Maybe you meet in a coffee shop- no, of course you don’t, who ever meets in a coffee shop? Maybe you meet in a crowded pub when his beer splashes your arm and as you wipe it dry you rack your brain thinking of all the clever things you always wanted to say if you were ever to meet a boy like this. Or maybe you meet through friends or online or maybe you meet at work- and through a handful of casual conversations discussing weekend plans and the weather you decide you like this boy.
However it happens, you meet.
You have all those conversations that you suspect no one else ever has. A thousand inside jokes are born, a million stories are filed away, kept safe for you to bring up and reference later just to show this person that you remember everything they’ve told you. That you feel all their stories are valuable enough to keep forever- worthy of you shoving aside room in your already crowded head for the memories they hold dear. You remember the name of his favourite school teacher, you laugh as he tells you stories of himself as a child and while driving to work you find yourself humming the tune he said he’d play outside your window.
It’s easy, at first. The jokes, the stories, the late nights discussing everything your mind touches. No topic is left untouched, no opinion is not worth sharing. You sometimes feel empty- not as though you are less but as though you’ve shared everything you could and it feels wonderful.
Of course you are amazed that someone feels the same way. You are surprised by their thoughtful gestures, their words, the way they remember what kind of flowers you like. The stories they save to tell you, the way they know exactly what words will save you when you are upset, the letter they write to principals of the world demanding they hire you when you admit you are scared you will never get a job. You are surprised by it all- each action, each word more than anything you ever could have admitted wanting. And although there’s a multitude of factors involved that are less than perfect, you find yourself marveling at how perfect your world is.
Time goes by. Quirks become less endearing, words have double meaning, reality fills in the cracks, you go to bed angry. You go to bed sad. Not only because you are seeing that it’s not as easy as it once was- but because you discover there are times neither of you are willing to back down, neither of you are willing to stop something that’s started, to call a time out and wait until cooler heads prevail. You are sad to realize that there are times when you would both rather be right than happy. And you are heartbroken to discover that perhaps what you want isn’t the same thing at all.
And what worries you isn’t the fight at hand or the heartbreak that you currently feel, it’s the idea of someone who has become so important to you ever leaving. You know that such thoughts make you sound crazy, like the girl you vowed you’d never be but you play games where you lift him out of your life and see where the empty gaps are and suddenly you realize how much this person adds to your world- and how different it would be if they were gone. Of course you know you would survive without them but it’s the idea that you don’t want them to go, that with a clear realization of how dramatic it all sounds- that you are happier with them than without, which keeps you up at night.
So you are left with a choice, you are always left with a choice. You can choose to accept this person as they are- in any form you can have them, without conditions or restraints even if it means it’s less than what you hoped for or you can not have them at all and live in a world that’s a little more grey. And so you choose them. Of course, you choose them. There may not be a fairy tale ending, your heartbreak might engulf you for a time- but you will crawl out of all of it with a good friend beside you who will remind you of how perfect your world can be, even if only for a little while.
And that is how it works.
Or, you take a huge leap of faith that maybe there is someone out there who makes you happier. Who doesn’t cause you to go to bed angry or sad. And it’s really scary – because you have to be alone for awhile before you meet him. But when he arrives, he is so much more than worth the wait. And then you question why you waited so long to lose the last one. Why you let yourself settle – when maybe all along you could have been enjoying time with the man of your dreams.
You never know what’s ahead. You just have to be willing to take a chance.
Always a bad idea to settle because a lot of worse things will happen along the way.
There’s someone out there who wouldn’t let you go to bed angry or sad, that actually works things out with you and always makes sure to tell you he loves you. And more importantly makes you happy.
Don’t settle. Not worth it.
Could you be in any more clever? And I don’t think it’s settling. It’s realising that life is fare better with than without.
Oh, so that’s how it works.
I can’t wait…
Sorry, *far
Uh, yes. That choice is what makes it all so special, because it’s easy to go out and seek that newness again. Newness is fun, but it isn’t what the most important.
This post makes me feel so many emotions all at once. Thanks for that, because being a girl is hard work. Oh, and I never told you, but I’m gluten intolerant (so far) at a pretty mild level, which just makes me have a weird choking experience and lots of stomach aches and bathroom sessions (TMI? Hmmm). How you do it, I’ll never know.
This post made me cry.
Yes, this is exactly how it works until we find what is right. I’m still waiting.
