Somedays I really hate parent bloggers.
Okay, that’s not true (I just needed a really controversial opening line and anything else my brain thought of involved B-list celebrities and was far too offensive to share), but honestly- I’m often pretty envious of parent bloggers. Having a kid is pretty much like having blogging gold on hand 24/7. Seriously. Every 2.8 seconds kids are saying something ridiculous enough that you could blog it and people would think you were hilarious. This is the same reason I get angry at bloggers who own pets. Or have significant others. Or you know, hobbies.
Because the blogging material comes so much easier.
Thankfully, I work with kids so when my inspiration well runs dry, I can blog about work (Hush now, you don’t have to tell me, I can FEEL your excitement) and the things kids say that cause me to drink warm my heart. Here are this weeks gems:
Scene #1: Setting: Grade 1 class. I notice Anna is sitting at her desk bawling when I’m trying to get everyone lined up to wash hands.
Me: Hey Anna, what’s wrong?
Anna (whose face is covered in snot and tears): I just miss my kitten. It ran away and I miss it.
Me: Oh Anna, I’m sorry. When did this happen?
Anna: Two years ago.
Me: Okay…. well…. how about you miss your kitten while washing your hands?
Scene #2: Grade 2: End of the day, 25 children are buzzing around each drunk on candy and the prospect of a long weekend
Chase: Teacher, Brandon just sniffed my butt.
Me: What? He did what?
Chase: He. Sniffed. My. Butt.
Me: Brandon, did you sniff Chase’s butt?
Brandon: Yep.
Me: Why?
Brandon: Because I was picking up my pencil and his butt was pretty close and I wanted to sniff it so I did.
Me: Okay, you can’t do that anymore. It’s…. rude.
Chase: Yeah, my butt is my property.
Scene #3: Grade 1 math class. Drew (who is so cute and tiny he’s like a little Polly Pocket. A Simon Birch without the Coke bottle glasses and the old timey sweaters) is leaning on my desk refusing to do his math.
Me: Listen Drew, you have to get this done. Now, fill in the blank. What is the number that comes right after 9?
Drew: I can’t do this.
Me: Why not?
Drew: Because… because….. I’m quivering. (Drew then drops his pencil to the ground and does a standing full body impersonation of a grand mal seizure, jerking his body all over while humming as high as possible. He continues until he runs out of breath and then looks at me with his eyebrows raised)
Me: So what comes after 9?
Drew: I hate math.
I’m ready for the weekend. Who is with me?
Oh, and I have to say this because I know I will get emails about it… yes I changed these childrens names. So you know, the internet will never know the true identity of the boy who sniffs peoples butts.
Honest to God, teaching is the BEST! While I didn’t have quite as um, active, of a week with the kiddos as you – seriously? Your kids are hilarious! – I’m happy it’s Friday, too!
My first grader, after informing me that some people, who work so hard, still don’t have enough (enough what, I don’t know, but that’s what he told me) so my kiddo tells me (in his most serious, I mean business six-year-old voice), “I think I need to have a conversation with Barak Obama.”
I had to bite my tongue to keep from giggling.
“Sweetie, that’s a wonderful idea,” I told him. “You should definitely do that.”
There are times when conversations like this (and the ones you quoted) almost make me forget I make peanuts for money. ALMOST.
Scene #4: Grade 8 class. Lunch bell has rung. Student is putting on his coat to go home.
Bane of my existence: (looks at me) You know … you have bags under your eyes.
Me: Uh huh.
Bane: Do you sleep much?
Me: As much as I can …
Bane: Maybe you need iron.
Me: Perhaps I could use some.
Bane: You know what’s a good source of iron? Horses.
Me: Thanks. I’ll keep that in mind.
Bane: Bye, have a good lunch!
There is no way I could be a teacher and keep a straight face. You must have nerves of steel!
It is now my mission in life to teach young single women who go to bars to simply say, “My butt is my property!” as a means of warding off unwanted advances. Don’t believe it gets much simpler than that.
I love kids so much!
This is hilarious. How do you keep from just busting out laughing? I would never be able to do it. Ever. I wold probably just laugh and make fun of them., which is why I will never be a teacher.
lol you have a lot of interesting blogging materials then, one of the reasons would be this.. isnt it nicer to blog about a lot of kids than just one?:)
I’m going to have to try that “quivering” excuse. Maybe it’ll work!
“My butt is my property” is what I’m going to go around saying at work.
Kids are awesome. :)
I’m totally ready for the weekend, too. Kids make me laugh SO much! I read things like this (and hear kids while I’m at my own job), and I cannot wait to have them simply for the ridiculous things they’ll say. Well, and I guess the cuteness factor comes into play, too…
Oh wow. That’s great. Love it. Especially the “You can’t do that. It’s… rude,” part about kids sniffing other kids’ butts.
Nice.
“Because I was picking up my pencil and his butt was pretty close and I wanted to sniff it so I did.”
