Last night I thought about killing myself.

And not in the funny way. Not that there is a funny way to think about killing yourself I guess, but the thought wasn’t in line with the whole “I’m out of grapes again?! What the hell, I need to put myself out of my misery“. No.. it was not like that.

Not like that at all.

As some of you  know, HAD has broke up with me again. He decided it was too hard, skipped Christmas with my family (after buying his plane ticket to come here) and now wants me completely out of his life.  Even though he says he still loves me, even though we’ve made plans, even though I have his Christmas presents wrapped and sitting in my closet … he’s done. What I want doesn’t matter, or just doesn’t matter enough.

Nothing has changed medically for him. There is still cancer, still depression, still the macho need to do this all alone. Still a refusal to think anyone but him might be able to make this easier. And I guess that’s part of what bothers me. That I feel like I failed. At the most basic level, I failed because I wasn’t smart enough or articulate enough or wise enough to  just find the words to pull him out of his fog and show him that retreating from everyone isn’t the answer. I tried so hard to find the words, the words everyone knows- the words “You need to see someone. You shouldn’t be doing this alone.”, but however hard I tried to say that, however hard I concentrated, however long I drove down dark roads by myself sobbing and searching in my vocabulary for words to pull him out of all of this, nothing worked. And I feel like I failed my best friend. I feel like I failed both of us.

I’ve been sad before. I’ve wore sweatpants and alternated between eating everything in my fridge or refusing to eat at all.  I’ve stopped showering and dedicated my life to all night drives or all day Real Housewives marathons. I’ve cried and wailed and when I was too exhausted, I whimpered. But this sad is different.

It’s the kind of sad that makes you feel like a burden. To everyone. And the people who hear your sad story- the ones brave enough to listen, (many people feel this type of sad is contagious and stay away as soon as they hear about your hives that won’t heal or the sleep you are not getting) they try so hard to say the right thing. They tell you that they are here for you, that you can call anytime, that they are there for you. But the thing is? When you are this sad, or this type of sad, reaching out to people- even the people who have told you that they are here for you, is almost impossible to do. That’s what no one tells you.

Add to the fact that you realize, when it is time to reach out- that the group of those you can reach out to is much smaller. It’s easy to let friendships fall apart when you are worried about someone you love. And I’ve done that. More than once. So when it’s 4 am and you just want someone to say “brandybeans, it’s going to be okay“, you realize that you’ve demolished that friendship and there’s no way you can pick up your phone. So you put it back down. And you stare at it. And you wipe away your tears and go clean your bathroom. Again.

Last night, I told HAD I couldn’t keep doing this. He  had to make a choice to either keep me in his life or not- and if he picked the second choice, I was really going to be gone. And he picked the second choice.  As hard as it is to be dumped, add the idea of being dumped by someone who is dealing with cancer and depression, who dumps you during the holidays and who explains that he is dumping you only because he doesn’t want you to have to deal with what he’s going through. It takes the sadness up a notch. Or fifty notches.

People will tell you to let yourself cry. That you need that time to let yourself be sad. But I’ve cried. I’ve cried so long and so hard that I scared myself. I scared myself thinking that I might not stop crying.  I’ve cried until my eyes burned, and then what? Then I cried more.

Others will tell you to keep busy. I’ve done that too. I’ve organized and labeled and cleaned. I’ve washed and dried and mopped. I’ve vacuumed and sorted.  Scrubbed and folded. I’ve wandered grocery stores late at night comparing window cleaner. I’ve found myself scrubbing baseboards as the sun comes up. And when my hands were raw, I cleaned more. I’ve kept busy.

But last night I was too exhausted to do either. I felt like I broke my eyes, that I could not make another tear even though my heart ached. And I was too tired to keep busy, keep my mind occupied. And as I laid there wishing that I could just sleep so this would all stop, I found myself thinking the darkest thoughts I’ve ever had. Thoughts that make me ashamed today but are important to recognize.

I know I need help. I know HAD made his choice and even though the choice to alienate himself from everyone who loves him is the wrong one, he’s made it. And nothing I can say or do can change that.  That doesn’t change how much I love him and how everyday I will hope that he makes a different choice- not for me, but for himself. But I can’t wait for that day, I can’t stop my life while I wait for him to try and save his. I know this. I’m not really sure what my next step is, but I know I need to make one. I feel more alone than ever before and anxious beyond measure, but I will do it.

