Sometimes I think about writing a book. Not a thoughtful novel filled with witty characters with irritatingly unique names like March or Shark or Journey. Not a thin book of essays detailing the true bizarre greatness of my family, an ode to Sedaris genius in less than 200 pages. Not even an easy page turner about single girls who wear expensive shoes and find love only after they’ve publicly humiliated themselves or spent time in a Thai prison. No, I think about writing an instruction manual. For life.
It would start off like this:
Chapter 1: BE KIND
This chapter would be one page long. It would have this quote
“Hello, babies. Welcome to Earth. It’s hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It’s round and wet and crowded. At the outside, babies, you’ve got about a hundred years here. There’s only one rule that I know of, babies—God damn it, you’ve got to be kind.”- Kurt Vonnegut
And at the bottom would be a picture of me giving you the thumbs up. Because I mean, what else can someone SAY after Kurt drops that sort of knowledge down on you?
Chapter 2: SAY YES
Clearly I’d have to think of more stuff to say after sharing Kurt’s wisdom. Even I realize a book with only one page in it probably won’t sell a lot of copies. Well, maybe if it had a picture of a shirtless Joshua Jackson holding a puppy and at the bottom there was an amazing recipe for raspberry tarts. Sigh a girl can dream. Anyway, I would need more chapters. In this chapter I’d go into agonizing detail describing every regret I ever had. All of them involving me saying NO when I should have said YES. Like missing a free concert in Rome, turning down the date in high school with the guy who made me feel so good it should have been illegal, not eating that second piece of peach pie that I still think about 14 years later. I’d tie all this up with a bow and tell you some amazing espn turning point confession about only regretting the things I didn’t do and maybe throw in some revolutionary quip about seizing the day.
Then, in tiny font at the bottom I’d list the exceptions- the things you should always say NO to. These would be: marrying someone with a mullet (this applies to both males and females), stripping to pay for a trip to Niagara Falls (Although, I’d condone lap dances to fund a trip to Newfoundland) and attempting to liquify bacon so you could smear it on sandwiches.
Chapter 3: FIND SOME MUSIC
I’m pretty sure by this point in the book I should be talking about the role of friends or family or religion or something but you know what? If this book is going to change the world, it’s going to have to break the mold and be different. In this chapter I’d list songs that everyone should listen to at least once. Because music makes people happier. And if you disagree, maybe you should try to listen to this song and keep your frown. It will be impossible. (I may be biased, this song was the soundtrack to my university life and thus I associate it with cheap beer, cute guys and a flush bank account, thanks student loans!). And at the end of the chapter, I’d make a note of how you could send me a mixtape. Sending me one would show that you’ve read the first chapter, plus it would expand my music collection. Win-win.
I’m going to need more than three chapters obviously but I think it’s off to a roaring start.
Ahhh! I’m NEVER first. YESSS!!!
Write it. I will read it, and then give it away on my blog!
Music changes my day. I would be lost without it.
PS- Did I mention that in the last 3 days I’ve played LOVE LOVE LOVE 57 times thanks to you!
mix tapes that are done well are tremendous things.
fortunately for me, i make excellent ones.
“marrying someone with a mullet”
GOOD CALL.
i think the book should have the link to that you tube video and that’s it. because after you hear the song “hey baby” there is nothing else to live for :)
I’m on overload here: “March or Shark or Journey” equals me laughing my ass off right now. Also, liquifying bacon so you could smear it on sandwiches. Oh my. I’d never have even thought of a thing, but I know someone who will immediately debate whether or not this is a viable and *good* thing to do with bacon. Hilarious.
I think this post needs a part two with additional chapters! :)
attempting to liquify bacon so you could smear it on sandwiches
Are you serious? You put this in the “no” column? This seems like a definite YES to me.
All I have to say is thank god my boyfriend shaves his head because he’s going bald.
Please write this soon as I would like to read it! :)
I would definitely buy your book!! I have actually been thinking for a long time you would write of of a hell of a funny book!!!!