Depending on how much less than what you’d hoped for…maybe you keep going to bed sad. You lie next to them crying while they sleep, because they think this is what they want, and you are slowly realizing that you can’t accept the status quo any longer. You can’t stand it. You slowly extricate yourself, crying still, every night, in your new bed, in your new place, because you can’t lose him as a person in your life. But you live, and you live. You kick yourself for forgetting your friends for two years. You do all the activities that he would never do with you. No one is arguing with you. No one is holding their approval over your head. No one is having lackluster sex with you. You are yourself, you are full and beautiful, and…happy. Even though he’s gone. Even though you have happy memories of him, you find that your life isn’t anything less without him. And in another year you can’t imagine what it would like to be with him again, and how on earth you lived that life for so long.
In other words, I’m still hoping the right person means a relationship that matures into a different love than the new exciting love in the beginning, where what’s different than what you hoped for doesn’t mean less, and without the heartbreak, because staying with them isn’t turning your back on a greyer option, but not a thought at all.
This is such a great post, Brandy! Hope you made the right choice for you! ::hugs::
beautiful, brandy. and i agree — making this decision doesn’t mean settling. it’s heartbreaking to not have someone in the capacity you want them, but the heartache lessens, and hopefully you end up with a great friend. : )
Joni Mitchell “Both Sides Now”, kinda epitomizes what you so beautifully summarized. Check it out.
:-) I love this post! Thank you!
It happens VERY infrequently, but sometimes someone creates a perfect blog post.
This is one.
I’m with Peter.
Yep. Thats how it works.
I’m with Peter. This was lovely, and I can’t quite decide how I feel yet. Though you are spot on with the description of the beginning of a relationship and where it can go and all of that.
Whatever it is that’s going on, good luck figuring out the right thing for you.
I think a lot of the women out there who are constantly complaining about being love-sick need to read this. Sometimes we set such high standards for ourselves – fairy tales, really – that we fail to see that we are happy overall with this guy who sometimes makes us go to bed angry and sad. Because let’s be honest – no matter how perfect the guy? There’s always going to be a night or two where you go to bed angry or sad. Sometimes it’s best for both parties to do this. Trust me, I know this from 10 years of experience.
Aw, miss. This is so beautiful.
Part of realizing that your boy isn’t perfect is also about realizing that you’re not perfect and working towards a middle ground for both of you. As long as you’re happy over all, you’re kind to each other, and the things that upset you are easily forgotten or can be learned from then you’re on the right path. Beautifully written.
I didn’t see this post as settling, I saw it as accepting someone else for who they really are – flaws and all. None of us are perfect, and as much as we can create lists of what qualities the “perfect guy (or girl)” will have… no one will ever match that.
So it’s finding someone that is perfect for you. That fits with you. That says the right things at the right time when you need them to without you asking for it. It’s someone that you will fight with because you both have strong opinions, but you don’t have to get to the point where you tell him to sleep on the couch.
It’s finding someone that you know that at the end of the day, you want to fall asleep next to. Or it’s their voice you want to hear before you fall asleep. It’s the person you want to tell your stories to. It’s the person that you still want to gush about a year or two or ten down the road because that means you are still being romantic and showing each other how much you love and care for each other, no matter how much time has passed.
Beautiful post. I loved it.
I have my own personal feelings on all this and I wrote them all out but you know what? They don’t matter because at the end of the day, this post was gorgeous and so emotionally raw. I loved every word of it and its something we all can relate to. I hope you figure out whatever you are going through. Xoxo
Like many people, I’m not a fan of settling. But there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. There will be flaws. If relationships never have conflict or problems? Then I don’t think any real passion exists. No one is going to agree on everything. That would be boring as f*ck.
Just don’t settle….
I have just recently started following your blog. It is now on the main page of my igoogle account. and I have to say… this post gave me goosebumps… in a good way :)
love is such a complicated, beautiful thing
This post was amazing.
After spending 4 years being a ‘nothing’ and settling, I made a vow never to settle again.
But everyone knows their own limits and what makes them happy.
So pretty!
And, I too felt that this was a post more about falling in love than settling.
I loved this.
I do think no one is perfect, ever…and to hope for as much is foolish. But, but, but but…one should never settle.
This was amazing, so spot on, so very apt.
That was really well said and I sincerely hope you never have to settle or feel that you have, you’re an amazing woman and you deserve someone equally awesome. Its a really hard lesson to learn but its important to accept and love someone for who they are rather than who you want them to be and trying to make them be that person.