I’m not writing this for people to feel sorry for me. I’m not writing this for blog hits or people to send me emails. I just figured, that if someone like me- someone who is viewed as outgoing and happy and annoyingly cheerful 99% of the time could feel this low, that other people must have felt this low too. And must have been as scared as I was last night. It’s easy to write when things are going well. When the glass is half full, when the world is going your way. But? When you are feeling low, words are often harder to find for many people. So seeing that this could happen to anyone, and knowing that other people struggle with this type of sad too-  I thought writing something might make things easier for the next person dealing with this kind of sad.

(I thought about password protecting this post. I know HAD is going to read it and as selfish as it is- I don’t like that he will get to see how I am doing while I have no way to understand how he is doing. But I also know that it’s good for people to understand how depression affects people. And hiding behind a password protected post isn’t confronting an issue that I need to confront. And so, it’s worth it. And if you are reading this Jay? I do love you.)

77 comments to Last night I thought about killing myself.

  • That is very honest, and well articulated. You seem to understand what you’re going through on a logical and emotional level so well that you will without a doubt get through it.

  • Ah, I wish I hadn’t been passed out in a cold-induced haze when you sent me a text last night.

    I love you. And I love you for writing this. I think it’s always shocking for people to realize that “happy” bloggers like you and I struggle. That I took pills and drank too much alcohol and cut my wrists one August day because it seemed too much.

    The thing is though, people need you. And your story. And your life. You’re amazing. I wish I could fix this and make it better, but I do believe, truly, that you’re going to make it through this. And your heart will still hurt from time to time but you’ll be better and stronger.

  • Wow, what a brave post for you to write :) I’m not going to tell you that I know how you feel because I’ve heard that a hundred times before from people knowing that they don’t mean it, and it makes it worse. What I will say is that as long as you recognise your feelings and act on the positive ones and talk about the negative ones, you will be on the right path. It’s about choosing the right option for you whether that’s seeing a therapist, talking to someone close to you – whatever is best for you. And however ashamed you are of those feelings now, you WILL have helped someone, somewhere by writing this post :)

  • I am a long-time reader of your blog, and I know I don’t know you personally, but when I read something like this, my heart aches for you. But, seeing as how I am a long-time reader of your blog, I know that you will make it through this. It’s going to be hell, but you will come out the other end. I am proud of you in advance.

  • As someone who *has* been there, and wrote through all of it just because I had to, I get it. And I am proud of you for writing this. You’re more aware of your thoughts and feelings than most people would be.

    I am sending you tons of love and hugs.

  • I’ve been there girl. I’m very proud of you for writing this post. It shows you want to get better. See a counselor or a psychiatrist or go to your doctor. Get counseling, get medication anything that will help to lift you up so you can work through the issues without sinking down into them. It is going to take a lot of hard work but eventually after slogging through day after week after month you will wake up and see how far you have come. That, my dear, is the best feeling in the world.

    It WILL get better. You have all of us here who read your blog and who keep coming back to check up on you :) We are here for you.

  • You deserve more and you will get it. I believe that in my bones. Accept the help that this wonderful community will offer you. You don’t need to carry this weight anymore, let us help.
    *hugs*

  • The thing I’ve learned from my times of deep sadness, is that even though you may think those friendships are demolished, chances are they aren’t. Chances are your friends are your friends for a reason, and they understand you’re going through some shit and will be there when you’re ready for them.

    Of course, chances are not every person is as good of a friend as we’d like, so maybe some of those friendships are demolished.

    But really, you have people here. I’m here. The people commenting before me are here. And I know there are people who will comment after me who are here. And people who will skip the commenting and just email you, text you, call you.

    Brandy, it will be okay. I know you may or may not believe that, but it will be. Maybe not tomorrow or next week or even next month, but one day… it will be.

  • I know.

    I am really sorry you are feeling so terrible and I hope that you can get on to the path of feeling better soon.

    FWIW, a good therapist and Prozac saved my life a few years back. You have been carrying a huge burden with HAD’s illnes; it may help to talk to someone about it.

  • jen

    You’re an amazing little lady xx

  • When people talk about how horrible cancer is, I think people who haven’t experienced it only think about the physical effects on the person who’s been diagnosed. They don’t realize the psychological effects on both the patient and everyone around them. Cancer is a bitch. Point blank.

