Despite my love for sparkly prom-like dresses, my willingness to sit through hours of singing and dancing and my **mild appreciation of Wolverine Hugh Jackman, I wasn’t invited to the Oscars this year. AND WORSE YET, I wasn’t even nominated. I have a ridiculous vlog saved somewhere on my computer, I thought just making it would have been enough to secure a nomination, but no. If I would have vlogged about Slumdog Millionaire I would have got nominated. Man. I bet if I would have just looked directly into the camera and said “SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE!” I would have at least won AT LEAST two awards, Elton and I would have had a duet and Mickey Rourke would have asked for my number. Damn.
So, the thank you speech I had prepared was going to go to waste when I thought to myself “Self! Blog that! GD woman, don’t waste a great speech! Share it with the world!“. So here it is. My general, “thank you world” speech.
First of all, let’s give a shout out to whoever runs things upstairs. Well done on Obama by the way. Parents, thanks for lying to me about Santa and the Easter Bunny until it was unhealthy for me to STILL believe and then having my peers laugh at me and tell me the truth. That was definitely a traumatic character building moment in my life, a moment that assisted me later in life with my CRAFT. Also? Thanks for cutting the crusts off my sandwiches, using a hammer and nails to build me forts in the house with blankets (that really was more my dad, my mom just about went into a seizure when she saw the holes in the wall) and putting calamine lotion on me when the chicken pox were eating me alive. To my dear brother? Now our parents really will love me more.
To my “real life” friends, thanks for answering the 3 am calls where I question my sanity, the 2pm Starbuck meet ups where I kicked your asses at Scrabble, for waiting patiently while I attempted the LC braid before a night out. And mostly? Thanks for loving me despite all the reasons it would be easy not to. (Like, the trash talking involved in Scrabble. And the fact that if you called me on November 4th, I hung up on you).
To Ikea, for being the only place I can get a good handle on some lingonberry while buying a $9 lamp. To Sephora, for always taking all my money while simultaneously causing me to believe my life will be worthless if I don’t own a $36 tube of mascara. (At least you have free samples, hear that Ikea? Lingonberry to go. GET ON THAT). Also? Thanks to Susan Juby for writing the funniest book alive, ” Alice, I think”, and to Carly Rae Jespen, for writing an addictive pop song with a heavy emphasis on co-dependent behavior.
To Miss Brookem, who puts up with my horrible ability to stay in contact and still writes me the most lovely emails. And Sara who graciously hands out her heart in each post she writes. To Kyla Bea, (who has an amazing blog) who let’s me be a creeper and talk to her about apple slicers, and wishcake (who is cuter than a baby panda in a tutu) and who writes posts that make me feel like the world is better than I imagine it sometimes is.
To Beth who has made me laugh out loud while hating my job and Miss Renee, who has promised me a job running her election campaign. I will be the blonde, female, Canadian version of Josh Lyman. Be prepared world.
To Egan, who has shown me that parenthood has far more blessings that burdens, Laurie who lets me send her emails that are fueled by RED BULL (okay, she doesn’t really ‘let me‘, I sort of just started doing it. But still. She hasn’t blocked me, so that counts for something right?), Maxie who manages to gross me out with her ‘would you rather’ question every week, and Matt who talks to me about unicorns football , movies starring Tom Hanks drinking and how awesome I am.
And to all of you who voted for me back in January, allowing me to win these two lovely awards. One day, when technology is more friend than foe, these awards will be on my sidebar. Until then know that I appreciate them, you and Ikea with all my heart.
If you won an Oscar, who would you thank?
* That whole Oscar thing is a complete lie. I know. I had you fooled. See? That is what acting IS my friends, I’ve mesmerized you with my ability to transform myself through MY CRAFT. Okay I need to quit attempting to act like J. Phoenix. The idea of a “thank you” post was actually inspired by Miss Lovely.
** mild appreciation= I want to touch him. And use his abdominals as a pillow while he feeds me grapes. And then he can read me the phone book in that disarmingly sexy accent.