For those who say I’m going to hell… (aka: This is the post you get when I talk religion before 8 am)

When I was in grade one, I had a reading partner named Claire. Claire and I would choose our favorite books and share a tired, orange beanbag at the back of the classroom. We would read each other the stories and if we tired of reading, we would make up our own versions, which would always include cotton candy and/or a magical unicorn named Rusty.

One day, while sitting with Claire, I farted. Claire first looked surprised, then she started to cry. I asked her what was wrong and she told me I was going to hell. God didn’t let people who farted go to heaven. I didn’t know a lot about Hell (my family didn’t go to church), but from what Claire had told me, it sounded bad. Really bad. I remembered a particularly colorful description that involved my blood being set on fire. I cried so hard our teacher came over and when the situation was explained, Claire and I had to read alone. And then she called Claire’s mom.

When I was in grade four, I had a good friend named Sarah. Sarah was known for her hair. It was long,- really long and thick, which meant really heavy. Her parents refused to let her cut it, so at recess Sarah would cry on the playground, her neck was constantly sore from the weight of her hair. I decided to help and so a few of us would take turns “carrying” Sarah’s hair around for her at recess so her neck wouldn’t hurt. Like a princess who has finally gotten people to carry her train, Sarah was incredibly happy.

One day Sarah showed up at school with Guess? jeans. Sarah had never had Guess? jeans. Her clothes were always hand downs from her older sisters. I asked how she finally got the jeans and she told me that she had paid for them herself. I asked how she had paid for them, since she didn’t get an allowance. She gleefully explained to me that she had gotten $50 from her parents for reading the entire Bible.  I gave her a high five. Then she told me that her mom didn’t want her being friends with me anymore because I wasn’t reading the Bible and was going to burn in Hell. I considered taking back the high five.

Again? Tears.

One of my best friends Laura- I met through work about five years ago. Again, she’s a religious person who works in a church with youth. One night after a few cocktails, we started talking about religion and I asked her if she thought I was going to Hell. She said yes. Not with malice or with smugness, but with genuine sadness. I feel like it’s a testament to our friendship that she felt she could be honest, as much as I disliked what she said. Because I don’t go to Church and pray the way she believes that you need to in order to earn your way into heaven, I won’t be kicking it with the gold harpists and hot, naked, male  minions who will dedicate their lives to making sure my every wish is granted.

There were no tears this time.

I guess after the third time, you just get used to being told you are going to Hell.

Maybe heaven doesn’t exist. Maybe it does. Maybe I will never get to go.Maybe I will. But if farting or never reading the Bible or not praying the way someone else believes is the right way, means I don’t get to go? I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be alone. In fact, I’m fairly confident I will be seeing a lot of familiar faces in whatever “Hell” is and that alone makes me feel better about the whole damn thing.

Besides, George Clooney farts. I just know it.

And if George is in Hell, well- suddenly the place just got a lot more inviting.

(Still accepting submissions for The “Secret” Project!)

89 comments to For those who say I’m going to hell… (aka: This is the post you get when I talk religion before 8 am)

  • Dude what were those parents smoking? Farting=going to hell? Think of all that stomach pain!

  • I guarantee you that Claire has since exploded from holding her farts in. Parents are crazy!

  • I definitely agree with you. I don’t know if you’ve ever witnessed those presentations on college campuses where an individual hands out “million dollar bills” and tells everyone that if they’ve lied, cheated, swore, etc. etc. they’re going to Hell, but after a while it kind of leads you to think that you’re just a lost cause anyway.

    Additionally, I kind of feel that you should have opted to high-five Sarah’s face. But that’s probably why I’m going to Hell too.

  • Oh. My. God. I’m a practicing Catholic so yeah I’m somewhat religious, but, um, I’m going to have to go ahead and disagree with all your friends there and say you don’t appear to be a candidate for hell. Just because someone goes to church, prays or reads the bible doesn’t mean they are going straight to heaven. Anyone recall the BTK serial killer? Dude had a family and went to church every Sunday.

    Sorry, I could go on and on about this. But not cool. And everyone farts!