Oh…we met in a coffee shop. In the line up.
I’m so confused!!!
Are we -
a) supposed to dump the guy with whom we share this once-magical-now-mediocre relationship and look for that true love that sweeps us off our feet and carries us off into the proverbial sunset; or
b) supposed to recognize that all great loves eventually reach this understood comfort zone where you learn to put up with occasional moments of non-bliss because you have found your true partner in life?
Which is it?
I wish I knew. I’m in this type of relationship now (option b), and I feel like there should be one right answer. My gut, head and heart are all telling me to stick it out with this guy, because – despite our no-longer-fairytale-romance – I love him dearly, his world matters to me as much as or more than my own world, and I feel “right” with him and “wrong” without him.
Both he and I struggle with what our relationship is “supposed to be.” Is it okay that we barely have sex anymore? That our date nights involve take out Thai food and Internvention on TV? That we do’t have any definitive plan for a future together? That we spend as much time apart, doing our individual things as we do together, doing together-y things?
Is our relationship healthy or diseased – or is it in the eye of beholder?
Why can’t someone write a manual?
That is exactly how it works. And I see that some commenters above feel that it’s not, that if you have to make that choice it means that person is not right for you. They obviously have never been in love. They have the “ideal” of love. The sitcom love situation. I posted about this before. They make me feel like my relationship is less somehow. But it’s not and I make that choice every day. That’s what being married or being in a committed relationship means. It means you take the good with the bad. I hope there is more good than bad for you. Thanks for sharing.
One of the best posts the Internet has ever seen.
There is a big difference between settling and accepting people as they are–with faults. No one person is going to be perfect. You can only hope that you find the person that challenges you and is there for you and wants to do both with vim and vigor. That’s right…vim and vigor.
Settling is just accepting anything because you are too lazy, scared or some other form of anxious about not moving forward.
I LOVE this post. I think everyone has felt like that at some point. Thank you for posting it!!
I think it best that I keep my thoughts on this post squarely inside my own head…
For the people who think this is settling: good luck finding the person who never irritates you, who never disagrees or argues with you, who never ever makes you feel (on occasion) sad…and who always makes you feel as giddy and happy as he did for the first six months you were together. I think you’ll be looking a long, long time (for the rest of your life, to be certain), and you’ll end up walking away from a lot of really wonderful people because you were too busy looking for perfection than a flesh and blood human being.
I think there is a big difference between settling and simply learning to live with someone you love who, no matter how much you love him/her or vice versa, is still his/her own person. I think you just have to figure it out for yourself, though.
My initial reaction to this post was very simple: Yes.
I read this this morning when I was at work and so wanted to comment on it then but I can’t get into wordpress (damn office computer crap). Because it just summed up everything I spend my life thinking about. But so much more eloquently…
Huge difference between accepting someone as human and flawed and settling for someone who doesn’t meet your needs for love.
If you wait around for someone who always makes you happy, you will wait until you die. And that’s no way to live.
We learn the most about ourselves from our reactions to others. Choosing compassion and forgiveness are trickier and harder than saying fuck it, I’m leaving.
Great post.
THe feeling you get at first – goes away quickly. What stays – happiness, friendship, love. But it can never be “the way it was”. It’s totally not settling. It’s reality. I’m 11 years into my marriage and I wouldn’t change it for anything. You take a few flaws b/c we’re all flawed.
The quirks become less endearing, but you learn to love them for their not-so-endearing quirks. You don’t get annoyed that she never shuts drawers. You laugh at how ridiculous it is that a 24 year old lacks some brain function that allows her to do so. You shut them for her, and after the heavy sigh, you smile because you love her, and therefore, the open drawers are cute.
You also fight. You didn’t fight at first but you live together now and sometimes you want to stand your ground, and make sure she damn well knows you aren’t happy about her making a mess of the kitchen before friends arrive. You argue about some ridiculous things, but you don’t leave. You apologize quickly, sincerely – usually with a tickle fight, and you promise it’ll never happen again. It does happen again, the little battles, but the apologies follow right behind, as does the laughter.
It isn’t settling. It’s growing.
Well doesn’t that just touch close to home? That was well written, and I loved it, can we get married.
I joke.
Not really.
