I was thinking tonight about how I don’t know how to swim. I’ve always felt like this was a handicap, something that prevented me from living a life of glamorous weekend getaways, cuddling with Phelps abs (not his face, just his abs), fully appreciating the cuteness that is showcased every spring in the swimwear section of J.Crew. I’ve always seen it as a horrible flaw- yet one I’m too scared to overcome.
I’ve never experienced cancer like I am right now. I’ve never had a family member or friend get diagnosed, I’ve never felt engulfed like I do now. Submerged in a whole new world. We are in the process of planning treatment- chemotherapy, radiation, these words form in my mouth and feel strange. Receiving and understanding each new piece of news, feels like drowning- it’s hard to breathe, I can’t move. I feel completely alone, as though I could scream and not a single head would turn. Time stops and the weight of the universe is squarely planted on my chest. And the terror that clutches me? I cannot fathom how to begin to describe it. It pulls me under in ways that leave me exhausted and aching and gasping for air.
The clock ticks.
I learned a long time ago that if you are drowning, you need to be calm. Flailing will not save you. Panic will not increase your odds. Steady thought, positive thinking and calmness will do so much more. So that is what I do. I wait until the moment passes- the moment that seems will never pass and when it does, I rise again- through everything and am ready for what comes next.
And although this news, this new reality pulls me under- by way of unwanted news, careless comments from co-workers, and misguided google searches, motherfuckers- I can float. I may be a little worse for wear, my eyes may be red and there is a tired about me- a nervous exhaustion that isn’t remedied with sleep, but after every dip under the water when I am engulfed- I break free and breathe again. Still going. Still looking for silver linings and great big things to believe in.
This is not brave or courageous or admirable. This is just what happens. This is what you would do too. It i’s human nature to keep going, to figure out how to keep breathing when your heart has stopped. I have learned that I may not be able to swim, but I’m strong enough to float, brave enough to not flail- when the waters get high. And on the scariest days, when the waters are highest and I’m scared of not breathing again? When I’m tired of pulling myself up? I turn to the person who’s with me in this, who fixes it all with a joke and a laugh. The one who best understands how I’m feeling right now. I turn to him, grateful that he is a strong swimmer and I find complete comfort in knowing he’s got my back and that we are in this together. And we will win.
This is so eloquent, Brandy, which is amazing. All I know to say is that I’m cheering you on from the shore. Sending you prayers and love and good things…
Amy said it perfectly. I second the from-the-shore cheering.
You’re so right: you do it because you have to. Keep floating, girl! I’m cheering (and praying) for you guys, too!
I keep trying to write something, but nothing comes out quite right, so I’ll just leave it at–ditto what Amy said.
You’re doing fine.. even paddling counts as swimming. But you’re a lot stronger than that sugar.. We’re all cheering and crossing fingers. xo
Thinking about you!!
Does that make us your occasional water wings?
no?
I tried.
Keep your chin up girl! You ARE stonger than you think. I’m praying for a cure!!!
And don’t bother yourself with worrying about what careless people say. There’s plenty of karma for that! :)
What a coincidence…that the subject of the e-mail I sent you earlier this week was “Just keep swimming”. :)
this was beautifully written brandylicious. know that im thinking of you, every day. you and your guy are going to ride these waves out and get through this.
The thought that keeps getting me through is “Keep moving forward,” and it sounds like you’ve got a more complete version of that. I’m cheering from the shore too. This was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever read, lady.
I know you’re dealing with a lot but I get the feeling you’re the kind of girl that could take on the world! I don’t think it could’ve been put better than by Amy, Just a Titch! x
Hey lady, don’t you think a cute little getup from J. Crew will help you float? I think so. Retail therapy.
I love you.
All I could think of is the line from Finding Nemo, “just keep swimming, just keep swimming…”
Thinking of you and sending prayers and hugs and good thoughts your way. xo
That’s it! You’re doing it. Just keep on floating. Eventually, the waters will recede. xoxo
It is really stunning the way we can adapt to a new kind of normal in such a short time. I’m proud of you, and I never doubt that everything you need to get by is already in you.
we are all here to keep you going, calm you down when you need it and help you float through this, lovie. you’re both so, so, so strong. i’m keeping you guys in my prayers. xo
You’re not alone in this. We’ve all got your back. I hope you know that.
This is so beautifully put. Thank you.
I just wanted to squeeze you into a huge hug.
I know there’s nothing I can do right now other than offer my shoulder, kind words and prayer. But those things, if you ever need them, I’m here.