  • My mum always says that she’s not keen to go to heaven because she wouldn’t know anybody there anyway. :p

  • one of my really good friends in college told me she honestly believed i was going to hell. i had the same feeling as you in your third story. if not believing or praying the way i’m supposed to lands me in hell i’m going to have to get a really big handbasket because most of my friends will be travelling with me! and that doesn’t seem very ‘hellish’ to me :)

  • SM

    I was raised Catholic (although, not strictly, thankfully) and grew up in a community where everyone was either Presbyterian or Dutch Reformed or one of those non-denominational “Christians” so I was told I was going to hell on a regular basis.

    It sucks. And it’s why, now that I’m a mom, deciding to have my child baptized in a religion was a hard decision for me to make. But I am determined to have him at least have some kind of foundation of knowledge so when kids say stupid shit like that to him, he will know that not everyone believes the same things and to just let it roll off his back.

    That being said, I’m a heathen and will always be a heathen. So I’ll be partying with you & George. w00t!

  • Do you really think it’s possible to set your blood on fire?

    I think someone needs to try. That would be the best thing ever.

  • I grew up Catholic. And even though this means I should have said, “yup, J-Man is da bomb! A couple hundred people? Fed ‘em all with a fish and some bread. Walked on water. Born of a virgin. He’s cool.” I never could get behind it. It always seemed, well, like a story. I understood the basic “Be a good person. Don’t steal stuff. If you don’t like your hair pulled you shouldn’t pull Susie’s” commandants and thought they were a good thing. But it bothered me that women couldn’t be priests, and that under Catholic dogma I shouldn’t be allowed to control my reproduction. Also I didn’t like the idea of telling some man in a booth how I’d screwed up that week.

    If there is any such thing as heaven and hell, I’m pretty sure it’d be more like No Exit and less fire and brimstone. Mine would probably be an aquarium with a whale exhibit where I’d have to be a telemarketer indefinitely. Shudder.

  • I consider myself agnostic, and actually know very little about most religions but I was always under the impressions that God is supposed to be all forgiving. So if God can forgive a murderer, I’m sure he can forgive a farter.

  • There’s a thing called “The Inclusion Gospel” that’s really interesting – a very prominent Evangelical preacher had a vision from God and was told that no one is going to hell, we have trials here and then everyone is welcomed. That’s the whole point.

    He started preaching to his congregation and was abandoned by nearly everyone. His church was ruined – but he’s still working and has slowly found people who want to support his message.

    As someone who isn’t religious the concept of hell is very strange, but inside those communities it’s a huge motivator – and I can’t imagine how sad it is for people who really believe the rest of us are going to hell. I have so much compassion for the sadness that must cause, but it just doesn’t resonate with me.

    I think God must have better things to do with his time than send Buddhist monks to hell on the basis of semantics.

  • I’m pretty sure that, as long as you confess to farting, you are in the clear.

    My understanding of the rules is that you can do whatever you want, so long as, sometime before you die, you accept Jesus as your savior. I think you probably have to really mean it, but if you can pull that off, then you are good…

  • I get told that I’m going to hell now by my closeminded old friends because I got divorced and now live with my new boyfriend. They tell me I need to leave my adulterous relationship and that they can’t be friends with me because God told them to turn me over to Satan.

    Yeah, now I really wanna leave my boyfriend and hang out with them? Um…notsomuch.

    Funny thing is, they hang out with my ex-husband and his new girlfriend all the time. Double standards much?

    I think any time someone religious tries to push you to do or not do something under the threat of hell they are just being manipulative. It drives me absolutely mad!

  • Kendall

    Like Maria, I’m a practicing Catholic. Also like her, I disagree with your friends. This is the kind of thing that makes me angry. Like the college preachers who hang out in quads telling people just why they’re all going to Hell.

    No one, however much they say otherwise knows what it takes to get to Heaven. Nor do I believe God would condemn a good person.

  • KJ

    George Clooney farts?

    Okay, I like him even more.

    I don’t know why the Christians think they have all the answers when there are clearly no answers, and since nobody’s ever come back from hell (or heaven), how do they know it exists? And if they don’t know for sure it exists, how can they insist that’s where you’re going? You ask me, if farting gets you a ticket downstairs, we’re ALL heading there. So how bad could it be?

  • distracted spunk

    I’m pretty sure Jews don’t subscribe to the heaven/hell theory. I was going somewhere with this, but I don’t really remember where. I got distracted…but I think I was trying to say something along the lines of you can just say you’re Jewish and you don’t believe in heaven or hell, but that might open a whole nother can of worms.

