I was going to start this post as though I was dead and writing to you from the great beyond. But it was high on the creep factor and low on the funny (much like a guy I made many bad choices with). But I felt like I need to make some reference to death since I’ve started getting emails with- “ARE YOU DEAD?”. Which has caused to reflect on the fact that hey, I’m not dead. So I should write something to show that I AM alive, even if I’ve spent every waking moment of the last two weeks in school and there’s a chance that an email discussing only school events is going to be as entertaining as reading the ingredients on a bottle of shampoo.
The learning curve has been so steep it’s been less like a curve and has more followed the line of a rocket release. Everyday there’s roughly one thousand things I learn and my brain routinely runs out of room for everything I should know or remember. So I’ve become a post-it queen and have turned to drinking heavily while on recess supervision. (One of those confessions is false, I trust you are wise enough to establish which one). I dread the idea of being someone who only writes about school, so I’m going to lump in all the school-ish events into this post so I can use the next one to talk about my deep seated shame regarding a show called BIG BROTHER. (I realize some of you would rather hear me talk about photocopier jams than reality television and to you people I say, I’m sorry. Reality television is the balm that soothes my achy soul at the end of a long day. Besides, the season with Will was the best thing I’ve ever seen on television. Period. The end. Case closed. *Jessica Fletcher style.)
-I’ve taken to calling my classroom “The Cave”. It’s at the farthest end of the school, down the longest hallway and is the last classroom. Walking to and from my classroom from the photocopier room has become my new cardio work out. A grade 6 teacher has actually approached me and wants me to wear a pedometer because he sees me in the halls so much he’s convinced I’m walking a marathon everyday. Plus, I’m doing it in heels. In short, I’m going to have killer legs by the time this year is over. (See how I’m glass half-fulling this situation? Progress people, progress).
- One of my favourite blocks is the block right before lunch when I read Judy Blume to the class. Students can choose to read their own book (and other than the 9 year old who is reading Twilight- book approved by her mom), everyone hangs on every word I say. Looking up and seeing the whole class laughing hysterically over Judy Blume is always a highlight of my day.
- The teacher in the classroom next to me is the coolest women alive. Mrs. S is mid 40′s and is the kind of chick who you can imagine shaving her hair off her head and still looking amazing. I made a joke about how I’m going to have to step up my clothing choices with her beside me and she’s taken it as a personal challenge. Each morning she comes in and struts around my desks showing off her outfit. And every single day it’s been impressive. Perfect hair, thoughtfully coordinated accessories, painstakingly applied lipgloss. So not only will I have killer legs this year, I will start going to work on not looking homeless. Mostly out of shame and partly out of my competitive spirit. Either way, win.
- There is a boy in grade 3- Thomas, who farts. A lot. And naturally, when he does his classmates expect him to say something acknowledging it- but he refuses. Things came to a boiling point last Thursday when his classmates complained that Thomas had once again farted and wouldn’t say ‘excuse me’. Before I could say anything, I looked at Thomas (a chubby boy with spiky hair), with crossed arms who looked at me and said “They have no proof. Smell my butt, there’s no farts there”. Of course, it sounds funny now, but I assure you- NO ONE laughs in class when this happens. I’m not sure why, maybe because his classmates are so offended or Thomas is so adamant that they can’t pin the fart on him. And because everyone takes it so seriously- I, of course, find it hilarious. So I’m the one person in a room with 26 kids who is trying not to laugh when the class discussion is centered around farting. I am a model of maturity.
- I teach grade 3 art and I brought in a framed picture I have of the Mona Lisa. It looks impressive, the frame is gorgeous- I saved it from it’s resting spot above the mens urinal in the theatre I used to work at. Anyway, I brought it in to the grade 3 room when we started art and we talked about it and then asked the class if they had any questions. One of my favourite kids from the Obama class of last year is in this class now and he raised his hand and asked if I had painted the picture. Needless to say, a child who thinks I am capable of painting the Mona Lisa is going to get an automatic A plus. And a unicorn.
- My principal has heard me calling the photocopier machine a piece of shit. More than once. But in my defense? I was in on a Saturday, it was JAMMED AGAIN and it IS A PIECE OF SHIT. (I already have fantasies of taking it out back and showing it who is boss- much like the fax machine incident in Office Space).
- This has nothing to do with school at all but I’m strangely addicted to Defying Gravity. And judging from the blank stares people give me when I admit this, I’m starting to believe I’m the only one. Tell me, are you watching it?