I’d like to say something profound, but all I’ve got is *hugs*
You’re right, YOU WILL WIN!
Beautifully written, Brandy. Isn’t it funny how in times of need and desperation, we find our true strength? And how you’re stronger than you ever imagined?
I’m with everyone else and am cheering y’all on. You are so strong. And I am always here.
So beautifully described. Sending good thoughts/prayers your way.
Sending love and cheering with the rest.
that just gave me chills and brought tears to my eyes.
i find myself telling others about you, as though i actually know you…so many of us are thinking of you and sending you prayers, positive thoughts and strength each and every day!
Very lovely post. Just wanted to add my prayers and good vibes to the rest.
Brandy.. Hope always floats. Keep at it, and both of you will beat this!
I think everything worth saying has been said already, so I’ll just offer you yet another e-hug instead. <3
Absolutely beautiful. You are an inspiration.
Here’s to lots and lots of strength as you continue floating. I hope the waters get more and more calm.
I wish there was more we could do or say, but please just remember that we’re all thinking of and praying for you and HAD.
You always make me bust a tear Brandy. I’m thinking you and HAD and am sending good thoughts. You float on sweetie!
Maybe we would all do it too, but your words are inspiring and I guarantee they are changing someone’s life. I got chills when I read this. I can’t even imagine what you are going through, but I hope in some way sharing your thoughts helps you. I promise it helps your readers.
I think “Motherfuckers–I can float” is mantra-worthy.
You are Ah-mazing, my dear.
I’ve been following your tweets and blog about this ordeal. I’m so sorry you’re going through this; you’re both very brave and strong and yes, you will win. XO
You may not know me, but I am a reader and follower of yours . You have mighty strength and are an inspiration to many, as anyone can clearly see. Stay strong and we are all behind you sending good thoughts, vibes, and prayers your way!
you are definitely in my thoughts and prayers everyday… I see you tweet and write about this and I know this must be incredibly hard to deal with. I can tell you are definitely a strong person and hopefully everything will turn out ok.
(((hugs)))
One of the greatest lessons I have learned in grad school is that you can tell a lot about a person based on how he or she faces adversity and how he or she recovers from the aftershocks of that adversity. Cancer is one of the most difficult adversities one will ever have to face. It is difficult when it affects someone you love with all your heart and when it is something as intense and scary as MM. You are braver, stronger, and more graceful than you realize. The world is brighter because of women like you. And your brightness will lift up your loved one during this illness more than you will ever realize.
I admire your strength through such a frightful time. I also can’t swim, and would feel as if drowning in your situation, but you’re right. We CAN still float, and sometimes, that what’s it takes to get closer to shore where you can stand back up on your two feet once more. Praying for you and the boy <3.
brandy this is so beautifully written and we will all be here cheering you on and sending hugs and pictures of phelps abs to make you feel better.
http://coverawards.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/gqmenoftheyearcoverawardsmarkpasetskymichaelphelps.jpg
enjoy :)
This post, you, your words and the way you so wonderfully express them: it’s all so beautiful.
So much of healing, of fighting, of grief, is treading water. Until the day you feel strong enough to push forward and that day is always the most amazing one.
I’m hereby offering my mad swimming skillz to you and your fella.
I don’t know if you got my DM this morning but you are so full of grace. and this is absolutely beautiful.
you & H.A.D are in my thoughts.
Everything you’re feeling is very natural, albeit terrible feelings at the same time. My brother and good friend both had colon cancer at a young age, so I’ve been along for the rollercoaster ride. I’m glad you are posting your feelings here. There will be good days and bad days, and your reactions to things will be good/bad/negative/positive. It’s best to just give yourself permission to experience whatever it is you’re feeling. And it’s also ok to say you don’t know, or that you’re feeing scared. It’s OK.
I had Hodgkin’s Disease in my late 20′s. I was treated twice, the final treatment was high dose chemo and a bone marrow transplant. At the time you do feel like you are drowning. But what you and your fella are doing is what worked for me. I never became the disease. It did not define who I was and I never let it own me. Dark days will come but they will also go. The unknown is the hardest part. I can honestly say that once he starts treatment it will seem much less scary. This isn’t a fun journey but one that will change you both for the better if you can find the light in the darkness.
Laugh when you can. Love always. And know that the people from all over are sending positive thoughts, vibes and prayers your way. And we are always here for you.
I love the line in italics – so beautiful. But I do think you are extra wonderful and extra strong.
