So like every other human alive, I dig free stuff. I also dig books. So when I got an email a few months ago from this woman offering me a free book if I reviewed it, I said yes. Absolutely. And if you lived closer lady? I would want to buy you dinner for your troubles.
See how thoughtful I am?
Anyway, the day my book arrived- “You lost him at hello“, I did a little happy dance. This is exactly the kind of book I’d never have bought, but would be secretly curious about. (Sidenote: Any authors out there? If you have the third and fourth books in a series about teenagers and vampires? Feel free to send them my way because I’ve yet to pick them up). I hate to say this, but three pages in and my happy dance had morphed into a painful headache, complete with random eye twitching and excessive sighing.
Let me explain.
“A saleswoman’s secrets to closing the deal with any guy you want” is the tagline on the cover of “You Lost Him at Hello”, by Jess McCann. In theory, Jess- a successful businesswoman, says all the right things- a girl needs to be confident, needs to have interests, needs to take care of her appearance, but each of these points is underlined with the notion- if you DO follow these guidelines, you will get a man. Which is the part that I guess I struggle to accept.
For example, Jess writes that women should view themselves as “a cable TV package”. And guys like variety, so if you are only into celebrity gossip, not many guys are going to pick up on that. If you have a broader range of interests however, it’s more likely that you are going to find a guy who has more of the same ‘stations’ as you. So you will have more in common, and thus be more likely to fall in love.
Sounds pretty harmless right? I guess. But I couldn’t help but think while reading “why not just say, ‘you should learn about different things because it will just make you a more interesting person?”. The way that it’s written, the focus routinely comes back to the idea that if you act a certain way, say certain words, then guys will be helpless for your charms. And maybe that’s a good thing, and maybe that’s what people like, but it just seems sort of manipulative to me. There’s a definite ‘us against them’ type of mentality I noticed in the book. As though my gender needs to ‘keep the ball in our court’ as long as possible, and by doing so, we will weaken men and have them surrender to our charms and saucy “icebreakers”. At times I felt like this was “The Rules” with a business angle.
There’s pages devoted on how a girl should leave early on dates to keep a guy wanting more, which Jess calls “ending on the height of impulse” . And I suppose this makes sense- leave a guy wanting more, but I’ve never been a girl who could leave when the date was most fun. Perhaps this is why I’m single? And if it is, I have to say I’m sort of okay with that. I’d rather stay late, have fun, and be single, then leave early and get the guy.
I will say this- the book is an easy read. Jess has a likeable personality and a writing style that makes you feel less like you are reading a book on how to date and more like you are chatting with one of your uber successful, dating-focused girlfriends.
And although I can’t say that I would follow many of the suggestions listed by Jess, they did cause me to think of how I act towards men and I suppose any type of reflection that comes with how I deal with the male species is a good thing. (And causes me to drink heavily. Just kidding. Sort of. Speaking of, any good holiday drink recipes anyone wants to share?!).
Overall, I could see how this book would benefit some people, but just not someone like me. Call me old fashioned, but I’d rather stay out as late as I can if I’m having a good time, kiss on the first date if I feel like it, and occasionally wear sweatpants while running errands instead of thinking every time I leave the house I should be dressed up in case today is the day I could meet ‘the one’.
Which, of course is why I don’t buy books on how to ‘close the deal’ when it comes to men. Which of course, might explain why I’m single and I’m fairly confident Jess Mc Cann isn’t.
Am I the only one who doesn’t have a list of dating rules? What “rules” do you follow?
ALSO: Season 4 Office Winner… (thanks randomizer.org) was #16, The Dutchess of Kickball! Congratulations lady! Email me your address to claim your prize.
- 16
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as we chatted about a couple months back…. i agree wholeheartedly with you. im a more fly by the seat of my pants chick. i cant be sticking to any set rules, that’s pretty much my only rule.
Totally don’t have a list of rules. And in getting the guy, I broke pretty much every one in “the book” anyway.