    Then again, I’m not a very good Jew so I probably have no idea what I’m saying. :)

  • teabelly

    When I was at university in the US two of my suite mates left the room when I told them I didn’t believe in god. Later one said ‘I just feel so bad for you, because you’re going to hell.’ The idea of being so sure of that, when really it’s not at all your place to say, really wound me up. The fact that she was dating outside her religion (which apparently was a HUGE no-no to her family) didn’t seem to worry her.

    I don’t know a lot about a lot, but I would never presume to know what God was thinking. If he existed I mean. Ride the hypothetical train with me here.

  • You know, I’m no scientist but I don’t think going to hell for farting meshes very well with the fire and brimstone theory of hell. In other words, if you go to hell for farting, and there’s all that fire, well, I’m pretty sure hell has exploded by now…yeah I totally just scientifically proved the non-existence of hell, so looks like we’re all in the clear!

  • Just say three Hail Mary’s and maybe your luck will change….

  • After you carried around her hair at recess and everything!

    This post is both funny and extremely sad. The way some people let religion alienate others is heartbreaking. Especially since, if you read the Bible, Jesus says that those who don’t believe need love and support even more than those who do.

    I like what Kyla said about the trials and tributions we face on earth being hell enough. However, if that doesn’t happen and all of these things mean burning hot afterlife, I’ll see you there.

  • karijo09

    I’m pretty sure everyone is going to hell b/c every religion says if you don’t believe their way, then you’re going to hell so…therefor we’re all going to hell!

    see ya there ;)

  • I was raised in a VERY religious and strict household. I am pretty sure my family thinks I’m going to hell, for walking away from their beliefs.

    But I personally believe if you are a good person, if you are kind to others and try to be a decent, honest person, how could you go to “hell?” We all have our own beliefs, I don’t think any ONE way is RIGHT and everyone else is doomed. Otherwise hell is going to be MIGHTY full and heaven is going to be pretty damn lonely.

  • At various times over the years, various friends (and family members) have told me I was going to hell for being a vegetarian, not getting married young and “procreating,” and never having been “overcome by the Holy Spirit” and spoken in tongues.

    When I used to work at a bank, I had one of those customers who would always come in more for a chat than for any actual business. I didn’t mind him as much as the other people who did that, though, because he’d always say, “You know, I’m probably going to hell, but I figure that’s where most of the cool people will be anyway.”

    It’s not a bad philosophy.

  • Wow, poor Claire – never farting? Dear God – I hope she didn’t spontaneously combust. On a serious note I am like you – I’m not really religious and I don’t go to church other than a wedding or baptism here and there. I have a really good friend who is very religious and we had this same conversation, not that long ago where she told me because I have “accepted” Jesus in to my life that I was going to go to hell. To which I responded, but I’m a good person – that has to count for something – she simply said, no actually it doesn’t. So my dear, if your going to hell – your damn right your gonna have some good company because I (like most of your readers I’m sure) will be there too.

  • P.S. I was told the thing about procreating when I was 24. Apparently, I should have gotten married at 18 and never used birth control. Who knew?

  • Or, you can just not believe in Hell (like me!) and that takes care of THAT!

    Really, farting makes you go to hell? She was going too then!

  • If I die first, I’ll save you a spot in hell. We’ll stay toasty warm for eternity. ;)

  • I was raised in a churchgoing family, indoctrinated at an early age to believe that Jesus – not God, but Jesus specifically – was the only way to heaven. When I was in 3rd grade, I asked my Sunday School teacher if Anne Frank went to hell because she was a Jew and didn’t believe in Jesus. The teacher just repeated that Jesus was the only way to heaven.

    I went in the bathroom and cried. She was my hero.

    Ah, memories.

  • Like Rebekah, I grew up believing that Jesus (not just a belief in God) was the only way into heaven. The whole “free will” thing bugs me as well. God supposedly has this free will policy. He won’t MAKE you believe in him. However, if you don’t, then you go to hell. Those are the choices? Believe in a religion full of inaccuracies and intolerance or go to hell?

    I remember giving the “I’d rather be in hell with good people than in heaven with the hypocrites” line to my former pastor. I was then told that hell is a lonely, lonely place and that we will be separated from everyone. No company in hell. You mean, I can actually have some uninterrupted Me Time? Sign me up!