    My best friend was diagnosed with cancer and went through a long period of time in which he pushed me away. I think in some sense, he thought that if there weren’t people close to him, he wouldn’t feel guilty if he wasn’t able to fight the cancer. Like he would let all of us who loved him down. He still goes through long periods of time without communication when he’s not feeling well. I always feel helpless and frustrated during these times. But I’ve realized that I, like you, can’t cure the cancer or depression. You only have the ability to help yourself and make sure you’re taking care of you. And if you don’t? Then the cancer wins.

    Take care of yourself.

  • i know my situation is in no way comparable to yours, but i went through a breakup the other day as well, and a lot of him not wanting to be with me was because of his extreme depression and desire to be alone, even though i KNOW that isn’t what he needs to get better. and i feel like a failure because he told me i wasn’t making him happy anymore, which is all i wanted to do. when you mix in illnesses that really concern you about the person AND the holidays that are supposed to be filled with so much “cheer,” it’s nearly impossible to deal with. but you have to know that you’ve done all you could and there’s not much you can do in the end if it is what he truly wants.

    for the first time i know how hard it hurts to have your heart broken and feel completely helpless and like a failure. you will be in my thoughts and i know you can get through it. i haven’t read you a ton, or even talked to you, but you sound like someone who can come through and see the sunny side of things, so i know you will be ok. my dad always tells me that everything will be ok in the end, and if it’s not ok, it’s not the end. and so far he has always been right. *hug*

  • It’s the kind of sad that leaves you crying unexpectedly at a red light. And as you glance across the lane, you realize the man in the neighboring car is watching you. This complete stranger, witnessing you at your lowest of lows, points to the corner of his eye and moves his lips to say, “don’t cry,” a message passing between two closed windows and heavy evening air. You force a half-smile, face forward and plead with the light to turn green. So you can speed the rest of the way home, run through you front door, curl onto your sofa and cover your ears like a child scared of the dark. Because if you learned anything from those sleepless nights fearing Darth Vadar lived beneath your twin bed, it’s that you can survive this kind of angst and fear, loneliness and sadness.

    Hugs and kisses, Brandy.I was right where you are just a few years ago with Alaska. And in case you think you aren’t as strong as I know you are, my cell number is noted on FB. I always answer, no matter the time of day, for people I adore. And sometimes even for people I don’t. xoxop

  • Hang in there Brandy. I was in your position 7 months ago with a guy who had a whole different set of medical issues. I am just now starting to feel better. Most of my friends disappeared and the ones who stuck around just didn’t get it and were busy being wives and moms to really listen. Seeing a counselor would really help. In retrospect, I probably should have seen one then and sometimes think I should see one now…just to help me get back on the path of happiness.

  • nereida

    Ay…Take your time, I think sometimes you have to let yourself completely feel the hurt that you are feeling and sit with those feelings… Some days will be harder than others but you will begin to heal not in the way that you think…looking forward… but from somewhere behind you, where one day you will find joy in some little thing. That’s when you know you are getting better…

  • A bunch of other have said it and I’ll say it too, therapy really, really helps. I had my heart chopped up into a million pieces last December – guys have impeccable timing, right? It hurt like hell for a long time, but you just have to hang in there because it does get better. Take care of yourself, too many people will miss you if you disappear <3

  • Rachel

    Thank you for writing this – and even though it probably didn’t take even an ounce of hurt off of your plate – it will help so many others.

    There is no cure for the kind of sadness you’re facing, but don’t let it win.

    And HAD – if you happen to read the comments… dumping her doesn’t protect her from going through the hurt with you, it only makes it worse. Let her love you.

  • Thank you for sharing. I hope it helps you, and I know it will help other people.

  • The world is a better place with you in it than it would be without you. If I, a person who knows you only through the Internet can feel that way, I’m sure that the people in your life who know you personally would echo the sentiment very loudly.

    The only thing I can say to you is the advice that Maude gives Harold at the end of Harold and Maude “Now go out and love some more”.

  • Erin

    One day at a time. That’s the only way through, facing one day and only one day. Then the next day, you start over again, with that one day. I wouldn’t wish what you are going through on my worst enemy. Sending tons of cyber hugs and love your way, may it help heal your broken heart even the tiniest bit. xoxo

  • Sending you an internet hug. I don’t really have much else to say, when I went through my divorce it was just such an intensely personal thing. I don’t know how to else describe it and while I appreciated advice and support, it’s like it just barely scratched the surface because it was so personal and no one could *really* understand it or share it with me.