I annoyed him, I forced him to dance, I got too drunk, I hooked up on the first date. And we’ve been together 3 years. So I agree with you that no rules are the best way!
i would LOVE to know what blog entry of yours made this author think: “oh this is THE BOOK for her.”
and no, i don’t follow any rules either (which is why i may still be single as well) and i hate reading books that are thinly-veiled versions of “The Rules.”
My rules mostly consist of 1) be yourself and 2) don’t date just for the sake of dating, date because you genuinely like someone.
I definitely have practices that I think are more wise–not necessarily rules that I always follow, but I think just “following your heart” like so many people do generally leads to unhealthy relationships–or at least doing whatever I wanted led to unhealthy relationships for me.
So now I try to spend time getting to know someone before I get tangled up in the physical stuff; I find that putting off even kissing helps me make better choices and listen more to the person I’m with (instead of thinking about when we’ll make out next). I also try not to do the numerous dates/phone calls/texts in the first few weeks because I’m so excited about you sort of stuff. I think slow and steady is better–maybe not as exciting but more healthy and balanced and likely to lead to the sort of marriage I want. That may seem like playing games/rules to some people, but it’s resulting in me having much better relationships and much less drama and heartache.
p.s. I’m totally with you on the notion that we should want to be varied and interesting people just b/c that’s a better sort of life to live–instead of doing it to reel in a man.
If I had rules, I’m sure I’d still be as single as I am today. I think I’d also be less happy, though. My view on rules when it comes to dating is that they do exactly what they’re meant to do: restrict. Blah, who wants that?
I do see how spelling it out for some women might actually help, though. I just don’t think we’re those women.
Good review! And I think you ought to write a book called “First Become a More Interesting Person and Then Worry About Finding a Guy.” I think a lot of women could use that.
This is the third review I’ve read of this book and I’m surprised that she chose bloggers who, honestly, I could have predicted wouldn’t like it. I feel like there are a lot of bloggers out there who probably would like this book and it seems like she would have done better to stick with them? Maybe not, though.
That said, ughhhhhh. I think a lot of this advice is probably true, in the sense that it will, in many cases, artificially inflate a dude’s interest in you. Always leave him wanting more? Look ridiculously hot at all times? I mean, OBVI. Dudes will eat this up and it will be fun for a little while as he chases you around and you get to feel desirable. But, eventually, that falls apart. Because the millisecond that you let your guard down, he will lose interest, if you aren’t really a good match.
So I guess it just depends what you’re looking for. If you just want a short-lived fling and want to feel really desirable, then I actually think some of these game-playing can be a successful tactic. But if you’re seriously looking for love? It’s probably more a waste of time than anything.
Then again… I’m single, too.
Much love for this honest review. One of the reasons I like you so much!
p.s. I agree with justrun on that book title! I’d read that! Hell, I’d help you write it. :) (And Bella should read it, too… grrrrr…)
OK, let’s work through this a little bit. So you leave early from the date, make me wanting more, right? Then I call, and the whole thing starts over. Eventually, my winning charm will cause you to stay the night, and then I get to see you with bedhead. Is all the pent up desire from the first few dates blinding me in the morning? Or do I see you as you really are and hate myself for spending all this energy and time on you when I could be on to someone more real? I’d be pissed off if I found out I’d been played like that.
oy vey! and yeah, there goes your ticket for getting future free books in the mail. BUT if i ever get around to writing one, i’ll send you a free copy :)
Well, I do believe in some old fashioned approaches to dating, such as waiting for him to call, letting him pay for dinner, etc., I think that while it’s a good idea to remind some women that men (like most people) enjoy a well rounded interesting partner, I do not agree that women should change who they are to win a man.
Because let’s face it, those kind of “changes” are temporary and wouldn’t you rather be with someone who is like you and likes you the way you are? How can you expect to have a long term relationship with a man who thinks you are (and rightfully expects you to be) someone else?