  • I was raised in the church, have since strayed a great far distance and don’t believe that Jesus is the only way to get to heaven. In fact, I think its pretty much bullshit. That being said, I’ve been told by my own uncle (who had a few year stint as a methodist minister) that I am going to Hell. First class. Window seat.

    I am still struggling with what I believe, but I’m ok with that.

  • Considering the activities that churchy folk deem “necessary” to get into Heaven, I’m guessing it’s a pretty dull place.

    I’ll be seeing you down under. I’ll be the one sipping mojitos by the river of burning blood with Brad Pitt and Eric Dane :)

  • Nat

    I’m so going to hell for farthing.

    Someone left a comment on my blog saying that she hoped I found Yahveh. (It was a post about my son asking about death.) It took a lot decorum not to ask where she lost him…

    I can deal with the not sharing beliefs. It’s the condescention that makes me crazy.

  • I have a really good friend who will look down on you if you do something against the bible/her beliefs. And all I keep thinking when she goes all self righteous is, “So what about that affair you had that ended your marriage? Isn’t that against the bible?” I love how people tend to pick and chose what they want to believe from the bible.

  • Have you seen ‘Religulous’? If not – run and rent it immediately! And funny enough, I had a conversation like this with three Christians on Friday night – about judging people’s beliefs. And how I, a reformed Christian, get judged more by Christians than anyone else.

    And then today, I was cracking up watching 700 Club. Have you ever watched that? “Someone who has a sinus infection in their ear is being healed by God right now.” Then tomorrow someone will write or call in and say, “Yesterday you said someone with a sinus infection was being healed by God. That someone was me.” It’s hysterical!

  • pj

    I will be selling handbaskets on the way down and cold water as well. Stop by my booth.

  • Oh, girlfriend! I can’t get over how that little girl told you that you were going to hell because you FARTED! If that’s the case, then shit…I’m gonna be the queen of hell. ha. Also, I’m pretty sure my abundant profanity, pre-marital sex, and living-in-sin-ness are all other things that will get me there. We’ll have a party in Hell, me, you, and all the other farters. ha.

  • I will see you in hell…

    I wonder if Claire’s parents cried when their daughter exploded?

  • Meri

    I teared up when I read Rebekah’s account of her Sunday school teacher and Anne Frank. It makes me sad that so many people have probably had similar experiences. I hope Anne Frank was still your hero.
    Although I’m sure as a child I believed in a hell of sorts, but now I don’t. I don’t remember when I realized it, but it was definitely before I realized I didn’t believe in a god. I just couldn’t wrap my brain around heaven and hell and some of the reasoning as to why someone would go to one place or the other (unbaptized babies — in limbo?, didn’t dig that…I know the stand has changed, but this was before).

  • When I was in Grade 4, I had a friend tell me I was headed for eternal damnation because I didn’t go to church.

    I told her that I certainly was not and that if she was going to be horrible, she could find someone else to walk home with.

    Don’t ask me how I had such a solidly formed opinion back then, but I remember it was pretty satisfying to tell her that. Great post!

  • A.

    Great post!

    I will see you in hell… I’ll bet it will be quite the party!

  • Is it so wrong that I farted as I read this? Just wondering. At least you’ll have company in hell. Lots of it. =)

  • Hell is going to be quite crowded and smelly with all of us heading there and brining our farts with us…we’ll just have to make sure there’s lots of martinis.

  • Great post! I could have written this and judging by the comments, many others feel the same way. It’s nice to know we’ll all be getting rejected together at the pearly gates!

  • they’re crazy, whats up with not cutting hair? not farting? Talking about extremes..and your friend shouldnt even say that to you no matter how religious she is..because NOBODY could make sure of it, nobody should predict afterlife and decide it for other people. Screw people like that.

    To be completely honest, these entire concepts of heaven and hell are just confusing to me..

  • kerryedaway

    Hahaha this is absolutely hilarious!

    When I was 11, I was spending the night at my friend’s house. She was from a different culture and had customs that I was rather unfamiliar with. For instance, before we could go to sleep we had to put our feet in steaming hot water while drinking ice water so that the devil wouldn’t get us in our sleep. (I still haven’t figured out the reasoning behind this). I refused to partake in this act and made her mom drive me home.

    I wasn’t asked to stay over again.