    If you ever need someone to listen, email me, I’ll give you my number, you can text me in the middle of the night if you want. I won’t say I’ve been there because I haven’t, this is your experience, but I’ll listen to you talk about your experience all day long if you need it.

  • (((HUGS))) You are amazingly brave for putting everything out there for us to see. Your post touches my heart.

    I hope that 2011 is the new start that you need. I hope that each day gets easier for you and that you find the joy that you deserve so much.

  • your story has broken my heart from the beginning. it might seem really strange, because i hadn’t been reading for very long when this all started happening, but i have cried for you. i am so sorry you’re in so much pain. thank you for being brave and honest with your story. i think more people than we’ll ever realize have been in these places. **hugs**.

  • It is brave to talk about it, even braver to go for help NOW. I lost a sister to suicide 12 years ago and it is the saddest thing in my life, each and every day. Please go tomorrow and let me know you did….please. XO

  • Hold onto that 99% of happy. I know your heart is breaking. I know.
    I am not living your story, and whilst I may not understand it all (let’s face it, you are the only one who totally understands) I do feel for you and understand some of it.
    I know heartbreak and the despair of helplessness.
    And I know and hate cancer.
    And I know there are days when it doesn’t seem possible that life has dealt these cards, and all you want to do is escape from the world and all it’s pain.

    To write about it like you have, and shared it like you have, is brave and incredible and generous. And I’m sure it reaches out and touches all your readers, as it has me.
    You are amazing Brandy.

    All I can say is take it one day at a time, and just remember, it may feel like you are alone, but you are surrounded by people (many bloggers you may never even meet) sending you love and support.
    Big love and hugs to you.
    xxx

  • thank you so much. You have no idea how important it is for me to read this right now. Sometimes it just feels so lonely. I normally don’t comment on your site, but I do read it, and I have to tell you how much it means that you are brave enough to confront this publicly. I wish I had that kind of strength. Good luck and keep us updated.

  • Fen

    I failed because I wasn’t smart enough or articulate enough or wise enough to just find the words to pull him out of his fog and show him that retreating from everyone isn’t the answer

    You haven’t failed at all, only HAD can do this for himself and until he does, no one on this earth can do it for him.

    Look after yourself, take it slowly, know there will be bad days, but there will also be good days.

  • Sharon

    It’s the first day of a new year of possibilities…so I’m sending you love and hope. Hope, no matter how small, that the future will be brighter.

  • Oh Brandy. What a brave, brave post.

    You need to know that you have not failed, in any way. Some foes can’t be beaten, but either way, this is not your test to pass or fail.

    I wish there were some way around feeling what you are, but you’re right, you just have to get through it. And I have no doubt that you will.

  • jenn

    i usually only lurk around here, but this post really touched me in a way i’m not sure i understand.

    i’m not going to tell you that things will get better, or that i know what you’re going through. in a time when i experienced great loss – i wanted to slap anyone who said those words to me because when you’re dealing with something as traumatic as you are – you simply can’t comprehend how things will get better (and there’s almost no use trying) & literally no one on earth besides you understands how you feel. people can sympathize, and a select few can empathize – but only you truly know the feeling in the pit of your stomach.

    i can only say that recognition of your emotions and feelings is such a positive first step and that if you know you should get help – make sure that you do. for as sad as you are that HAD is no longer in your life – there are a lot of people who would be just as sad if you were no longer in theirs.

    i hope 2011 can become a happy and hopeful year for you.

  • Everyone here said really great things so I won’t repeat, but I will say one thing that I learned a few years ago when I had someone leave me after I tried really hard to keep him and be what he needed:

    You are NOT responsible for the decisions and actions of others. Relationships are a two way street and even if you give it your all – he has to give it his all too and sometimes, they just aren’t capable of doing that. That is NOT your problem or your fault. It is his deal.

    You will be wonderful for someone someday. Wait for him and keep your heart open to him.

  • Darling,
    If we were neighbors, I would be nursing you back to health with endless salted caramel hot cocoas, lots of really awful television, and really good home-cooked comfort food. (Little known fact: I’m an EXCELLENT cook.) I’d even rent a puppy and we could cuddle with it on the couch with our pjs and wine. These are the cuddliest, warmest, feel-goodiness feelings of my heart and if I could give them to you, I would in a moment.
    Hugs. Love.

