Somedays I really hate parent bloggers.
Okay, that’s not true (I just needed a really controversial opening line and anything else my brain thought of involved B-list celebrities and was far too offensive to share), but honestly- I’m often pretty envious of parent bloggers. Having a kid is pretty much like having blogging gold on hand 24/7. Seriously. Every 2.8 seconds kids are saying something ridiculous enough that you could blog it and people would think you were hilarious. This is the same reason I get angry at bloggers who own pets. Or have significant others. Or you know, hobbies.
Because the blogging material comes so much easier.
Thankfully, I work with kids so when my inspiration well runs dry, I can blog about work (Hush now, you don’t have to tell me, I can FEEL your excitement) and the things kids say that cause me to drink warm my heart. Here are this weeks gems:
Scene #1: Setting: Grade 1 class. I notice Anna is sitting at her desk bawling when I’m trying to get everyone lined up to wash hands.
Me: Hey Anna, what’s wrong?
Anna (whose face is covered in snot and tears): I just miss my kitten. It ran away and I miss it.
Me: Oh Anna, I’m sorry. When did this happen?
Anna: Two years ago.
Me: Okay…. well…. how about you miss your kitten while washing your hands?
Scene #2: Grade 2: End of the day, 25 children are buzzing around each drunk on candy and the prospect of a long weekend
Chase: Teacher, Brandon just sniffed my butt.
Me: What? He did what?
Chase: He. Sniffed. My. Butt.
Me: Brandon, did you sniff Chase’s butt?
Brandon: Because I was picking up my pencil and his butt was pretty close and I wanted to sniff it so I did.
Me: Okay, you can’t do that anymore. It’s…. rude.
Chase: Yeah, my butt is my property.
Scene #3: Grade 1 math class. Drew (who is so cute and tiny he’s like a little Polly Pocket. A Simon Birch without the Coke bottle glasses and the old timey sweaters) is leaning on my desk refusing to do his math.
Me: Listen Drew, you have to get this done. Now, fill in the blank. What is the number that comes right after 9?
Drew: I can’t do this.
Me: Why not?
Drew: Because… because….. I’m quivering. (Drew then drops his pencil to the ground and does a standing full body impersonation of a grand mal seizure, jerking his body all over while humming as high as possible. He continues until he runs out of breath and then looks at me with his eyebrows raised)
Me: So what comes after 9?
Drew: I hate math.
I’m ready for the weekend. Who is with me?