  • I had a friend in high school who was similar. We stayed friends via the phone when we went to colleges in different towns, and all was good until she got engaged. Then she told me that we could no longer be friends because her husband-to-be had never met me, and therefore I represented a “threat” to their marriage. I offered to meet, but it was a no-go. Friendship over because her religion said that I, somehow, threatened their marriage. Go figure.

  • the first 2 I can understand – they were CHILDREN and just acting on what their parents told them

    but your friend Laura? that’s just crazy-talk

    and it was over cocktails, right? so am assuming she was partaking of the cocktails?

    bloody hypocrite and I know she’s your friend and I’m sorry for being “mean” but really, that kind of rhetoric bugs the living daylights out of me and is indicative of what is so very wrong with “Christian” society

    I would be willing to bet any amount of money that if you were to ask God or whomever it is you may or may not believe in whether or not you were going to Hell he/she/it/they would let out a resounding

    “HELL NO!!”

    that’s all, end of rant :)

  • Aren’t people crazy? : )

    It seems like Heaven gets smaller once people think they are in. Pretty much the opposite of what should probably happen.

  • Suz

    I hate hypocrites and the people that tell you that you are going to hell for doing something- anything they don’t agree with. It is just sad.

    I believe no one is perfect- including me. We all do things we shouldn’t and indulge in things that others might see as bad. (But farting…really?)

    Self-proclaimed Christians who judge others don’t understand the message. They give the Christian religion a bad rap and are sinners too, but must just be in denial.

    I am a Christian. I am also a sinner and always will be. I know I can’t “earn” my way into heaven. I know I can’t “save” myself (or anyone else for that matter). That is why I believe in Jesus and that he was sent to pay the price for me and save me. Precisely because I can’t do it myeslf through my actions. So please don’t judge a whole religion by a few “bad apples”. God might just tell you he created you to fart…so fart away. It happens!

  • You have inspired me to write an entry on my own blog. I would share the story here but it would be way to long.

    Meanwhile I agree with those who say we have no way of knowing who is going to hell. Granted, since I don’t believe in hell that’s easy for me to say. :-P

  • On the sadnesss:

    I avoid conversations with my grandparents and a certain aunt and uncle of mine because I’m afraid I’ll be a huge disappointment and literally will break their hearts when they find out that the perfect “Christian” girl that grew up in the Bible belt more than 13 years ago, is now an independent-thinking, much more open-minded, wannabe-tree-hugger, liberal, and very hands off about religion because of the scars it left in my adolescent years.

    See you in Hell, perhaps? Dibs on Leonardo DiCaprio if you get George Clooney. I’m sure Leo farts too.

  • KT

    I’m going to hell too- we can be friends there! :-)

  • I love that post!

    My dad had always called “Church People” crazy people when I was growing up but even though he didn’t believe in a God, I still did but that was all I believed in simply because I didn’t go to church to learn about the bible I just heard stories from other kids. The funniest moment I can remember was in grade school, I got into a fight with this boy about what happens when you die and he ended up saying “Oh you and your Jesus Christ!” He was jewish, and I responded to him with “I never met the man but I’ve heard stories and he seems very important and your jealous.” I still laugh about that.
    Another incident, I remember having a substitute teacher in 6th grade and he started the topic of God and he did a lot of preaching while at the time I didn’t know that was what he was doing but I do remember hiding behind some kids head so he wouldn’t call on me and my friend asked me what I was doing and I said, “I’m not going to know any of the answers to his God’s questions.” I remember feeling deeply embarrassed. The next day I told my favorite teacher about it and he turned his face in my direction with the most stern look I”ve ever seen him do and he asked me in an angry tone, “He talked about God?” I think my yes was like a bird chirping. I didn’t know at the time also that God wasn’t to be a topic discussed with the students in school.

    Oh the Funny things we experience when we are not introduced to the bible at a young age.

  • I really enjoyed this post. I think all of the things your friends told you (whether they were 7 or not) is ridic! Everyone has their own beliefs..

  • kmcsaks

    Religion is a messed up thing. Faith is a good thing. People tend to get the two confused and assume that if you have both you’re going to heaven, if you have neither you’re going to hell. Though I’ve never heard farting put in there. (And if that’s the case The Mister and I are going to be spending an eternity in hell.)

    I’d be so pissed about carrying that girl’s hair around after she stopped being your friend. I’d arrange some sort of hair coup.

  • Don’t even get me started on religion!