I always hear women say ( and I’ve said this too) that it’s always the men that they just consider friends that want a more serious relationship while the men they secretly admire don’t seem to be interested. Gee, maybe that’s because these women are more themselves around the guy friends!
ok, enough already. Don’t get me started – oh, you already did
I like your outlook on that – at the end of the day I don’t think it’s a science. I agree with Laurie that her choice of reviewers was interesting – but if I could put my PR hat on for one second – it was probably successful because you have definitely started a good conversation about it and now a book that I have never even heard of, might catch my eye the next time I am in a book store.
I want a girl who agrees with everything I say and is willing to do my dishes at the end of the night. Was that in the book?
I’m kidding.
or am I?
I do not have rules. Unless, they can’t take no for an answer. Then I kick them out (or in the balls).
I don’t get “having rules.” Isn’t playing games like, the ultimate in poor communication and insincerity? Sometimes I read magazine articles that are all “do this and act like this to snag the man” and I laugh because does ANYBODY read this seriously? But I guess because books like this exist that yes, there is a market for women looking to learn rules. Kind of sad, hey?
Rules: I have none. I feel like they could, in many cases, impede something unexpectedly good. Also there’s the “love ALL of me” theory. I dunno. I guess it works unless part of me is a serial murderer.
Onward: Brandy, MAKE THIS NOW: especially if it’s that freakin cold. Oy.
1 750 mL bottle cabernet sauvignon
4 cups apple cider
juice and zest of 2 oranges
2 cinnamon sticks
4 whole cloves
boil for 10 min. simmer for however long. and uh, totally make a double batch, even if you’re drinking it all yourself.
modified from Ina Garten.
You only need a couple of rules. 1) Be yourself. 2) Don’t put up with someone who isn’t completly crazy about that self;-)
my rule? don’t read cosmo or anything that tells you how to manipulate your man. also, try not to manipulate. :) seriously though, i quit reading cosmo when i felt like the articles were less entertainment and more “how to manipulate your man/mom/boss into doing anything you want and thinking it’s his/her/his or her idea.” because if i can’t get any of them to see it my way, without having to put any effort into it, then hell. i’m not as good as i thought. ;)
really truly seriously though. for me, cosmo is the devil. not as cosmo as they seem to think, imho. even when i’m DESPERATE for a mag fix, i will not buy it. and really, when i quit reading that and gave up the manipulation (some people would call it “head games”) things started going a LOT more smoothly. i don’t think that’s a coincidence.
One rule I do think is important is…
Being single is better than being in a crap relationship – so don’t stay in a relationship if it isn’t working, and don’t persist seeing if it will improve – it’s not fair to either of you. (it may mean you remain single a little longer, but at least you won’t end up with the wrong guy!)
I don’t really have any rules, but I don’t really have a love life that such rules would apply to. I guess rules are good if you are insecure and don’t really know what you want, but I don’t think those qualities will help you in this department… But then again, what the hell do I know..?!
What attracts me to a woman is someone with a head on their shoulders… independent thinker… confident in herself… uhh…
Yeah I think what you said is about right… if you’re an interesting person, and a woman… then I’m probably going to be attracted to you in someway…
I’ve kind of run the gamut on the “rules” of the dating game – thinking I had to be more girlie, more not-girlie, more pizza+beer, more cocktails+pink, like certain bands, talk about certain things, NOT talk about certain things. I learned quickly that being anything other than comfortable with yourself (sweatpants while running errands or not) would eventually get outed. Over the years, I’ve come to accept that I’m a little off-the-wall, say some pretty dorky things, and will never see the appeal of tequila shots – and finally? I’m dating someone now that seems to dig all that, but if he didn’t? I don’t think I’d sweat it so much because I’m no longer willing to change myself. I figure the best “rules” to live by are: 1) be good to each other, 2) don’t agree with someone just to agree with them, and 3) take care of yourself. That goes beyond appearance, as I have no problem running around town in sweats and mismatched everything else. I just mean, you know – brush your teeth, be clean, treat yourself like you want to keep yourself in tact, etc. :)
That got wordy, but you got me thinking! Thanks :)
For every “rule” there is to dating, I can think of five reasons to break it. Seriously. I think women in general need to be confident in who they are and confident they will find a great match for them in due time. I didn’t meet my husband until I was 32. And not once up until that time did I feel sorry for my singleness. Being single was a time in my life I’ll never (hopefully) get back. I knew it at the time and I embraced it. If only we could all embrace the “here and now” instead of constantly planning or hoping for the future.