Anyway, that’s a snippet of school life. Things have definitely calmed down since school has started and I’m working on finding a balance that includes proper time for showering, sleeping and you know, catching up on all your wonderful blogs. (My google reader and I are no longer speaking to one another, I’ve neglected it so badly lately). I hope you are all having a wonderful Monday!
*It has been a life long goal to reference Jessica Fletcher. My reference was lame but I’m giving myself a thumbs up for trying. Also? If you know who Jessica Fletcher is, head directly to GO and collect a BFF friendship bracelet from me.
I haven’t watched the latest Big Brother at all, but Will’s season of Big Brother is legendary. Nothing even comes close to comparison. Chill Town? When can I move there?
Emily, the fact that you referenced Chill Town makes me want to kiss you on the mouth.
All copiers are pieces of shit. It’s like a rule…”Hey, do you malfunction regularly? PERFECT! I’m going to put you in a school and make sure YOU NEVER EFFING WORK.”
This year, I have a kid who belches openly. In the faces of me and his classmates. During Writer’s Workshop. And I teach 8th grade. WTF?!
A burper? It’s wrong that I just spent the last five minutes pondering which I’d rather teacher. A person who burps in my face or a farter who acts like he didn’t do it….
In your second paragraph, I thought you’d written that your brain routinely runs out of THE room … and I was like, “Hey, mine too, but only during the early morning classes.”
And then I reread it and realized that my brain is still the only one fleeing structured education after all. Darn.
Today my brain really did run out of the room. Seriously. It’s going to be a looooong school year.
Wow, Judy Blume. There’s a blast from the past. “Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret.” was totally my favourite. I really need to get a copy of it…
Oh man, i ADORED that book. When I think back to elementary school it was definitely a stand out one!
I always loved when my teachers read to the class. It was one of my favorite parts of school.
I seriously laughed out loud at the fart story. “No farts there.” Hilarious!
I always loved it too!!
“They have no proof. Smell my butt, there’s no farts there”. Oh how I laughed at that!
And I know who Jessica Fletcher is. My mom LOVED that show and so I watched more than my fair share.
You know who Jessica Fletcher is. BFF status confirmed!
Me AND my grandma know who Jessica Fletcher is.
Also, lacking the ability to not laugh at situations involving farts is probably the top reason I would not be allowed to be a teacher. How DO you do it?!
Oh I don’t do it. I laugh all the time. And then when they ask what I’m laughing about, I lie. Yes, I think this is how all teachers operate. Or at least I hope so.
I hate the farting kid who refuses to just say, “Excuse me.” Manners, People, manners!
And I hate the copier! It ALWAYS breaks down JUST when you need it most!
Love your stories!
Photocopier jams are the papercuts of the office equipment world. Like, you will never die from it- but it’s so annoying that you almost wish you would.
And yes, I’m feeling ultra dramatic today.
1. I would probably crack up uncontrollably at the farting arguments. THAT is why I could never be an elementary school teacher, right there.
2. There is a good chance your principal agrees with you, and was trying to stifle some laughter when he/she heard you berating it.
I crack up and then lie to the kids about why I’m laughing. But seriously?! How could not laugh?!
I LOVE reading to my class! We’re reading Judy Blume’s Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing. I love how my 4th graders can go around trying to act so cool and grown up, but they seem so innocent and child-like when they are all sitting around me, laughing out loud about Peter’s crazy little brother, Fudge, and hanging on every word. I agree with you…it’s the best part of my day :)
And p.s. I just laughed hysterically about your fart story. I even shared it with my boyfriend because I couldn’t keep the story to myself. haha
That’s the one we are reading now too!!
Thomas reminds me of a story I’ll tell you later…just remind me. Who *doesn’t* know who Jessica Fletcher is?
I definitely want to hear this story now!
When you write something brilliant and hilarious I usually try to save comments for face to face meetings but this little tidbit…
“They have no proof. Smell my butt, there’s no farts there”.
I have no words just laughter. Also, totally using this same defense when hanging out with my brothers. See you Wednesday. Talk to you sooner!
Internet, meet my in real life friend Erin. Who knows more than she should and likes me anyway.
Also? Please try and not get sloppy drunk on Wednesday Erin. It’s exhausting always carrying you to a cab. Mwahahaha. Just kidding. Of course.
I never comment but I must say that I LOVE Defying Gravity. (And Big Brother.) :)
Yes!! Finally someone who watches!!! We should have a support group because I think we are the only two!
I can’t believe AB is back in class already. School starts tomorrow AM in ON! I love Jessica Fletcher, although I would never invite her over as people seem to expire when she’s around.
I also like the kid stories, anything to make me laugh to break up the monotony of data analysis….