    I’ll be in Hell too. At least we’ll all have good company :)

  • I love this post.. it really rings true for me. I have to say I completely understand in some ways! I grew up in Utah, and when I was little was told that since I wasn’t active in the LDS (Mormon) Church that I was Catholic, and that meant I was going to Hell. I was like 6. I had no idea what Catholic even meant! Let alone Hell.

    in case you’re wondering – I found your blog through Ashley’s on Writing To Reach You. ;)

  • I could provide you with proof that heaven & hell both do not exist, but i will spare you – you’ve got nothing to worry about sister.

    instead, i will share with you this article:
    http://www.thrfeed.com/2009/01/bart-simpsons-scientology-recording.html

    because i think it’s hilarious. :)

  • Last time I checked, the Bible doesn’t say anything about farting.

    Even though I’m the self-described “Token Jesus Freak of Twentysomething Bloggers,” I try to avoid discussing the Hell issue. I believe Hell exists, but telling people they’re going there doesn’t really bring a lot of people to Christ, y’know?

  • So, just to be clear, does farting mean we’re sending ourselves to hell right then and there? So a little piece of us (our soul?) is on it’s way to hell with every fart? Because that pretty much means that I send myself to hell ALL THE TIME, and even in my sleep. In fact, one might say that one could awaken oneself while sending one’s soul to hell. But I wouldn’t know anything about that.

    By all accounts, if we’re going to hell for each time someone judged us and told us so, I’m going to need to reserve some type of party bus. Or conference center. Or collesieum.

  • unsilentmajority

    We church people can be assholes….fyi.

  • That’s what I always say… that’s where my friends will be drinking anyway!

  • i really wonder how that girl thought farting equaled a trip to hell, haha. that’s definitely a new one.

  • I feel bad for Claire. And Sarah.
    Because clearly they were taught
    crap. Seriously. Um…what?

    I can guarantee God let out
    a fart in his day.

    It is truly amazing what people
    will say. Heaven must be awfully
    lonely if half of what people say
    are true about what gets into
    those pearly gates.

  • LOL @ being judged for farting. This was a great post. I don’t have the answers but I’m pretty sure that the things you listed won’t get you in or keep you out!

  • hysterical…farting = hell… so does pre marital sex mean that you will spontaneously combust?

  • This is like the Piagetian developmental phases of *why we’re going to hell*…from the simple and concrete fart rule to the abstraction of prayer…interesting….and so many comments! i guess i know what my weekend reading will be….

    i could write for a week on ‘things i don’t get about organized religion’…it’s baffling to me….

  • I love the George Clooney part. ha.ha.

    Think the Silver Fox farts? If so. I AM SO THERE! Just sayin.

  • Amy

    They have better music in hell.

  • Ha! been creeping on your blog for a while and this is a great post! I also had a reading partner, Omalade, who caught me picking my nose and said she would tell everyone unless I gave her my lunch every day. After a week of hunger pains i told my dad, he said the best thing to do is beat her to the punch, and tell everyone myself. The next day for show and tell i picked my nose.

    This has nothing to do with hell. I have ADD

  • when i hear that im like “hmm hell, well i was thinking more along the lines of going to the mall or get a haircut, but hell is cool too.” since i dont believe in that comcpet im like peace yo. but dont even get me started on getting kicked out of ccd class….

  • This post made me sad. As someone who believes Christ is my savior (and that I can’t earn my way to heaven–no matter how muchy praying or church going I do), I hate knowing that people so often judge Christ by how Christians (including me) act. Before I was a Christian, Christians were one of my number one arguments against the faith. I had just been “witnessed” at one too many times.

    Anyway, thanks for sharing the different ways we can earn our way into hell:) I’d miss all of this when I read the Bible….

  • Toe

    Ha, ha. If farting and not going to church sends you to hell you can join me there. We’ll have blasphemous margaritas while we curse and fart up a storm.

  • ef

    Just please save a dance for me!

  • MissAnthropy

    Take it from someone who has been damned to hell from MANY, MANY people… that’s where the party is. You’ll have fun down there with us. :-)

  • You know, people like that make my blood boil sometimes. I never got that when I was growing up even though I never went to church etc. The only time I had someone say that was in reference to my friend. A few days after my friend committed suicide a woman came up to me and told me that my friend was going to hell for what she did. I nearly ran her over with my car. MULTIPLE times.

