I knew a guy once who had the annoying habit of cracking his knuckles before sleep. It drove me INSANE. Nothing is more unsettling than drifting off and being awakened by a large CRACK!, followed by nine more CRACKS! . (Well, of course there are things more unsettling than this but it really does make my top five- sandwiched in between being woken up by someone staring at you and finding out that your ex-boyfriend used to masturbate to your grade 9 graduation photo. Bullet? Dodged.).
So, I did what any girl who loves sleep more than she should- I told this charming man that his nightly knuckle routine was driving me INSANE and that I couldn’t sleep in the same bed with him if he kept doing it every single night. And as I was smugly wrapping up my ultimatum, he calmly told me that if that was the case, he didn’t want to sleep in the same bed as me, if I kept up my habit of making all parties get out of bed if the fitted sheet came off , so I could fix it. (I know. I’m a weirdo, but seriously, I can’t sleep without the sheet on!). I realized then that neither of us was perfect and that instead of being a flawless human (as I assumed I was), I was just with someone who had accepted my flaws. So we made a deal- our quirks would cancel each other out (and I would invest in earplugs).
There are some things that I can overlook, learn to accept or just cancel out when I compare them with my own flaws. Things like knuckle cracking, or crying more than me during movies or owning a lot of plaid clothing. I can get over white lies and temper flareups and men who are prettier than me. And there are some things I struggle with. The heartbreakers- or as most people call them, the dealbreakers.
I think I’ve always called them the heartbreakers because they are really are the things that break my heart. Often when a heartbreaker ocurrs- I wish I could do something to change the situation but certain words and actions just simply, leave me feeling cold. It’s not intentional or malicious- but it happens just the same. And it breaks my heart, every single time.
I once had a charming fellow tell me all sorts of charming things that every girl would love to hear. It was the kind of stuff straight from the movies- minus the cheesy lines and sweeping soundtrack. It was roughly 893 shades of awesome- and before I could declare his awesomeness to him, I realized he was saying the same thing to all the girls. Pretty much word for word. And although he was still charming and delightful- knowing he was insincere left me wondering what else he was insincere about. He apologized in very clever and funny ways but knowing that he- someone who valued originality, was passing out the same lines to all his admirers- made me view him differently afterwards and he lost many shades of his awesome.
Insincerity will always be a heartbreaker to me. I guess because I don’t like feeling like I’m special to someone and then finding out I’m not. It hurts my colossal ego. Not believing in global warming is another heartbreaker. If Josh Lyman showed up in a speedo, declaring his love and being all awesome but didn’t believe in global warming? I’d pass. Ditto dudes who aren’t nice to their moms. And mullets. Sweet mother, a mullet will always be a relationship ender. (IF THIS MAKES ME SHALLOW, I’M OKAY WITH IT). Also? There’s a whole area of US political views that can be classified as heartbreakers but let’s save something controversial for a day I’m eager to get hate mail.
Tell me, what are your heartbreakers?
Politics of course. But also, Jesus freaks = deal breakers. Guys who love big dogs = deal breakers. Guys who drink girlier drinks than me = deal breakers. Guys who like baseball more than football = deal breakers. Bad grammar = deal breaker. I can handle Signor Fartsalot. I can’t handle Signor Excessive-Use-of-the-Apostrophe.
1. Political views are TOTALLY a heartbreaker (deal breaker as I call them). Obama is my man…
2. Black tennis shoes – you’re out. Sorry.
3. You comb all of your hair back? Again, gone.
4. Disrespectful to women? Buh Bye.
But your knuckle cracking just made me want to crack my knuckles.
And we bought the best sheets EVER this summer. They NEVER come up – EVER! I forget what they’re called but if you remind me when I’m not brain dead, I’ll look them up for you!
p.s. Patiently awaiting the money you’re sending me to love you more than all others. Otherwise, I have a list….
I can’t sleep without a sheet on either!! I flip out and make my fiancé jump out of bed right away so I can fix it too.
Insincerity is always a deal breaker to me too. Guys with poor hygiene-dealbreaker. Same goes for guys who drink or smoke more than casually.
Some of my dealbreakers:
bad teeth
bad hygiene
Star Trek/Star Wars etc.
rude to waitresses/waiters
being obsessed with me/liking me more than i could ever like him
major ego
and- HAVING ‘DATING FOR DUMMIES’ AND REFERENCING IT FOR EVERYTHING IN OUR “RELATIONSHIP” (true story).