I love it.
Oh my gosh. This is just what I needed to read right now.
Fabulous.
Please let your inspiration dry up a bit more often so that you can tell us these funny stories…(jk kind of)
What kind of teacher are you?
That… is wonderful. It makes me miss working with kids horribly. (I know, there are days when you question your sanity, but moments like the ones you describe make up for it in the end, right?) :)
Those comments made me miss working with 1/2nd graders. All throughout college I worked as an aide in a classroom and the things they would say! Those are absolutely hilarious!
Have a great weekend!
You should totally make this a weekly feature – The Funny Things Kids Say…
I am totally using “I’m quivering” as an excuse to get out of anything now.
Amazing.
That quivering excuse is amazing. I’m going to use it today in work!
What a great post! It does reaffirm my belief that kids are odd and scary things though :)
“My butt is my property” pretty much seems like good life advice all around.
Do I count as a parent blogger? :-D
the problem with being a parent and a blogger is the chances of someone calling Child Protective Services on you goes up exponentionally as you reveal your true desire to throttle your child.
I practically live for Friday evenings when my best friend, who’s a 6th grade teacher at the WORST school in town, and I go out for sushi. She has the funniest stories, and the look on her face when she walks in tells me exactly how strong of a drink she needs. So you’re not alone :-)
I can relate to this on so many ways. Some of the things that come out of these kids’ mouths simultaneously try not to laugh out loud and curse that ‘under 21′ marker on my license.
Frizzle (teacher I work under): “I have very good news for all of you.”
“We’re getting a pony!”
“Barney’s coming here!”
“The aliens are here!”
Frizzle: “Umm…no. You all said you hoped Kendall could stay with us. Well he is.”
Skittles: “Yay, we get to keep our Kendall!”
Me: “I didn’t know I was a pet, little one.”
Skittles: “I don’t know. You’d be cute with a pink collar. Are you paper trained yet? Have you had your shots?”
Le sigh.
I think these stories are precious! Keep ‘em coming!!! My butt is my property is a great line, too!
“my butt is my property” and “i’m quivering” are two adorable kid phrases which just made my friday.
happy weekend friend. oh hells yes im ready. to SLEEP. all. weekend.
hold me.
Awesome. I am totally going to use “my butt is my property.” Do you think my dogs will respect that?
Drew is way smart for his age. I didn’t catch on the the seizure thing until I was in middle school.
hahahahahahaha
“Okay…. well…. how about you miss your kitten while washing your hands?”
You slay me.
And Drew is my new favourite person. I hate math, too.
LOL Drew is my soul mate, that’s pretty much how I still handle mental math.
I’d love to be a fly on the wall in your classroom. Your kids and their humor are priceless.
Oh lord, that Drew is certainly going to be a troublemaker if he’s coming up with clever things like that in just first grade!
A little boy at the park I work at over the summer when out into the open field and just started peeing. When we asked him why he didn’t use the bathroom, he replied with, ‘I was scared. The Pink Panther was in there.’
Man, kids like that really ruin it for all of us who genuinely convulse at the prospect of doing math.
These quips are magical. Seriously, I love them. BTW, having a dog does not equal great blog fodder. I cannot imagine having to put into words the look of defeat on my dog’s face when I bundle her up in her coat and booties. What? It’s -17 here. And she sincerely quivers when she’s cold!
The last kid is priceless! Love it.
I’m a mommyblogger and sometimes I hate mommybloggers too.
And it’s hard having a mommyblog because i don’t want it to be all about my kid and sometimes there isn’t much else going on in my life. Plus it’s MY damn blog, so it should be about ME too.
That’s why I like yours. Because I feel like your life is kinda like what my life would be like if I didn’t have the whole family thing keeping me from staying up past 9 on weeknights.
And you have a million hilarious kids to talk about!
Drew and I feel the same way about math. Good to know that next time I have an excuse… “I’m quivering!”
Also, Chase needs someone to remind him that his butt is his property when he becomes a teenager. Just sayin’.
kids scare me.
“then he does a standing full body impersonation of a grand mal seizure”
best. line. ever.
lmao
Holy crap. That math kid is my favourite. I still do the fake seizure.
I’m going to try that quivering bit and see if I can’t get myself an early leave from work today. Thanks, little Simon Birch-esque guy!
“My butt is my property,” is the greatest quote ever. I am going to use regularly now!
Thank you!
woohoo! Now when the hubby gets that glint in his eye I have an answer;
“No! MY butt is MY property!”
I officially love Drew and will be stealing that move the next time my roommates ask me to wash my dishes.
Also, this: “My butt is my property.” Going on a t-shirt.
My butt is my property…HAHA love. it. Next time a guy tries something i’m so going to use that line ;)
HaHa, I was just thinking about how much funnier my blog will be when I have kids, or at least a dog.
These are too cute. Kids crack me up.
