I have a healthy ego. I regularly am delighted by my talents (like knowing all the words to this song – just for you Ben), nod in agreement when people tell me I’m great (I assure you, this is a little more adorable and far less annoying than I just made it sound), and marvel at my genius. But people? I’ve got faults. Heaps of them. Truckloads of them. So many that you could stack them up, climb on top of them and touch the moon with your fingertips.
See? I wasn’t kidding.
September has been an amazing month but it’s also been an annoying mirror that’s been held up to me to show me what my faults are. The kind of mirror that so clearly shows my less desirable traits- that they are bound to stick with me. And of course, when something sticks with me and is on my brain? I feel the need to share it. (Consider yourself lucky, I almost wrote about what it’s like to put your hand under a desk and with a sudden, stomach churning realization realize why the one boy in your class never needs a kleenex. He stores his snot under his desk. You know, where I just put my hand. Thick in the snot graveyard.) Where was I? Oh yes, faults.
Here are my current top five…
(Note: One of the few things that will cause me to search for an ice pic to stab myself with is when people say things solely for a response. Like when someone who wears a size 0 and is so thin they are invisible when they turn sideways tells you they are fat, and then they wait eagerly for you to tell them that they are not. That drives me 8 shades of crazy. So rest assured, I’m not sharing these hoping someone comes and tells me I’m none of the above- trust me- I own these faults like Josh Lyman owns my heart, I’m simply listing them off because sharing is caring and like I said, it was this or a detailed description of the horror that comes when you find a child’s dried snot under your fingernails.)
Fault #1: I get jealous.
Now. This has been the newest realization and one that I’ve been struggling with the most. Probably because I’m not really a jealous person (when you think you are *great and love your own brain, it often seems like a waste of energy to get jealous of others), but lately? Ohhh man. You could channel my jealousy and use it to fuel a few thousand power stations. I’ve gone all green with envy, I’ve turned Hulk-like with my furious jealousy. And because I feel so foolish over being jealous, I tend to think I can just cover my tracks by faking happiness and talking with a lot of exclamation marks. Like this! I’m fine! Really! Which never works! It just makes you look and sound like a complete lunatic. Trust me. I can spot a lunatic at 100 yards (I used to be able to spot the lunatics and then want to date them) but lately all I’ve needed to do is look in the mirror to see one.
Fault #2 I am not organized. AT ALL.
So I was watching Oprah three thousand years ago, back when I had free time (AND YES, I know some of you are thinking “Watching Oprah should be Fault #2 here”- and trust me, I almost put it down) and there was this episode on organization and clutter and how there are different types of messy. There was one lady who looked like she had the most pristine home, but when you tried to open a drawer, they would jam because they were all full of junk. Like, I’m talking food and doorhandles and garbage and nails and elastics and cans of tuna. That’s sort of how I’m messy, except you know, no tuna. My school filing cabinet currently consists of 2 folders. One is in class stuff, the other is everything else. One month into school and these are already bursting at the seams, yet I can’t find the will to sit down and sort the papers. Paper sorting is not my friend. I go to Ikea, I buy the little magazine holders, I have enough file folders and binders and dividers to supply Staples, but for some reason paper messes follow me like rain clouds follow Eeyore. (Do you like how I take no responsibility for this and claim that the mess just follows me? Yeah, I like that too).
Fault #3: Speeding tickets and I have a close relationship
I got another one in the mail last week. I would be scared to add up how much I’ve paid to the nice police department due to a heavy (but well dressed) foot. I can’t blame myself for this one though, I blame this guy:
It’s like he’s hanging from my mirror daring me to go faster. Just kidding. I can’t blame him for anything, except for creating my unhealthy obsession with Michelle. (Speaking of, I may spend too much time at this site).
Fault #4: I refuse to let have a hard time letting dudes pay for things.
Maybe it’s because I used to attract the cheapest men around, the kind who would think of reasons to NOT stand in line together at the movie counter so there would be no talk of who was paying for tickets (no seriously. It happened.), or maybe it’s because I’ve grown up in a “I’m a woman! Here me roar and let me show my independence by taking care of myself AND buying the movie tickets. BOOYAH!“, but the idea of a dude paying for things makes me all flustered and agitated and combative a little less adorable. I know, most girls would go all swoony at the idea of a guy who wants to pay for a book or a movie or a trip but I tend to want to start throwing dropkicks unless I get my way and can throw down some **greenbacks. I’m working on it though, but lordy, it is tough.