I agree with being nice to their mom, NO mullets for any reason. You wouldn’t believe how I see living in Texas, if you don’t believe in Global Warming – you’re just downright ridiculous, and making me feel special through sincerity is a total must.
Thanks for the Twofer!
Bad teeth.
Rudeness.
Alcoholism (true story)
Enjoying Will Farrell movies.
All are heartbreaker/dealbreakers for me
Deal Breakers:
* Making me feel stupid.
* Doesn’t like camping/hiking.
* Rushes me when I’m in a bookstore.
Deal Makers:
* Can make me laugh.
* Intelligence.
* Travels.
mullets for sure
bad attitude to customer service people
insincerity
bad grammar
vulgar “humor”
unwillingness to learn new things, try new things or grow in any way
Bad tippers (seriously, I will always sneak a peek at that credit card slip on a first date, and if it’s less than 15%, there won’t be a second. That’s just ignorance) … and otherwise being in any way clueless about how to properly treat anyone in a service profession… I don’t care if it’s a waitress, a cleaning lady, a bank teller, a toll-taker, a receptionist, or the girl behind the counter at Dunkin Donuts… speak to them like they’re a human being and you’ll get my respect.
Oh yeah, and people who reply to online personal ads using nothing my “txt tlk”… ugh. They’ll never get a response from me if they can’t take the time to type the whole word “you.”
Socks with sandals, or mandals at all, for that matter. -Being rude to a waiter or other service industry person. -No current mullets, though indiscretions of the past can be forgiven. -BSing (not the good kind). -Making insincere comments about me or us. -Making sincere comments about what I eat or the size of my ass. -Substance abuse issues. -Issues with the law. -Feeling no need to be a contributing member of society, in some way or another. -Having anything but disgust for Rush Limbaugh. -Doesn’t like animals and/or kids.
Sheesh, I’d better stop.
Also, I’m with you on the sheets being in place. Unless, of course, there’s a damn good reason for it.
If you won’t hold my hand in public. It killed me. *sigh* And, if you ever use the phrase (in absolute sincerity) “Sex is not a weapon”. Kill me now.
Bad tipper in restaurants. Not independent/used to his mom doing everything for him. Doesn’t vote.
Um, I LOVE your tags.
Dealbreakers? Hm, I agree with that ‘won’t hold my hand in public’ thing. I mean, COME ON.
And I’m starting to question a couple of other things that are becoming more and more personal and more important to me, but I’m not quite ready to commit to the ‘breaker’ part just yet.
I am SO there with the sheet. And mullets? Should be outlawed. (Unless, of course, you’re at the fair, and in that case, round ‘em up like carnies and go on a good old fashioned mullet hunt!)
If he wants kids, that’s a dealbreaker for me.
Flirts openly with other women right in front of me – not havin’ it.
Doesn’t at least TOLERATE animals – won’t work out.
I’ve never been with someone who could really stand their mother.
Make comments about my weight? Listen, I’ve looked like this since High School, I don’t want ridicule or lectures. If you want a thin woman, please go find her.
If I EVER find a man who will clean the bathroom without me having to beg, there are many, many flaws I’d overlook for that one trait.
*Pop*
*Pop*
*Pop*
Do you hear that? It’s the sound of my boyfriend popping his gum while driving the car.
“MOTHERFUCKINGSHITBALLSCOCKSUCKER.”
Did you hear THAT? That’s the sound of me absolutely losing it after hearing him pop his gum incessantly after I calmly asked him many times to stop.
Our relationship has almost ended once because of his gum popping. Seriously.
(PS You stole this post right outta my head! I was thinking the other day about writing a similar one and I am happy to see I am not alone in my dealbreakers.)
(But boys prettier than me? That may be a dealbreaker for me.)
you live on the other side of the same continent as i do. i also really don’t have any idea what you look like. but i have such a crush on you.
They really are heartbreakers. =(
“Insincerity will always be a heartbreaker to me. I guess because I don’t like feeling like I’m special to someone and then finding out I’m not. It hurts my colossal ego. ”
>>It’s like you stole the words right outta my mouth, sister.
Deal breakers:
Men who ARE NOT Jesus freaks.