    Personally, i think hell will be much more fun. I think being fed grapes gets old after a while. Fermenting grapes? Now thats fun. Wine all around!

  • Ivy

    lol..i will be in hell right there with you cause i’m pretty sure i caught bf in a dutch oven a time or two…lol

  • kissashark

    I’ve been a lurker for awhile, love your writing, and your stories about the kids in your school. I don’t believe in pretty much anything Christianity has to say and I have done LOADS of reading on all sorts of religions. I follow the Buddhist law to treat all sentient beings as I wish to be treated and I don’t want to go to heaven I want to go on to my next life so I can reach a higher state of enlightenment…organized religion is so full of hypocritical nonsense that when you actually start studying the origins of it all it’s pretty damn funny.

    btw..Billy Joel said it best “I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, the sinners are much more fun”

  • As someone who spent five years as the lone Jewish girl in her Bible Belt middle school, I couldn’t agree more with this.

  • As a Christian

    I believe

    Jesus farted too.

  • This is the newest one. I never knew of this loving connection between farting and hell-fire.
    Beautifully written. =)

  • Anon

    Raised Christian, refused to be baptised (guess what? nobody was ever answering the phone – so to speak – when I prayed), got sick of the “you’re going to hell” bullshit, so I became pagan. Now when somebody gives me that crap, I just point out that Hel is a goddess, and is probably a lot more fun to hang out with than their god-on-a-stick. My God and Goddess get reborn every year, but theirs just stays dead. They leave me alone now….

    Oh, and the local Jehovah’s Witnesses? They come by once or twice a year to talk about cats, not religion! LOL

  • Oh, I could go on for days about the problems I have with religion. But the ridiculousness of all this made me think of this Catholic guy I dated for a while. He told me once that God viewed breaking any one of the Ten Commandments as an equal sin. So, I asked him, “What you’re saying is that telling a lie is equal to murder?” And he said yes. Which made me afraid he was a murderer. Also, he had sex with me. So I guess he was going to hell anyway. Unless he confessed it and said 20 Hail Mary’s. Or something.

  • Yikes…it’s crazy what people believe will send or keep them from hell. I sincerely hope the farting one isn’t true. And if it is, should we ask for God’s forgiveness every time we let one rip?

  • My fiance is going to hell on the express flight if farting equals admission. I never knew one person could be so smelly!

  • عبحليم

    Heaven , Hell ,
    life , death ,
    came , left ,
    found , lost ,
    and Bla , fart , bla .

  • Jen

    This post broke my heart. For the little girls who were living under such legalistic, graceless forms of “Christianity,” for your lost friendships, and for the ways that “the church” has mistreated you. On behalf of messed-up-people-trying-to-follow-Christ, I really apologize. It also breaks my heart how many commenters seem to imagine hell as a big party. It. is. not. going. to. be. fun.

    There is so much misunderstanding out there about what God, heaven, hell, etc. are really like. And there are so many “Christians” who haven’t the first idea what they really believe or how to live it out. I think God weeps about how we are trashing and misrepresenting Him down here. God = love. Everything good and loving comes from Him. He is full of grace and forgiveness and I personally think He made farts funny to us on purpose. But simply being a “good person” doesn’t solve the problem. Please don’t give up on finding the truth, not _a_ truth, but _the_ truth. Books by Josh McDowell or Lee Strobel or other graceful authors explain things beautifully.

  • Hi beautiful, I am laughing out loud at your blog, and praying for the man that you love to be healed which has caused you to stop blogging. I kept reading back further and further on your blog because it makes me giggle and at times, warms my heart. This post broke my heart and I just wanted to tell you that of course you obviously know that farting and not reading the bible will not deem you to hell. I just wanted to clarify *wink* The way to get into that spectacular place called Heaven where we arrive in perfect bodies (I’m thinking we get to pick our age preference and there are photos around of us at our skinniest) is to truly believe that God sent Christ to die for our sins and was raised from the dead. Believe that he existed. Believe that he was risen, and dedicate your life to being more like him for the rest of your life. It’s as simple as that, and the rest, well, he’ll handle that. ;) xo

  • Adhrit

    After reading all this stuff i am so glad being “Hindu”. You can fart, you can be of any color, you can worship God or don’t worship at all, you can be of any gender, any sexuality. Whatever you do and whatever you are, if you are sentient to all living being and you know to love people, you are definitely going to heaven.

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