  • You don’t know me, but I’ve followed via Google Reader for a little while now. I want you to know that I haven’t been as low as thinking of taking my life…but I have been to the place where you feel like you failed someone because you couldn’t help them make it better. While SwingKid’s problems are very different, they are very real and they affected our relationship all the way down to the roots. I have yet to figure out how to articulate exactly what I feel. Every breakup situation is so different and I’m not going to pretend to be able to know EXACTLY what you are going through. But I KNOW this – you are going to bounce back. this WILL make you stronger and you will find a healthy relationship that won’t pull you down and make you feel like a failure. best of luck.

  • jen

    i am so sorry for you but i want to thank you for putting into words that sadness. i have been there one too many times and know that is does get better, writing this post i think is the first step. my thoughts are with you and may 2011 be much better than 2010!

  • karijo09

    Thanks for sharing. As others have said, it was very honest and very well articulated. I have been there…and it’s hard to pick yourself back up and go back out there. But understanding how you’re feeling is the first step and I’m glad that you see how you’re feeling and you know you need to get some help. *hugs* I know 2011 will be great.

  • Long-time reader – I very rarely comment but Brandy, this post was incredibly raw and real and I have to say, I hope you know you have SO MUCH good vibes heading your way right now.

    Depression can utterly cripple someone and I am glad to see you can recognize what it is doing to you on a rational level. I hope you are able to get the help you need to get through what is one of THE worst things a human being can emotionally experience. I remember how I felt during my worst break-up and I can’t even articulate how much strength I know you have in you to keep putting one step in front of the other.

    Sending you all the positive thoughts in the world in hopes you will be able to feel them. Take care of yourself. <3

  • Fawn

    Long-time reader, first time commenter.

    I love you and love your writing. I’m sorry this is happening to such a wonderful person. You can and will overcome this. Getting help is crucial but so sitting with this and letting it wash over you, acknowledging it.

    Like someone said previously, you haven’t failed. He has to do this on his own, you’ve given it your all.

  • Ebony

    We all feel this sad. We all feel this low.
    The way I see it, you’re either going to die, or you’re going to get through it, and 99% og the time, you get through it. No one has ever died just from sadness, or heartbreak, or embarrassment, or loneliness. So we must get through it, somehow.

  • I’ve been to the scary dark places and back again, and it hurts my heart to see you there right now. You’re already two steps ahead of me when I was there, because you seem to have a good grip on reality and you still have some logic to hold on to. The maddening thing about cliches is that they’re often true, so forgive me for using one now: it will get better, it always gets better. Time’s a bitch but it’s amazing what it can fix. Hugs. <3

  • So brave of you to post this. Being dumped hurts at the best of times but knowing the person loves you and STILL did it… that must hurt even more.

  • brandybeans, its going to be okay…
    You are strong and you understand what you yourself are going through. This is a tough time, but you just need to talk to someone and get it all out. We are all here for you..

  • tofflee

    I haven’t read your blog for a while and you are very courageous and brave to share everything. I hope writing it all out has helped you but you seem to have already figured out what you need to find your way out of this place. I will be thinking of you.

  • jpryan06

    In the end it’s him that’s being selfish. You’re a grownup girl and you have the right to make decisions on what you can/can’t handle and what is fair/not fair. Him making those decisions for you is selfish.

    I’m sorry it ended this way.

  • Kim

    I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. Depression has a way of creeping in and taking everything good away in life. I’ve lived with it for about twenty years. I’ve been where you’re at. And as trite as it sounds, I know from experience that it does get better.

    You’ve definitely not failed in any way shape or form. You’ve done the best anyone could in a bad situation.

  • I am sure many have said what I am going to say but these sorts of things can be heard repeatedly for good measure.

    I am glad you wrote. Hiding our sadness helps no one. It’s so private and personal, the journey of grief, so lonely. Even when people are there for you, it’s lonely. Because it’s a feeling so deep inside that no one can reach it, try as they might. Sometimes we just have to feel our way out of it baby step by baby step.