Hi! I’ve been a reader for about a year and a half now and I really like your blogs. This one definitely touched my heart. Thank you!
thank you.
i think i needed that. sometimes, i’m too much of a dreamer…
You have a gift of words and I agree with every one of them. Beautiful post! I think this is exactly how it is. It always starts out great…the ultimate love story…but the true test of the realtionship is if you want to stay together after all the newness is gone. Relationships are not perfect…if you don’t fight or get sad then I don’t think people are being true to their feelings. In the end..you choose who you want to be your partner in life throught the good times and the bad. You choose…
Brandy…
That was beautiful, awesome, profound, truth. This post represents all the thoughts that have been rolling around in my head for years. I am happier, better, healthier with him in my life. I know I’ll never have that newness again. But I have something more than newness, I have forever. That’s not settling.
wow. very well said.
I had a little smile on my face reading this; then an expression of sadness, and then – a smile again. Choices. Mmmmmagic.
Well said.
I think this happens in many relationships. If people keep jumping out when a relationship gets to this point because there must be something better, they might never experience what happens once you DO get over these bumps.
The grass is always greener.
I think too many times, people jump into relationships with unreal expectations of how things are supposed to end up after the honeymoon period. Why are his quirks now suddenly annoying? Sure, it might be that they aren’t the right fit. It might also be that you’re so comfortable and trusting with one another that you feel comfortable behaving that way in front of one another.
It’s pretty easy to fall in love, isn’t it? But after you fall in love, (and if you choose to go down the ‘forever’ route), people forget that they’re making a choice – you CHOOSE to love the other person (because you know the newness will wear off). If you DON’T make that choice, you’re liable to wind up seeing the grass greener somewhere else, going through the amazement and wonder of the butterflies, and winding up in the same place of being un-content in the future when things don’t wind up that way forever.
I agree with Michelle – the newness is great. The adjusting can be tough. But the forever is better, and that’s not settling.
I speak from experienced, as a divorcee who thought the first marriage was supposed to just ‘work’ because we fell madly in love with each other. He thought the same as well (“We’re married now. Why do we have to work at this so much?”) I’m not remarried and went into this with a totally different outlook. I saw the wedding as the beginning of the hard work, not the end.
And sometimes you choose to keep them. And sometimes they don’t choose to keep you. And you stay anyway. And they find someone new. And tell you about it.
And then you cry yourself to sleep, thinking about him and her and not you.
This is how it works for me.
This makes me want to hug you and then ask you lots and lots of questions.
That actually is…the way it works.
you got so many different perspectives on this post. some thinking this, how this works= settling, and some thinking that it’s all just part of life.
what stuck with me is your profound and articulate writing (as always), and the ever relatable aspect to it all. i found myself nodding at so much of it.
thanks for writing what so many of of us “get,” but likely wouldn’t be able to put into such an eloquent summary.
and I thought that was just my life…. good to know it’s the way it is. I think….
Interesting theory, not one that I am agreeing to, but have seen often amongst friends as well as on this seasons “Bachelorette”. If it weren’t for the hotness, I wouldn’t watch- swear!
Oh, hello. I see you’ve taken up residence in my brain. Wow. This almost perfectly describes my relationship with my now best friend (former boyfriend). And we are so, so much better as friends than we were as a couple, but there’s always a little heartbreak every time I see him, anyway.
“Or, you take a huge leap of faith that maybe there is someone out there who makes you happier. Who doesn’t cause you to go to bed angry or sad. And it’s really scary – because you have to be alone for awhile before you meet him. But when he arrives, he is so much more than worth the wait. And then you question why you waited so long to lose the last one. Why you let yourself settle – when maybe all along you could have been enjoying time with the man of your dreams.”
I hope that’s true, because I, too, did not choose to accept things as they were. And not because things weren’t good – just because they weren’t perfect. And I’m still wondering whether I made the right choice.
This was beautifully written.
Today I’m choosing a better life, a more complete life. One where I am less afraid of losing and more afraid of being too afraid to stand up for myself, to like myself and believe I deserve better than what I’ve been offered.
So beautiful, and such a perfect thing for me to read today. I think I’m going to print this out and give it to a friend who needs it. And maybe print out a copy for myself too.
so perfect
When you are 50 and have been married for 20 years… write another blog and then come back to this one…
What is life and love without ups and downs… it’s not settling, it’s reality…
It’s worth going to bed mad when you know deep down in your heart even though you hate him at this moment, that he will still be there in the morning…
That’s what I have learned…
[...] This blog post (not written by me) made my heart sink, and I think it’ll make yours as well. [...]