Men who do drugs or alcohol.
Men who cuss every fifth word.
Men who don’t treat women or their mother nicely.
Men who don’t have a passion or direction in life.
Men who don’t have a sense of humor.
Men who judge me.
Men who like other men.
That is all.
I have pretty shallow deal breakers too :
If men can’t dress himself all the time, like wearing t shirt to a club thing, I could really flipped out.
More serious one would be if a man thinks what you like is stupid and can’t be openminded about it. I’ve encountered a few : thinking my liking to hiphop music is weird, thinking the movies I like are bad and just say them to me bluntly.I’m not into that.
Not having an open mind. Not trying new things. Not holding my hand in public as well. WTF?
Men who think it’s not manly to show love to their women/daughters/moms/sisters. Just kind of pathetic.
It used to be men who use ellipticals at the gym, but now I’m madly in love with one of those- I just don’t ever want to see it.
OK. True story time:
My ex (whom I was engaged to at the time) and I were having a conversation about sex while we were drinking alcoholic beverages at a Dave & Busters one night.
We started talking about how it wasn’t happening anymore. How we should make more time for it… then she dropped a fucking bomb on me and said in her ideal world, we would only have sex once a week.
Ouch. We ending up breaking up due to her infidelities which I found wildly ironic but I can’t say that sex wasn’t a huge dealbreaker for us. I mean, she was so boring- I wont give details in this comment so I’ll just end by saying…
bad sex/no sex = dealbreaker.
Such a good post!! For me heartbreakers are as follows:
- Mega conservative political views
- Hunting
- Insincerity/Deception
- Drug use
- Someone who tricks me into watching horror movies by insisting that they are not scary, not understanding that I have a VIVID fucking imagination and Ghosthunters can be too intense for me at times.
the fitted sheet thing? you just told my story! manfriend is forever making fun of me for saying the bed is “sheety.” im sorry, i just can’t stand it when the sheets get out of control!
heartbreakers for me include:
-having delilah or whoeversheis as a preset on your radio
-knowing more about fashion than i do
-a mean, angry temper
-the NEED to have alcohol to have fun
-and, my vain one… the hair. you know the rest of the story. give me bad hair and im sorry, but …. no dice.
I think having chemistry is very important. I have met/dated a couple of guys where the chemistry has been off or no chemistry at all and that certainly is a deal breaker.
I have a whole category called “looks good on paper”. This is used when someone asks me about a certain person that they think I should date. And everything should be there but there’s no chemistry. They are the “looks good on paper” guys.
I totally agree with you about the knuckle cracking, it’s a really bad habit, not to mention that it’s bad for your fingers people! So just stop it!
Ahem, besides that I would say that being untrustworthy and dishonest are my heartbreakers. How can I even have a conversation with a person like that? I just can’t.
#1) Matt, it’s not just the boys who feel like that. Except in my case he seemed to think twice a week was sufficient.
I’m pretty sure (there was a lot of wine) that last night I said I’m just looking for a man who will take out the trash, split my favorite sushi order, and kiss my shoulder blades, but now, in the sober light of day, I’m a hell of a lot more picky.
Dealbreakers:
*Uses “gay” as a pejorative
*Doesn’t believe in evolution
*Is afraid of dogs (I know not his fault, but I just…can’t)
*Makes charts and/or graphs pertaining to the relationship (oy!)
*Refuses to play with my hair
*Pronounces it “nucular”
Flakiness is a heartbreaker for me. No matter how sweet or apologetic the guy is, I can’t stand people who make plans and then break them.
Oh my. How timely your post is! I’d have instantly said “lying,” but then I’m currently grappling with that one. Are all lies dealbreakers? Does length of time for a lie factor in? I honestly cannot say, though I really effing wish I could right now!
While I debate my own potential dealbreaking situation at the moment, I will say that cheating, temper tantrums and/or violence, misogyny, insensitivity, intolerance, and lack of responsibility all can undo any perceived “awesomeness.”
Sigh. Sometimes I feel like I’m better off alone.
Given my luck over the last year or so, “getting stood up for a second date without so much as a phone call” seems like a deal-breaker for me! LOL
“finding out that your ex-boyfriend used to masturbate to your grade 9 graduation photo.”
Not kidding…that totally happened to me!!!!