Fault #5: I run from big arguments. I chase children when I’m angry. I have the kind of relationship with my father that would guarantee me a book deal if either he or I was famous.
It would appear that I share my faults with you. The ones that make me sound reeeeally crazy. Well that’s good. I like that I use public forums like the internet to illustrate my crazy. Better me than someone else right? Oh!! Speaking of crazy (I like how this is now just stopped being a post and has turned into something resembling a letter to a faraway friend, today I saw ***Mallard!! And my hair was fantastic and she let it slip that she had applied for THE JOB THAT I GOT. It was glorious.)
Make me feel better, what’s your biggest fault?
* A complete lack of modesty could also be added to my fault list but I don’t want to go overboard here and bruise my own ego by making the list too long.
** yes, I really was just dying to say “greenbacks”.
*** I apologize to the 99.98% of you who have no idea who Mallard is.
I am the most jealous person I know, to the point that it makes me more hateful than I like to admit. I wish there was an easy fix to it, you know? I appreciate your honesty.
Um really all I have to say is that I also know all the words to “Faded” and am well-known amongst friends for busting it out when intoxicated / on my way to getting intoxicated. And occasionally when stone-cold sober to avoid doing anything productive with my life. The lyrical genius of Soul Decision cures all.
I have a jealous tendency, but I also have a knack for admitting it. I have a hard time following through on things, but I can start 8 million projects like it’s my job. I’m lazy about things like making dentist appointments, getting my car fixed/oil changed, putting laundry away.
Those aren’t the biggest, but the only ones I want to share publicly :)
I’m with you there on being jealous, insecure even! I think I’ll write about it in my blog today. It’s been on my head for the past three days and I’m in doubt writing it because it’ll make me sound like a real bad person but whatever. It’s my flaws, and well I better let it out.
And as for not organized and pulled off by cops so much, yehaaa I have those too. Especially the latter. Traffic cops love me! Luckily instead of going to court and get speeding tickets like you guys do over there, I can bribe them. Yes, law system here is a bit piss poor.
stubbornness.
or know-it-all-ness.
or excessive sarcasm.
take your pick.
Heh, I’ve seen a few speeding tickets in my day.
I am also really quiet and almost agreeable to a fault. I hate arguments so I’ll do anything I can to avoid them.
Um…NOW it’s going to be that I’m following the Mrs. O site. Thanks.
Tia stole my answer….
you can also add that I can’t keep my big mouth shut…
it’s a disease
Ooh jealousy is a big one for me too. I mean, I get jealous when my dog cuddles with my friends and not me. Seriously.
And I also have a slightly unhealthy addiction to celebrity gossip. Although I”m getting much better as of late
There is no fault to be found in anything involving soulDecision.
For not liking Oprah you sure talk about her a great deal. I think she may be your GIRL CRUSH.
Dont even try denying it.
Mine is probably that I have no ambition. No drive. I just plod through life doing what comes next, not planning for the future or what I want because… well I don’t know what I want.
Ohhh, Mallard Karma. BOOYAH!
I am your twin in the organization department. I love files and folders and color-coding crap but when it comes time to actually put papers and what not in them, I’d rather cliff dive than do it. Ugh. Which is why my office (and, okay,part of my kitchen counter) is currently a fire hazard. Again, UGH.
Also, #4? Get on over that, girlie. :)
I am THE laziest person in the world. I’m not even remotely exaggerating that point. You haven’t seen my bathrooms. It’s kind of disgusting and is one of the reasons I never have guests over.
See, that is the extent of my laziness. I would rather go out and meet people than clean my house. It’s gotten to the point that I would almost rather shower at the gym than scrub my tub.
My home office is also a disaster. SoI just take my computer to the the living room and close the office door so I don’t have to look at it.
I know. I have a problem.
I think mine (though I’m in recovery mode!) is that I absolutely hate experiencing or expressing emotion. So I try to logic my way through situations that require “feelings,” until one day the built-up pressure of emotion erupts like a destructive volcano, and I’m found sobbing and swollen-faced by a good friend with tissues.