    I am so sorry you are heartbroken. I am sorry that HAD is so depressed that he is pushing everyone away. That’s sad for him and for you. But you don’t deserve this. You don’t deserve to be pulled in then pushed away. You did not do anything wrong! There is no right thing to say or right way to act when dealing with a depressed person, a person with cancer- which I can only begin to fathom what that is like for him. I hope someday you are able to see you did nothing wrong in this. That the love you gave/give to HAD was/is a beautiful gift.

    Keep reaching out. Keep cleaning. Keep writing. Cry if need to. Do whatever it is that keeps you moving forward.

    This is me sending a very big hug to you.

  • Erica

    Wow. I am reading this after a sleepless night where I too felt the desparation of having no one there to reach out for support. The morning always lifts that awful veil of desparation a bit, but you put into words how frustrating it can be.

    I cannot fathom your pain… the pain of cancer on top of heartache. Mine is under the sickness of alcoholism and my inability to help makes me feel helpless too.

    Thank you for this post…. I needed to see im not alone.

  • I’m sorry you’re hurting. I’m sending you a very long hug. *squeezes eyes shut and vibrates with the effort*

  • Amy

    There’s a huge difference between thinking about killing yourself and actually doing it.

    I don’t know if this is strange, but I use suicidal thoughts as a sort of comforting fantasy. Things can be very bad and when I want I can get away. I tried repeatedly to kill myself years ago and it never worked so the act won’t come. I have too many things to live for, but the thoughts are nice all the same.

    Hang in there.

  • LesleyG

    Brandy, I think you need to ge

  • i emailed you before this, and then i read this, and we’ve chatted, and i wrote you again… and still… im here. and i love you.

  • Being dumped is bad enough. But what you have gone through…I can’t even imagine. I’ve been at the type of low you’re feeling (circumstances obviously not the same)…I would never wish it on anyone. But you are so strong to write this! I know I never could find the words to reach out to anyone when it was my own personal hell.

    You are a warrior, and you will grow stronger from this. I hope you can feel all of the hugs I’m sending your way. :)

  • Hey lady… Get yourself to a doctor, sweetie. Depression is no joke. Yes, you have a million good reasons to be sad, but that doesn’t mean you deserve to suffer alone. Cleaning supplies do not a support system make. I say this with love and concern and as someone who has gone through periods of major depression. Call a friend, tell her what’s going on, have her make the appointment for you if that’s what you need to do. Shoot, I’ll do it if you need someone.

    Much love, hon. Keep us posted.

  • I greatly admire your courage and strength in writing this. Sometimes I wish I could open up and let everything I’ve been holding in go…best wishes during this difficult time.

  • I’m sorry to hear about how upset you were. I’ve been that low and felt that bad and it’s not easy to get out.

    You know we’re all here for you, in one way or another

  • I wish I could give you a hug. If you want to do something crazy and flee to Hollywood for a getaway, I’ll give you a place to stay and bake you cookies and we can watch all the Harry Potter movies one after another.

    I know the feelings you’re feeling. 3 1/2 years ago, I discovered that my live-in boyfriend got his (married) college girlfriend pregnant. While we were dating. The pain is paralyzing, I know. You summed it up perfectly with the word “burden.”

    What saved me was therapy, plain and simple. A good counselor can help you see the light again in a way that no friend really can. Is this something you would consider? I honestly feel like I wouldn’t be where I am today without it.

    My only other tip is to force yourself to be exposed to joyful things. Make yourself watch funny movies. Make yourself read good books. Books helped me a lot because they occupy your mind and keep the dark thoughts away. Buy yourself flowers. Cleaning is a good time-waster, but it’s probably not doing a lot to nurture your soul. Treat yourself the way you would treat a friend who is going through what your going through. And if you need help, book a ticket to LA. XO

  • OH HONEY. OH HONEY. I know this one ALL TOO EFFING WELL. Emailing. xo.

  • There is so much more to depression then just being sad. People don’t get that unless they have faced it themselves. People often wonder why someone who committed suicide didn’t ask for help. Why didn’t they think about all the loved ones that would grieve for them? Because when you are severely depressed, you don’t believe anyone would care. It is so lonely and terrifying. Please hold on. Keep going. Keep writing. Keep crying. I wish I could offer you some wise advice that would take all your pain away but there is no such thing. All I can say is, even though you don’t know me, I am here for you. Email me anytime you need someone to listen or care. ((((Lots of hugs!)))