Write it soon!!!! :)
Love the book concept, not too sure about the music choice though – to me, that song is overweight gymnastics judges dancing. It was the marching music at every single gym competition I ever went to since its release, mainly because the judges had put together a dance routine at some judges’ retreat weekend.
You should definitely write that book if it includes great inventions like that and get back to me ;P
You had to have Kurt Vonnegut in the very beginning. Sigh. So it goes.
First I would most definitely read your book. Even if it was just reading bits at Barnes & Noble until I finished.
As for your bit about music, I had never heard of this song before today. But that doesn’t me from dancing to it, it really is just a happy song in general.
Kurt rules. Every time I forget, someone is there to remind me – so thanks for being that person today.
And music… I mean… as a musician (albeit a nerdy classical one), I love that music makes people happy.
Student loans. Sigh. I miss ‘em.
Write a book. It’s fun!!
Also, I just sent you a (link to download a) crapload of new music.
Hi ho.
(If you haven’t read slapstick yet, do it)
I’d definitely read your book… and I agree that we should get a sneak peak here with more chapters. Bring it on!
Did u just ask us all to send you a mixtape? Your tricky.
I think you’re on to something here. Begin writing. Immediately. I am making my mixtape. Do you still have a tape player??
Awesome! Can’t wait to see what the rest of the chapters are!
1. I read slaughterhouse five and actually kind of hated it. Plus he’s wrong about the whole winters being cold thing… especially if the babies lived in hawaii or miami.
2. I totally agree, if girls said YES more than they said NO, the world would be a far, far, better place.
3. Dont you owe me a mixtape? I’m pretty sure you do for something awesome I have done lately.
anyway, this comment got long. I gotta go now.
1. Absolutely phenomenal quote.
2. Liquid bacon- has potential.
3. I will be more than happy to send you a mix tape- email me your address. ;)
xo
id buy it.
and what about our book, cookie?
what were we going to call it? “crazy hot sexy messes” or something?
i’d buy us.
I’d buy your book AND bump it up to the very top of my to-be read list (as long as its release doesn’t conflict with the release of Jen Lancaster’s new book).
Mullets are an excellent point.
Could you possibly add a chapter about do’s and don’ts while living with your Ex? That would be awesome. Thanks :)
I would LOVE to buy this book . . . it sounds AWESOME! Hurry, go write it . . . I’ll wait :)
I would TOTALLY buy that book with Joshua Jackson, the puppy and the recipe
Chapter Four:
keep things simple (see embedded video from chapter 3- fun, chipper and simple)
Chapter Five:
Forgive (like LC for doing season 5…say no mo’)
that video made me smile. Thanks.
You are tapping into an awful lot of wisdom lately! Please send more.
God I love Vonnegut
Chapter 4: Driver’s Ed Wasn’t A Suggestion
I adore Vonnegut. No one quite gets it like he does.
I want to write a self-help/dating book with the same sort of layout.
Chapter 1: Stop Reading Self-Help and Dating Books.
Chapter 2: Don’t Talk To Strangers Only Applies If You’re Underage
Chapter 3: “Hi”: The Best Pick Up Line You’ll Ever Need
I guess I’m in wanting to read more about the whole desperate single girl wearing nice shoes while imprisoned in Thailand thingie? Sounds hot.
:)
alone…. I guess I’m alone. Le sigh.
I love it.
this book sounds like a brilliant idea to me :)
Your video makes me smile but this is the song that gives me all sorts of warm fuzzies: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d4FM2_t3ALo
along with never marrying someone with a mullet….
never marry someone that doesn’t have a lot of teach. unless they are a hot, hot hockey player. ’cause in that case, i’ll allow it!
I’m a little bummed there’s no picture on this post of you with the big smile and thumbs up. Hope I can pre-order on Amazon…
I’m sorry, did you say liquid bacon?
I would buy your book in a heartbeat.
I’d buy an advanced copy on Amazon!
I’d totally read your book.Obviously.