[...] 27, 2009 Today I was reading a post that Brandy wrote about Heartbreakers & Dealmakers. As I was reading some of her comments (for the record, Brandy gets some of the best comments [...]
a guy that’s a flake, lies consistently and get’s way too overemotional about everything would definitely constitute a heartbreaker for me.
Are Insincerity and dishonesty really worth mentioning? I mean, just WHO wouldn’t consider them are deal breakers…
Oh, yeah sorry. Religious freaks, overly conservative and homophobic people.
your deal breaker is a big deal breaker to me as well.
because ultimately being insincere breaks the trust and the trust is what i can’t take not being completely intact.
i usually can pick up on the insincerity and call bullshit, but the thing that makes me feel better is that if i know its going on and i allow it to happen, i obviously don’t care about that person enough to get upset.
it’s a choice.
Men who still wear their 1980s knock-off members only jacket.
Men who like Ben Stiller.
Men who can’t move past their high school sports stories.
Men who don’t like dogs.
Wet, slobbery kisses unless it’s from my dog are deal breakers.
basically exactly what alexa said.
we are smart, obviously.
Um, I have a very hard time sleeping if the fitted sheet isn’t on well. So you’re not the only one in that respect.
Insincerity, being cheap, political views, and oh so much more.
Picky eaters. I love food, all food, and I’m not very good at understanding people who say they don’t eat something. So I definitely can’t be with a guy who has some sort of food phobia or only eats meat and potatoes. It drives me nuts.
Also, if the last time he read a book was back in 1995. And he never finished. It would break my heart to be with a guy who doesn’t share my passions.
Infidelity.
Treating homeless people like shit.
Lying about the important stuff or omitting to tell me important stuff.
disloyalty is a big one for me.
Thanks for giving input in my 20SB discussion!!
I like your blog!
Oh! My Dealbreakers:
1. No sense of humor
2. Doesn’t watch movies
3. Rude and/or disrespectful to women
4. Potty-Mouth
5. Poor hygiene
Oh my gosh, I’m right there with you on Fitted Sheets That Don’t Freaking Fit. Also, unnecessary stinginess is a heartbreaker. And self-absorption pretty much sucks.
Heartbreaker #1: Loves cats.
Heartbreaker #2: Hates baseball.
ack. i have the fitted sheet thing too. maybe it’s a girl thing. maybe boys just as a general rule don’t give a crap.
my deal breakers:
treating the waitress like shit. because really, you CAN tell so much about someone based on how they treat the help.
in that same vein, bad tippers — example. was out to dinner last week with my bff and her boyfriend (and her 2 youngest — ages 5 (my gorgeous but messy eater Godson) and 4) and she asked me how much to leave for the tip since she knows i’m riDONKulously good at calculating 18-20% in my head. For a $30 check, i said “total should be about 35 or 36 bucks.” to which her lovely boyfriend (who also usually talks to the waitress like she’s got a fourth grade education) commented “THIRTY SIX DOLLARS?! She wasn’t even that GOOD.”
to which i replied “douchebag, (just kidding, i used his real name) she did every stupid little thing we asked, got refills, PLUS T got syrup all over the table. 36 is actually less than i would tip.”
to which my bff questioned: “how much would you leave?”
and i said “probably 40.”
guess how much we left?
BOOYAH, dirtbag.
oh and i don’t like it when boys use words i consider vulgar, like C-U-Next-Tuesday.
oh and! uncontrollable road rage. seriously, dude. keep a lid on it. yeah, people drive with their heads up their asses. but you know what? i’ve been in the car with you. let’s just say little boys in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, mkay?
My boyfriend teases me about how anal retentive I am about my bedding! A fitted bottom sheet IS essential…I don’t care what anyone else says!
It’s funny what we’re able to overlook when we care about someone. For me its the small stuff like knuckle cracking & snoring. The real heartbreakers are anything that involves dishonesty or deception. Also if the person has a substance abuse problem its a no-go. Mullets, as well are never OK!
Actually, a few of my close friends & I got together and made a complete list of red flags, dealbreakers & heartbreakers and I’ve posted it on my blog under my “dating disaster page” if you want to take a look :) http://www.skinnydip.ca
Great blog by the way!!
- jealous or restrictive about opposite-sex friends
- doesn’t read books
- follows you everywhere and doesn’t have an independent life