I totally agree with you – this is why I can’t read Cosmo at all. Period.
When Mister and I first started dating I did make a point of having very positive really short bursts of contact with him (because I thought I was being clever and wily lol) but that was to get to know him and go on a date. Once we were dating that stuff all went away.
This kind of thinking leads to two things, I think. One – the underlying message is that you should be with someone, and if you aren’t it’s really your fault, and two – that while you’re with someone you should be self analyzing to make sure you’re using all your charms and saying the right things.
If someone is only interested in me because I’m putting on a persona that anyone else can adopt from reading the same book, I would rather stay home and watch a movie than waste my time with them.
I get that isn’t the whole idea but really, I can’t imagine the effort.
Justrun: “First Become a More Interesting Person and Then Worry About Finding a Guy.” – OMG, write it NOW!!!
I’m just not good enough at manipulating to have ever followed any of this type of advice. But I’ve been with Husband for 8 years (4 married) and I can honestly say that avoiding those kind of mind-games led directly to me finding the man that loves me as an entire person.
Books like that (IMHO) push women back into the dark ages!! It’s the whole notion that you need a man to be “complete” or some such nonsense. That a single woman above a certain age is looked down upon as somehow defective. FUCK THAT!!
As you said, you do things to better yourself, not to ‘get’ a partner. Because I fully believe that a girl who really IS only into celebrity gossip will still find someone to love her. You surely don’t want someone to fall in love with a false version of you.
Hang around if you’re having fun. Give a kiss if you feel like it.
Bra-vo. I love you for this.
Careful about what the “experts” have to say. I know someone who wrote a book as a financial expert when her financial life is in turmoil. “Physician heal thyself” comes to mind. I wonder if she’s married or in a successful relationship and what the trail looks like. Remember, Barbara de Angelis (sp?) is a relationship “expert” who’s been married five times.
Or as my mom used to say, “Don’t believe anything you read and only half of what you see.”
Hopefully this is an appropriate response to a post I read yesterday and am commenting on today. Happy Christmas!
Nuts to rules, I say! Follow your heart! Every relationship is going to end… until one doesn’t, as Dan Savage would say. Why not trust your gut and roll with it? I’m sure it’ll be a lot more fun and stress-free then trying to adhere to silly rules.
Got to say, this is the second blogger book review I’ve seen about this book and neither were favourable. If you’re going to reach out to the blogging community about your book to garner publicity, maybe make sure the book is damn good first? Just a thought…
I know where you’re coming from, I have a buddy who reads pick-up books and is always telling me how I should act with the girls I’m dating.
What ever happened to being yourself and if a person doesn’t like you for you, then they probably weren’t worth it?
I cannot stand games or lame metaphors that people somehow deem to write an entire book on. Hence me and self-help books aren’t great friends.
Any time I try to set rules for myself, I end up breaking them, so I only have one: No Settling.
Probably why I’m still single.
Hi there! Just wanted to thank you for the review of my book. Even though you didn’t think it applied to you, I appreciate you taking an interest and still being open minded about it helping some women out there.
IF (and that is the key word) IF your goal is to get into a relationship, You Lost Him at Hello will help you. Unfortunately some ladies can’t “just be themselves” on dates because they are too nervous, desperate, or already in love with the guy who they’ve known for 10 minutes… But that of course, doesn’t apply to all women…just a whole lot of them ;-)
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