I have a healthy ego. I regularly am delighted by my talents (like knowing all the words to this song – just for you Ben), nod in agreement when people tell me I’m great (I assure you, this is a little more adorable and far less annoying than I just made it sound), and marvel at my genius. But people? I’ve got faults. Heaps of them. Truckloads of them. So many that you could stack them up, climb on top of them and touch the moon with your fingertips.
See? I wasn’t kidding.
September has been an amazing month but it’s also been an annoying mirror that’s been held up to me to show me what my faults are. The kind of mirror that so clearly shows my less desirable traits- that they are bound to stick with me. And of course, when something sticks with me and is on my brain? I feel the need to share it. (Consider yourself lucky, I almost wrote about what it’s like to put your hand under a desk and with a sudden, stomach churning realization realize why the one boy in your class never needs a kleenex. He stores his snot under his desk. You know, where I just put my hand. Thick in the snot graveyard.) Where was I? Oh yes, faults.
Here are my current top five…
(Note: One of the few things that will cause me to search for an ice pic to stab myself with is when people say things solely for a response. Like when someone who wears a size 0 and is so thin they are invisible when they turn sideways tells you they are fat, and then they wait eagerly for you to tell them that they are not. That drives me 8 shades of crazy. So rest assured, I’m not sharing these hoping someone comes and tells me I’m none of the above- trust me- I own these faults like Josh Lyman owns my heart, I’m simply listing them off because sharing is caring and like I said, it was this or a detailed description of the horror that comes when you find a child’s dried snot under your fingernails.)
Fault #1: I get jealous.
Now. This has been the newest realization and one that I’ve been struggling with the most. Probably because I’m not really a jealous person (when you think you are *great and love your own brain, it often seems like a waste of energy to get jealous of others), but lately? Ohhh man. You could channel my jealousy and use it to fuel a few thousand power stations. I’ve gone all green with envy, I’ve turned Hulk-like with my furious jealousy. And because I feel so foolish over being jealous, I tend to think I can just cover my tracks by faking happiness and talking with a lot of exclamation marks. Like this! I’m fine! Really! Which never works! It just makes you look and sound like a complete lunatic. Trust me. I can spot a lunatic at 100 yards (I used to be able to spot the lunatics and then want to date them) but lately all I’ve needed to do is look in the mirror to see one.
Fault #2 I am not organized. AT ALL.
So I was watching Oprah three thousand years ago, back when I had free time (AND YES, I know some of you are thinking “Watching Oprah should be Fault #2 here”- and trust me, I almost put it down) and there was this episode on organization and clutter and how there are different types of messy. There was one lady who looked like she had the most pristine home, but when you tried to open a drawer, they would jam because they were all full of junk. Like, I’m talking food and doorhandles and garbage and nails and elastics and cans of tuna. That’s sort of how I’m messy, except you know, no tuna. My school filing cabinet currently consists of 2 folders. One is in class stuff, the other is everything else. One month into school and these are already bursting at the seams, yet I can’t find the will to sit down and sort the papers. Paper sorting is not my friend. I go to Ikea, I buy the little magazine holders, I have enough file folders and binders and dividers to supply Staples, but for some reason paper messes follow me like rain clouds follow Eeyore. (Do you like how I take no responsibility for this and claim that the mess just follows me? Yeah, I like that too).
Fault #3: Speeding tickets and I have a close relationship
I got another one in the mail last week. I would be scared to add up how much I’ve paid to the nice police department due to a heavy (but well dressed) foot. I can’t blame myself for this one though, I blame this guy:
It’s like he’s hanging from my mirror daring me to go faster. Just kidding. I can’t blame him for anything, except for creating my unhealthy obsession with Michelle. (Speaking of, I may spend too much time at this site).
Fault #4: I refuse to let have a hard time letting dudes pay for things.
Maybe it’s because I used to attract the cheapest men around, the kind who would think of reasons to NOT stand in line together at the movie counter so there would be no talk of who was paying for tickets (no seriously. It happened.), or maybe it’s because I’ve grown up in a “I’m a woman! Here me roar and let me show my independence by taking care of myself AND buying the movie tickets. BOOYAH!“, but the idea of a dude paying for things makes me all flustered and agitated and combative a little less adorable. I know, most girls would go all swoony at the idea of a guy who wants to pay for a book or a movie or a trip but I tend to want to start throwing dropkicks unless I get my way and can throw down some **greenbacks. I’m working on it though, but lordy, it is tough.
Fault #5: I run from big arguments. I chase children when I’m angry. I have the kind of relationship with my father that would guarantee me a book deal if either he or I was famous.
It would appear that I share my faults with you. The ones that make me sound reeeeally crazy. Well that’s good. I like that I use public forums like the internet to illustrate my crazy. Better me than someone else right? Oh!! Speaking of crazy (I like how this is now just stopped being a post and has turned into something resembling a letter to a faraway friend, today I saw ***Mallard!! And my hair was fantastic and she let it slip that she had applied for THE JOB THAT I GOT. It was glorious.)
Make me feel better, what’s your biggest fault?
* A complete lack of modesty could also be added to my fault list but I don’t want to go overboard here and bruise my own ego by making the list too long.
** yes, I really was just dying to say “greenbacks”.
*** I apologize to the 99.98% of you who have no idea who Mallard is.