Here is what’s up

Obviously I’m lacking in my usual wit when that is what I can come up with for a title to this post after 34 minutes of hard, squinty-eyed staring at my computer while listening to my go to source of inspiration (*Taylor Swift on repeat).

It’s been a day. It’s been a week. Hell, it’s been a last 12 months. Yesterday started out great then turned into one of the hardest days in my entire life. It involved breaking points, furious texting and confirmation that insurance companies are douchebags. That makes me sound insensitive but I assure you- that’s not the case. I think it’s just… a person can only take so much before they can’t even begin to express their sad anymore, you know? It’s like you reach full throttle sad and suddenly all you can do is make a joke because your eyes are literally out of tears and your body cannot heave another sob. With all of that said, I’d go through this again in a second. Some people are worth it. HAD is one of them.

It reminds me of a field trip I took with my class two years ago to the fire station. The firefighter explained that in a serious accident, if someone is on fire- eventually they stop feeling the pain. It’s the body’s way of protecting itself. Eventually you will just shut down and your brain will protect you from experiencing more than you can bear. I feel like, in many ways I’m there. I’m not sure if it’s good or bad to be there. But I’m there.

I’ve have so many emails to respond to- (over 640 alone regarding my letter writing project), many regarding my last post. I did go to the doctor and they said that the hair and nail loss is definitely stressed based (then I gave everyone a high five for gold medaling in BEING OBVIOUS) and I go back this Friday to do more testing and possibly go on medication. So that’s that.

In other news, I registered for #Bisc. Because every year since it started I said I was going to go and because I’m pretty sure that people who love The West Wing as much as I do are going to be my kind of people. Besides, it’s Vegas. I’m sure Mubarak and I could be friends in Vegas. (JUST KIDDING. DON’T SEND ME HATE MAIL).  It’s unlike me to register for something like this out of the blue, but it seemed like something I needed to do. So, I’m going. And you should too. Because I’m currently roomate-less. (LADY, ARE YOU LISTENING?).

Speaking of all things blogger, um… I found out the other day that I’m up for two 2osb awards. Funniest Blogger (which? I honestly have to say made me laugh out loud considering that my last five posts have all dealt with pretty much the saddest things ON THE ENTIRE PLANET) and “Least Likely to get marked as read”.  My blogging is sporadic (to be kind), so I’m not hopeful or expecting anything to come of this- and really- I mean that. This isn’t me Susan Lucci’ing you all, I just am totally flabbergasted that I got nominated. If you are a member, please vote. Not for me, but who you think deserves it. Because if there’s one thing that makes me want to punch a baby, is reading all those posts AFTER voting is over where people say they are unhappy over who won but they didn’t vote. Reading over the nomination list I also realized that holy hell, I know only roughly 1.3432% of the bloggers nominated.

Lastly. I’ve been working on being grateful for the things I do have and the people who have showed up for me when I was (am?) falling apart. I realized how lucky I was while gchatting with Nicole and mentioning to her how I was a wee bit apprehensive about #BISC due to the fact that I’m currently battling the sads. And she said something about how even if I did get sad? That I’d be around caring people and would have so much support. Then we started talking about liquior and life sized cut-outs of Josh Lyman and then things got CAPSY. But what stuck with me (other than the idea that Vegas now needs a life-sized cut out of Josh Lyman) is that Nicole is right. I know this. I know this because while everything around me has crumbled- it’s been you who has been there to answer 3 am texts and calls and respond to my 5th email of the day saying I’m sad. It was so many of you who I turned to last March when I sat in Seattle and this Christmas while I stared at presents that didn’t get unwrapped. It’s been so many of you that knew how much I needed an email and reached out and sent care packages and cards and DM’s. So thank you. If this paragraph got a hastag it would be #thankyouforgettingit OR #bloggingcommunitiesftw.

And now I present the longest thank you ever. With link love that would make anyone impressed…

Thank you Miss Brookem. For checking in daily, for all those emails and for CONSIDERING TO BE MY VEGAS ROOMMATE.  Thank you Laurie for your kind words, for Love Harder, for always saying what I needed to hear. To Amy for sharing so much and introducing me to WhatsApp- which has made my life so much better (and cheaper! Hello free texting to the USA!). To Renee who made me laugh and looked up flight costs and for a care package that could not have been more perfect for me. To Beth and Shannon who answered every email I ever sent- no matter how redundant or how sad (and Shannon, I really think we need to continue our plan to form a Babysitters Club). To Garnet who sent me emails throughout January that were read over and over again. To Ben, who wrote an email so… genuinely heartfelt that got printed out and stuck in my bag to read when I’m at my lowest.  To Andrea, who dealt with sporadic and random emails where I complain about not sleeping. To Lesley, who reminded me of what I’m worth. To Rachel who left a comment that has stuck with me through everything- “Accept the help that this wonderful community will offer you. You don’t need to carry this weight anymore, let us help.”, that felt like.. such a relief the first time I heard it. To Miss Jamie who made me feel less alone (get thee to Vegas, wizarding talk awaits). To Maxie for her email and for the Josh Lyman photo that will forever be burned into my brain. To Nicole, for giving me something to look forward to. To Sizzle for the kind words that came just when I needed them. And to every other person who has emailed or called or texted. I have over 600 emails from people- each sharing an address and sometimes a story or joke or offer to send me cat youtube videos and I am thankful to every single one of you.

AND OR COURSE, TO JOSH LYMAN FOR REPLYING TO ME ON TWITTER.

I think that’s it. A thank you worthy of an Oscar. My work here is done.

*You are sad that I didn’t throw in a “JUST KIDDING” after that, aren’t you?

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