  • rondamarie

    This brought me right back to the night when I contemplated suicide. It was after a break up, after weeks of anxiety attacks, sleepless nights, tears that just would not stop. I wrote notes to my family and to my ex, I had a plan. In the end, I couldn’t figure out what would happen to my dogs if I were gone, I couldn’t form a plan that made me comfortable enough to leave them without guilt. I feel asleep trying to devise a plan. The next morning when I woke up, I called my mom and admitted to her that I was depressed, that I was in over my head and that I no longer felt I was able to help myself. I got help. I did not spend time contemplating it, the good-bye notes to my friend and family were all the proof I needed that getting help was the only way I would get better. Get help. Get it now. Forget pride, forget that you may not be able to afford it, forget what anyone else might think, just get help. You won’t feel better right away, you won’t start sleeping better right away, you won’t stop crying right away, but you will get better. You will.

    I had a framed print sitting in my living room that said simply “all you have to do is stay” and that became my motto, staying in this world became a challenge, but I broke it down to that simple concept, all I had to do was stay. That’s all you have to do.

    I know you have people coming out of the woodwork offering you help now and I will do the same, if you need someone to talk to I would be willing to help. Take people up on their offers. Get into survival mode and fight. It will get better.

  • Kathryn

    Brandy – I can’t tell you anything that you don’t already know or that has not been covered in the comments. But please know that YOU have not failed. In no universe have you failed. Also, therapy is a wonderful thing. Hugs to you

  • christel42

    Welcome to the BIG, SCARY PLACE. I wish I could tell you it gets better, but WTF do I know?! Just keep on pluggin’. *hugs*

  • We will be here to help you carry your burden. No complaints, no questions, no hesitations.

    Just love.

  • [...] Which is why I don’t know why more people don’t talk about it. Last night I read Brandy’s beautifully written post about her struggles, and realized that it’s not fair that we box ourselves in and cut [...]

  • NTE

    I’m sorry. And I hope that you know you are cared for and loved. Thank you for writing your post.

  • [...] Grace: Fear Is Part of Staying Alive Jenny: Dancing With Demons and Finding the Light Brandy: The End of 201 [...]

  • you are beyond brave to be this open about how low things have gotten for you. i’ve been there … i’ve been so low that you feel like you will never get out, never see the light, never be happy again …. you know what i’ve learned, i’ve learned that like so many others have said you do not need to carry this around anymore, talking to someone will work wonders, talking to someone professional will give you a sense of peace or a sense of being on the road to peace…it gets better, i know its so beyond hard to believe right now but it gets better…you are not alone!

  • I have read this post no less than 4 times and each time it’s punch-in-gut wrenching. I literally bowl over. I feel like I’m right there in with you feeling the pain of this situation. Goddamn, how you wrote about it is so moving. I don’t even know how to give a worthy reply except that I admire how hard you tried and the attitude you are trying to take. Thank you for sharing. Keep writing. The way you express yourself is incredible.

  • Oh and in case it wasn’t clear… sending you a big cyber hug. Hang in there…. xoxox

  • tia

    xoxoxo

    i know many other people have said this, but i think you definitely need to go talk to someone. if HAD did what he thought he had to do, now it’s time to do what you need to do for yourself, for your own sanity and wellbeing and just BEING.

    time heals all wounds blah blah doesn’t mean shit when you haven’t slept in 4 days and you just invested in $200 worth of cleanser for a bathroom that doesn’t need cleaning.

    do something for yourself so you can be yourself again. and you’re not alone. promise.

  • [...] dusty marriages, and failed relationships. A blogger I follow – the love of her life just broke up with her before Christmas. And I stumbled across a blog last night about a girl – her fiancé broke off the engagement [...]

  • angelasw

    You’ve written it. Now go get the help.

  • Denise

    I’ve been in this place for completely different reasons, but when you get to the point of those dark thoughts it’s all the same. Thank you for writing this post.

  • *hug* I think it’s important to get it out. You are so brave.

  • *hugs* It’s all I have to offer, but I hope it provides a small amount of comfort. Thank you for your bravery.

  • [...] it’s KILLER). But mostly I wanted to share this so people who find themselves right now where I was- see what it’s like when you come out the other [...]

  • [...] The highs (hello grade 3 burritos, I adore you!), the lows (cancer? depression? what?) and the so lows I’m not sure I’m ever going to be able to lift my head again.  (And let’s add in [...]

  • I’m so glad you’re still here. The world needs people like you in it. Never forget that.

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