I’m getting better about it, but this is my default programming.
I never look as put-together as I’d like to. I’m horrible at putting outfits together… and when I do actually feel like I’ve made progress with an outfit, something happens like my shirt is too short in the back and I have to keep tugging at it all day. I wish I had effortless style.
Sigh.
i love that you have the balls to bust this list out.
i share many of the same things with you… jealousy, as of late, being right up there. i dont know what my deal is, but at least im able to admit it?
also? i have way too much clutter. i try to rationalize it by saying it’s “organized clutter”… but come the fuck on. im just making excuses for not being featured on the next episode of hoarders.
(manfriend jokes that i should be on there. i think that’s extreme, but i can also see his point. i need to do a clean sweep!)
and OF COURSE we remember mallard.
I think we can all relate at least a little bit to your faults.. we’ve all got ‘em. I can get jealous too, and I can be a little too demanding. That much I know.
As for what you said about paper organizing? I would LOVE to be that organized. I buy those file folders & such too, and I try really hard to keep up with it all! I do! But I still always end up with a stack of random papers on my computer desk. Oh well, I tried!
One of my biggest faults is that I hate (HATE) shopping, especially for clothes, so I’m always wearing stuff that’s old and faded and doesn’t fit properly and basically I look like a slob. And then I act like I don’t care, that I’m so above mundane things like APPEARANCE, and that my insane skills and sparkling personality should cancel out the fact that I resemble a hobo, but really, I’m well aware of how bad it is. Every morning when I get dressed I hate myself a little for not bucking up and getting some nicer clothes (okay, and a haircut) already. Especially because of where I work. I know I’m not doing myself any favours.
OK, I had never heard of Mallard, but I just went back to read those posts. And SERIOUSLY? Running into her was probably the best feeling ever. And you totally deserve it.
My biggest flaw that drives me nuts but I just can’t help myself, is that I tend to be a control freak. I really prefer feeling like I have some control over things, event when I don’t, and that tends to stress me out. It’s this ugly cycle.
I *despise* Phil Collins with a passion and I don’t make that a secret. But I’ll be damned if every time Against All Odds (Take A Look At Me Now) comes on the radio I don’t feel ABSOLUTELY COMPELLED to sing along … like at the top of my voice.
Clearly, I am horribly flawed.
My biggest fault is…hmm, hard to pick just one. I have a real problem with telling people what to do. I think some people refer to that as “being bossy”. AHEM.
1. control freak
2. inability to say “no”
3. head-in-the-sand
4. procrastinator
5. “I’m fine”
other than that, I am of course PERFECT
I think my biggest flaw is that I get angry too quickly. I also calm down quickly, but I’m very quick to anger. Follow that up with my inability to trust people in close second place, and you can see why I don’t have very many close friends. Also in third place? I often say the first thing that comes to mind without thinking it through….hmmm…oh and like Sizzle? I’m bossy. Which is my biggest strength as a teacher, but probably a flaw as a friend and wife.
I do have a *mild* jealousy streak (and of course, since I said mild, I mean the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of that) and that I constantly say, “I’m fine” or “it’s fine” when, again, it’s the complete opposite of that.
and Mallard, oh Mallard. I snort from laughter at the sheer mention of her name.
This list just confirmed that we’d be friends in real life. And I’m so effing glad you saw Mallard with a fantastic coif and the job she wanted. Booyah bitch!
oh man i share so many of those faults. but i think my biggest one is that i’m impatient. that and when i get cranky there isn’t a whole lot to make me happy. i’m such a little kid sometimes.
I’m a control freak sometimes, I get jealous, my apt is 90% of the time a huge mess (but I live alone, so I think its ok), and it will get me to my core for days if I think someone thinks I’m a bad person. Oh and if I accidentally make people wait for me (late to appts etc) I feel guilty for the rest of the day and it just throws my whole day off.
OH man, I have trouble letting guys pay. I probably pay about 75% of the time because I just feel agitated that somebody else is “taking care” of me. Lame!
sigh. i am also a jealous psychopath. we should start a support group.
You are so likable! :)