I see a new billboard for a sexual harassment awareness campaign:
Your butt is YOUR property!
*Brought to you by the organization to end butt sniffing.*
Also, Drew? I hate math too.
You know, if you don’t share all those offensive opening lines, I’m going to be seriously disappointed…
Okay this is exactly what I needed to read at this very second.
I love kids.
When they aren’t mine.
I love kids and their shenanigans and can’t wait for my camp to start :)
WTf is with kids crying over pets they lost before they can remember?
I walked into my kitchen to find Owl crying. Immediately (because I am a bad parent) I walked over to The Boy and asked accusing wtf he’d done to Owl. (Owl is a bit odd.)
“Nothing Mom, he’s crying over his hamster.”
“I’m sorry to hear about your hamster. I know The Boy has mentionned the Hamster many times.”
“Oh, this is not THAT hamster. This was the hamster before him.”
… “The one I’m upset about died two years ago.”
Gah! Suck it up boy.
haha seriously kids are hilarious, i love the butt is my property line, that one is classic.
happy weekend!
[...] “I’m quivering” might be my new favourite excuse « It’s like I’m … [...]
OMG… out of the mouths of babes! i’m a highschool teacher – i *wish* my kids said funny stuff like this. with the age group i teach, they’re all over the sexual innuendos and “that’s what he/she said” jokes… which, admittedly, are sometimes kinda funny. (;
oh gosh… i kind of want to adopt “drew”
this is hilarious. and good to know that your butt is your property. hahaha
This makes me wish I had decided to be a teacher. I love the hilarious quotes that kids come up with, it’s simply amazing.
this is gold, I loved this post so much. The kitten story broke my heart and little drew….gosh gotta love him
Let’s hope that “Chase” never ends up in prison.
These are hilarious. I love Drew to bits.
Lol and there is still someone who wishes to be teacher?? I can’t believe that.
I’ve recently just found your blog and I’m so glad I did. I’ll be back!
I think I will try Drew’s quiver/seizure stunt at work on Monday. I hate Mondays. You’re right! The kids are a wealth of blogging fodder.
Hahaha. Hilarious parent-blogs always make me wish I had a couple of kids to keep me laughing. Fortunately, a lot of parent-blogs are often also full of horror stories, which keep me from having any too soon.
I think being a teacher is the perfect solution. You can get all of the funny stories and at the end of the day, you can just give the kids back to the parents. Riti Sped was actually one of the first blogs I ever really got into (do your comments allow for html? I hope so.)
With teaching you have many children to get blog fodder from. And butt sniffing is right up there. Almost as good as knowing one’s butt is one’s own property.
Do parents who blog really give you shit about your stories? Some people have nothing better to do.
I have a child and 3 stepkids. I know what it’s like to parent 4 of them. I love my kids but I have extreme empathy for teachers. Extreme. 14-35 kids per class depending on your school, multiple classes per day, comingling demographics…
I cannot believe teacher and athlete salaries are not inverse. It is one thing wrong with the universe.
P.S. Your stories are hilarious. When you get negative email, channel Tina Fey during the Golden Globes and tell them to “suck it!”
Oops. I think I misunderstood your hating parent bloggers. I am quick to the draw with the “suck it, ” no?
*smile*
At least your kids are learning at a young age that that “my butt is my property”. I have nights out that I still have to remind men of that.
This post totally made me miss children!
Hey, I found your blog on 20sb. I’m a new member. My blog doesn’t really have anything special to it, but I’ve read a couple of your entries and I just wanted to let you know that I think you’re hilarious!
Oh wow.
I think “I’m quivering” and “My butt is my property” deserve to be on t-shirts somewhere.
I imagine a Filbert-ala-Rocko’s Modern Life character. Instead of “i’m nauseous, I’m nauseous” it’s “I’m quivering…I”m quivering”
Kids are cute.
hahahahahaha! omg, brandy.
first of all, i totally relate on the “i need some friggin’ blog fodder” front. i try not to get TOO personal on the blog because when i have in the past it has blown up in my face and that was NOT FUN. so i get where you’re comin’ from. someday when i’m married and have babies, i’ll probably tell of the funnies, but for now… when it’s roommates and a dog? i just keep my mouth shut. besides, the only really good blog fodder are the ridiculous things that my mom and i get in half-ass arguments about, and she’s my number one fan. so. that won’t work.
anyway, the kids are ADORABLE. i’m so glad you got to see mini-walter too. i miss that kid. :)
that is some seriously funny stuff – do you actually keep a straight face through it??
HAHAHAHAHH.
Seriously, with every post of the ridiculous things these youngsters do, you make me reconsider my career path. I’m pretty sure the hilarity overrides the stressful mess days in teaching children.
I love. And as I likely won’t become a teacher, please continue with posts like these. I will live vicariously through you.
Blueberry vodka and lemonade sound delightful. Will have to try.