Yeah I HATE that we started so early, besides we went for a week and then had Monday off, it just would have made more sense to start today. Oh well. I will make a note of this and change it when I rule the universe.
Defying Gravity is the best. BEST. Mostly because Ron Livingston is the awesome-est (and he’s in Band of Brothers, which was the best mini series of all time.) annnd I used to be addicted to Dead Like Me before the movie sucked, but Laura Harris was in it and I lurved her.
Plus Laura Harris played a terrorist in 24.
I successfully referenced 4 tv series in one comment. I’m proud.
Yes!! You are my people. I’m glad other people are watching! I don’t get the whole Beta storyline but Donner in space is dreamy.
I feel your pain… I think our school photocopier is possessed/ has continual PMS (I’m fairly sure it’s a girl, it’s such a bitch)/ is more psychopathic than Hannibal Lecter…
At least Grade 3s acknowledge their farts, my Preps just fart non stop then wonder why I always have the door open and am saying “It’s getting a bit stuffy in here”.
(And anyone who doesn’t appreciate a ‘Murder,She Wrote’ reference doesn’t deserve to go on living).
What you wrote in brackets may have been the best thing I’ve read all day. Well done.
Wow, that is a LOT going on- I can’t imagine the change to having your own class too, I hope you’re having fun! And that the farts are few & far between =)
Thanks lovely!!
Ahh, the teachers who read aloud to the class were always my favorite.
Mine too. ;)
which Judy Blume book are you reading??
Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing, I adore Fudge stories!
Wait, I’m low on the creep factor and high on the funny! Something is definitely off-kilter in the universe!
How you maintain a straight face during the farting conversations is beyond me. It’s a real talent.
So, are you taking before and after pictures of the leg/fashion development over the next year?
Ohh I should! (I think you were joking but I feel photographic evidence of my clothing evolution would be entertaining for me to look at later.) But seriously? Today I wore a yellow shirt and cool navy pants. Mrs. S (who is mid 40′s) showed up in a hip plaid dress with a thick leather belt and black boots. She wins. Again.
Defying Gravity is stupendous visual entertainment. I’m a television aficionado and I find DG to be one of the prettiest shows on television ever. The production values are excellent. The cameras and lenses they use, and the special effects, make the show look tremendous on a quality HD TV.
I also like the storytelling and the character development. Zoe is stealing the show for me. I find her character captivating. Office Space’s Ron Livingston gives a steady, strong performance as the lead, but the show really shines because of the rest of the cast. I hope they develop the AJ Sharma character even more, because he seems extremely likeable. The only weak spot in the whole cast is the horny Russian chick, I think. But perhaps she’s just very underdeveloped right now.
At this point, they’ve done a good job of stringing me along with “beta”, and I’m very curious what “beta” is. I love this show, and look forward to the rest of the episodes, and a renewal for next summer.
Yes!!! Exactly. It’s so engaging the way they shoot it. Zoe is my favourite too and I dig AJ. I hope they develop the goofy dude who dressed up for Halloween (I forget his name!), I think he’s entertaining.
As for the Russian chick, I just find her annoying. Probably because she’s all over Donner. ;)
I would be a hysterical laughing mess every day if I were a teacher with a farter in class.
Welcome to my world!!
I bought my nephew a couple of Judy Blume books for his birthday – and of course had to read them myseslf before I sent them off. Still as magical as they were 20+ years ago…
I was in Canada alone this weekend and man, you Canadians are so freaking friendly! I made buddies where ever I went. The boys who bought me beer might have been my favorite!
I love giving books as gifts. Such a nice idea! And yes, us Canadians are ridiculously friendly. It’s part of our charm. Well, that and the poutine. The poutine here can be quite charming as well.
oh man a farter? yikes, haha. and um you are super busy and i’m glad you’re not dead, woo. haha.
I’m glad I’m not dead too! Have fun in SD!
Back when I was teaching school many moons ago (also 3rd grade) I had a student with another er.. problem. One that caused him to have his hands down the front of his pants on many occasions. Try not to laugh during that!
Your school life sounds very interesting, especially the part of 40 years old teacher still all flashy and fabulous? How SATC! I wanna be like that someday.
I miss teaching. But then I remember that I would have to be the judge regarding farts, and I feel better about not being able to do it right now.
But, hands down, my favorite part of the day as a teacher or as a student = reading aloud. It’s fabulous!
Catching up on some reading here with a question – do you have a service contract for the machine? I would put money on YES. Call ‘em in. You might get a cute copy-repair-man (I married one).