This weekend I reclaimed my closet. At first I was just going to tackle spring/summer clothes and store them for the winter in my summer house garbage bags shoved into closets, but then a second of inspiration coupled with a fleeting moment of ambition led to me clearing off all my shelves, unfolding every article, removing each shirt, dress, regrettable sequined ensemble from it’s hanger and tossing it on my bed to be sorted and then placed in an appropriate bag to be either stored or given away.
I had had nearly finished when I stumbled upon a stack of lingerie. A stack that would make Victoria proud. A pile of pink silk, red satin and black lace spilled through my fingers. There were straps and snaps, bows and buttons, enough lingerie to make a man weep with happiness. And I had to get rid of it.
I have this… thing. About lingerie. As in, if one dude has seen me in it, then I really can’t wear it around another dude. It’s as though it’s this reminder of HEY I HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND THEY REALLY ENJOYED THAT STRATEGICALLY PLACED BOW TOO!, which is roughly eight thousand shades of awkward. And of course no man is ever going to ask and no woman is ever going to admit it, but you just want to pretend that whatever you are wearing, isn’t something that other eyes have seen.
(This would be an expensive issue if I dated regularly but given the fact that I’m both lazy and picky and find myself in lingerie situations as often as man witnesses the solar eclipse, it hasn’t really been a problem. However. It’s sort of an issue now. Ahem.)
I decided that I would donate it. It felt REALLY weird to do, but, after scouring Value Village in years past for Halloween costumes, I came to realize that other people donate lingerie and that if someone can’t afford brand new lingerie but still wants to wear it- who am I to deny them that? I heaved the pile into the donate bag, kept on sifting through years of clothes and promptly forgot about the graveyard of sexwear residing in one of the donation bags.
I hauled the three garbage bags to the front door, mentally giving myself a week to haul them to my car (I’m all about baby steps, people), when my doorbell rang. It was the neighbour- thanking me for watching her dog while her family was out of the city at a church retreat. She spoke briefly of how powerful it was to witness people embrace God and how she was so thankful her daughter was with her for the moment. We talked about weather and getting colds and not dressing warmly enough and as the conversation drifted to clothes, I had the thought of giving all the clothes I was going to donate to Value Village to my neighbour’s daughter. She loved the idea and so did I- my neighbour even volunteered to send her daughter over to help me carry the bags to her house (an idea which I promptly fell in love with).
It wasn’t until this afternoon- more than twenty-four hours after I’d given the clothes away that I realized that I forgot the lingerie was in the bags. The bags I gave to a ten year old. Who has deeply religious parents. Who lives right next door.
The worst best part of it all is that I’m not even that surprised that I forgot about the pile and gave sexwear to a minor. That totally fits with how I roll. I’m trying to silver line this situation and the best I can come with is if she decides to dress up like a *slutty fairy for Halloween, she’s got a head start.
Oy.
*Hopefully the fact that you know, she’s TEN, coupled with the fact she’s raised in a really strict religious household will ensure she does not go the slut route on Halloween. If she does, I’m sending her this.
hahahahaha that’s awesome.
Brandy – corrupting Canada’s youth, one see-through nighty at a time.
Classic.
hahahaha. Ohh the awkward. This post merits an actual laugh out loud. I sincerely hope you see her wearing some of those bows as hair barrettes.
same holds true with bedding – new lover = new sheets (and duvet – and BED in a perfect world)
You had THREE garbage bags of lingerie? I really need to go shopping!
O.M.G. Maybe mom will go through it first? In which case, it might be put to good use….?
that’s awesome.
i was going through some of my own stuff awhile back and had some old (yet still very nice and rarely worn) thongs from VS and threw them in the donate bag as my mother quickly grabbed them out saying I couldn’t donate thongs. hahaha…. I threw them back in and said yes I could and hoped that the old ladies who went through everything got a laugh from it like I did :)
There is SO much awesome/awkward going on here, I almost can’t handle it. Almost.
that 10 year old will now think you’re the coolest adult EVER
Oh no! That is too funny!
Ok, I’ve only bought strategic lingerie a couple of times and once? He never even saw it (because it was Valentine’s Day and he spent the evening once we got home on the phone with the girl he was cheating on me with while I fell asleep), and the other?
Well, yeah, he saw ‘em and that worked out just fine *bedazzled jackets all around!* hehe… But it’s more… nightwear than slinky lingerie, so I’m sure I could get some more use out of it :)
As someone who just got a freaky religious Facebook message from a long lost “friend,” I think this is FABULOUS!
I agree about the naughty night wear. I don’t wear it “again”. As for the 10 year old—HAHA I’m sorry, but that’s just hilarious.
Hopefully she won’t realize what it is… is it REALLY sexy lingerie? Or can it be thought of as a skimpy nightgown, hopefully?
Wait, people buy second hand lingerie? That would be even more awkward if the guy spotted the bag the items came out of.
Also, not sure about modern practise, but I learnt about 20 years ago as a kid, Christians don’t really digg Halloween. I found that out knocking on a priests door. (Perhaps he was just mean though?)
i have the same exact feeling about lingerie. it does feel kinda dirty to show one guy something a different guy liked/saw/knew about. it’s not like he would ever know but i guess in the back of my mind there’s this awkward moment in a bar where these two bump into each other and former guy says “does she still have that zebra striped number?”
and yah…. not cool
This post actually made me laugh out loud in my office. Hopefully the boss doesn’t walk in and ask me why I’m laughing. Then I’ll have to explain to him that someone gave lingerie to a ten year old, but not on purpose, but that’s what makes it funny… and whatever, maybe you just had to be there.
I feel the same way about lingerie, but even more so. I kind of feel it’s disposable, one use sort of stuff. Because really, unless a guy says he REALLY likes that “one thing with the stockings” I feel like they’re mentally thinking, “Oh, so it’s black lace night…again.”
Which no longer makes me feel sexy but instead makes me feel like….meatloaf.
Hence, my use of lingerie is few and far between.
LOL All I want to do right now is a slow motion “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”
Wow. Just wow. =D
Oops. I know it seems funny in the abstract and I tend toward the conservative side, but I really wouldn’t want my 9 year old niece to go through bags of lingerie–that’s just not what I want a child to be thinking about or trying to figure out. Just a thought but you may want to call her mom and at least apologize for the oversight….maybe they’ve not opened the bags yet.
And I’m with you on tossing lingerie and not re-using with someone else.
HA! This is a great story. Maybe next you can give some alcohol to minors in a religious sect. :)
im so glad im not the only one that feels like that about lingerie. as for giving it to a 10 yr old..well heck. it’s always the religious ones that are closet cases anyways.
With any luck, she sews…kick-ass bible covers for Christmas all around.
Hey, those religious kids rebel… you’re just helping her figure out there are options, and some of them are made of silk and lace. ;-)
hahahaha that is amazing, seriously amazing and totally something i would do too. i’m so forgetful it wouldn’t surprise me at all if i did that. but oh man i really wonder how that conversation went.
You could always say you were trying to rid yourself of those sinful piece of clothing….
I always did find the lingerie section at Value Village insanely creepy.
Oh wow. That’s rough. Hopefully she didn’t look in the bags and immediately be corrupted.
I have the same issue with lingerie, but since I’ve been with the same guy for more than 2.5 years now, we just roll with whatever. … I really should get some new stuff. For the wedding/honeymoon, right?
Great, I did not know about that till now. Cheers!
[...] definitely not that (I started linking to posts that illustrate my awkwardness, including when I gave a child lingerie, but it just got depressing). I guess I just feel like if I’m encouraging kids to be their [...]