It is brave and courageous, not everyone makes the decision to float. Amy truly did say it the best-we’re all cheering for you from the shore.
Great post. :) I can kinda swim… Like, but I haven’t done it in a long time. I’m not sure I could save myself if I drowned. However, I hate the pool and the beach anyway… To many hotel horror stories and sunburns to make me love that sort of thing, so I never feel like I am missing out on anything.
I had never really dealt with cancer until my mother had it. And I love your comparison used… Very creative…
Never did look at it that way before–or, I had, but just not in the same words…
But remembering to stay calm and fill our lungs with air will keep us afloat.
Hi. I found this post from the 20SB feed. This post really resonated with me. I’m dealing with a close family member w. a serious illness also, and I know how hard it is to keep your head above water sometimes. Thank you for this post, and for reminding me that I’m not alone in this. And also for reminding me that I, too, can float :-)
This is one of those posts I’m going to bookmark and come back to when times are tough for me. As you know from my “secrets” and “Emails”, you’ve helped me more than you’ll ever know…. something that you said to me in an e-mail, that you had no idea that it was to me, was to just keep going.
Seems like your head is on completely well here. Even at times when it seems difficult to handle, together you two can do it all.
This is beautiful. I’m thinking of you and cheering from the sidelines.
I totally get everything you wrote, “this is just what happens” is so true it’s unreal. Thank you so much for sharing this and I’m praying for you and H.A.D.
You are amazing Brandy. Like everyone else has said, it’s the times like these that test us. I kept thinking of this Camus quote when I read your post, “In the midst of Winter, I found there was within me, an invincible Summer”.
Keep floating and I hope that the life buoys are never far away.
Brandy – you are so brave and strong, keep floating – don’t give up. The two of you can get through anything together, as long as you have each other. Big hugs.
So eloquently put – floating seems like it should be easy, but I know that it’s ridiculously difficult, even when it’s your only choice. I hope you know we’re all here if you need some water wings.
wow, what a moving piece. courage to you.
I think these 57 comments show the strength of your community rooting on your behalf!
Beautiful.
When I went through it with Mom, I pictured Dorey from Finding Nemo singing “just keep swimming, just keep swimming.”
well said.
http://mmfordummies.blogspot.com/
Hope this helps a little.
To keep going – that’s all you can do. Though you may not feel like it or know it, your determination to stay afloat is what keeps him afloat too. When he thinks HE can’t take it anymore, he looks at you and remembers why it’s worth fighting. That’s the beautiful part about the two of you going through it together. Neither of you feels strong, but you are both stronger than you know.
Sending love and well wishes your way (even though I’m a new reader). :)
Em
I don’t usually read blogs too often but I’ve had a really boring job for a couple of weeks. I’ve been surfing around and stumbled on yours. I don’t know how to say this without sounding tactless but it’s actually made my day. not because i’m a sadist but because it’s just reminded me of what stuff actually matters. Your writing is lovely to read and you are a strong and very inspiring character!
I am thinking heaps of positive thoughts for you and your H.A.D.
keep floating.
thanks and rainbows!
I can very much relate to your feelings. Describing it like drowning is exactly how I described it.
I am thinking good thoughs, and please know if there is anything I can do to make anything easier for you I will do it in a second, so please ask!
it’s so true, you do, just do it. you start going through the motions and it becomes a new “normal.” you’ll have a routine and outsiders won’t understand it but you will get through it. my brother didn’t have chemo or radiation because they are entirely ineffective with his type of cancer but we still do testing, doctor visits, etc. and his treatment was long and hard. the best piece of assvice i can give is to allow people to help if they offer, and absolutely talk to any counselors or support groups that come across your path. empathy and sympathy are two VERY different things. i’m still praying for you and yours.
So beautiful… and I do think you are strong. Thanks for sharing it with us. We are all praying for you and sending good thoughts to you and HAD.
[...] wonderful blogger, Brandy, recently posted the secret to surviving times when we are drowning: Floating. This week, the power of social networked blew my mind. People came together to make a [...]
Beautiful writing. It sucks that sometimes the hardest moments in life are the ones that make us the best we can be.
And as many have said, you have a collection of supporters cheering you on (including one in Philly).
PS: I’ve been blog-feed absent and am just catching up. Um, yeah, that clearly can’t happen again. Anyway, sorry for the silence.
[...] wonderful blogger, Brandy, recently posted the secret to surviving times when we are drowning: Floating. This week, the power of social networked blew my mind. People came together to make a [...]