazy winter viruses.
People who hate on Uggs have never worn Uggs before. And thats, that.
Uggs are fine… IN THE WINTER. It’s the people who wear Uggs around when it’s 75 out that drive me nuts.
“Maintaining dignity isn’t a factor–winning is more important!”
I love that~I might start living it! :)
I refuse to apologize for my total lack of fashion sense. And for my dislike of cats.
Hilarious blog. Very happy to have found it. And run with the wit. It’s rare enough to have it, it should never be apologized for, good jokes notwithstanding.
Mandy Moore is awesome. I refuse to befriend anyone who says otherwise.
Oh sweetie, last fall, I saw Mandy Moore perform note once but twice. After seeing her in Philadelphia, I dragged my ass to NYC for a second show. And yes, I’m in my thirties. Naysayers can suck it.