Let’s be clear. I didn’t come up with this list while quoting Gandhi and emptying out the entire contents of my bank account to give to a third world nation. I actually started this list to remind myself how I want to try and live. I easily get caught up in bad habits- and thought tattooing “STOP SWEARING LOUDLY WHILE SHAKING YOUR FIST AT BAD DRIVERS” to my forehead was extreme and a bit too long for my tiny forehead. So I wrote a list to remind myself of how to behave like a normal human being. Some people create vision boards to live their best life and achieve their dreams. I write lists on post-its reminding myself how to avoid being an asshole. Everyone has a method.
How To Not Be A Shitty Person
Alternatively Titled: How To Win At Life
1. Tip as though your grandma was your waitress.
2. Stop sending forwards. Unless they include topless photos of Ryan Reynolds, just stop. Just stop. No really, stop.
3. Whenever you are talking about someone, imagine they are in the same room as you. Adjust your words and thoughts accordingly.
4. Don’t say “I apologize”. Say “I’m sorry”. And explain what you are sorry for. In detail. And never do it again.
5. Unfollow Charlie Sheen. And if you are thinking about buying tickets to his tour, consider Wil Wheaton’s dream: “I wish everyone going to the Charlie Sheen Pay Attention To Me Tour would skip it and donate the ticket price to a battered women’s shelter.”
6. Realize that the last time it was cool to be indifferent to your own life was when “Reality Bites” hit the theatres in 1994.
7. Never follow up the phrase “I love you” with the word “but”.
8. Love your mom- Listen. She let you live in her womb for 9 months rent free. She pretended that coloring page you ripped out and scribbled on as an adorable tot was worthy of the Louvre and at Christmas she let you open your presents first. Unless your mom counts Kathy Bates character in *Misery as her role model- cut her some slack. And give her a call! She misses you.
9. Don’t laugh at anyone who is doing something you can’t accomplish. This includes **country line dancing.
10. “Be Kind. No Exceptions”. (via this gorgeous woman)
11. The bride is always right on her wedding day, the newborn baby is always adorable and your best friends ex-boyfriend is always a bastard.
12. Sign your name to everything you write. Too often “anonymous” is just another word for coward.
13. Be friends with the kind of people you want to be.
14. Don’t explain why you are a vegetarian while someone is cutting into a steak. Alternatively, don’t explain why you love being a carnivore when your friend is making you a vegan dinner.
15. Don’t pull out your acoustic guitar unless there are requests. Even if you wrote your own song. Especially if you wrote your own song.
*Scariest. Movie. Ever. I almost pee thinking about it.
** It’s dancing without having to touch the sweaty hands of strangers! WHAT’S NOT TO LOVE?!
What did I miss? What are your rules for winning at life?
(Update: Look at how pretty my ramblings about Kate Hudson and facebook look when someone who is talented frames them on their blog! So talented! Thank you Alexandra)
“I” statements work. (You know, “*I* feel neglected” “*I* would prefer not doing the dishes tonight” “*I* feel attacked by your guilt trip, DAD.”)
Tailgating doesn’t get you home faster.
Give people compliments, ESPECIALLY if they’ve given you one recently. This means you should totally keep track (and you probably do anyways, but this time do something useful with that information).
Don’t say “I don’t care” when you actually do. It’s okay to announce that Thai food sounds revolting tonight and why oh why can’t we just order a pizza and eat our faces off?
Always say thank you, no matter who it is. And hold open doors. And smile at others.
You’ve hit the nail on the head here, Brandy, and then you following it up, Renee. Seriously, ladies. I wholeheartedly agree!
Two more for the list: Be gracious. And don’t bring others down because you feel bad about yourself. (We should be lifting one another up, not down.)
1. Lose the ego. There’s a difference between self-confidence and being a bitch. Learn it.
2. Clean up after yourself. Literally and metaphorically.
3. Eye contact counts. Put down your phone. Look at people who took the time out of their lives to be with you. I can ALWAYS tell when people are not focusing when I’m talking to them. Pay attention.
4. Say please, thank you, and I’m sorry. Every. Single. Day.
Give up your seat to the eldery, moms/moms to be, and disabled.
Send a written thank you note.
RSVP. Always.
Be on time.
Apologize sincerely if you are late.
Call ahead.
Keep a list to remember significant events, birthdays, anniversaries, etc.
Resist the urge to be snarky to facebook friends
Don’t interrupt someone else’s story.
Share
Be nice to secretaries.
Return borrowed items clean and in a timely manner.
No name calling.
Remove screaming children from public places of enjoyment.
Don’t talk down to anyone.
-children
-morons
-your significant other
-employees
Listen.
Don’t discuss religion or politics in polite society.
Err on the side of over dressed
Use The Registry
Leave things how you found them.
When you’re a guest, Be selective with requests.
Bring a hostess gift
Comment on blog posts you enjoy. ;)
Don’t make fun of people less fortunate than you.
Find something positive to focus on every day – even if the only thing you can think of is “at least I’m alive and live in a house” is all you can muster up during tough times.
Always find ways to grow and stretch yourself. Being out of your comfort zone is important sometimes and you’ll be better for it. If you don’t make an effort to be strong and find out what you’re made of, you won’t end up being made of much.
Never stand by if someone is in danger. Make an emergency call, tell someone who loves them, interject when something’s wrong.
Don’t lurk on blogs – leave a comment or ‘like’ a post.
You’re awesome! These are so sweet and funny. And very good advice. I always hate myself for gossiping, although I don’t really say nasty things about people. I should have #3 tatooed on my hand.
omg, I thought I would just die of happiness after reading this! I feel inspired. I love the additional comments of others as well. Thanks!
Great post! #3 I am trying to work on.
And from the comments I have to watch interrupting a story being told.
Also glad that you are posting often again. :)
Thank you! (Also, so happy to see more posts from you. I missed you.)
I love this list! I’d add always reply to emails, even if you’re really busy and the reply just says “i’m really busy but I’ve received this and I’ll get back to you asap”
I love this!! Sosososo many of these apply to me, but you say them better than I ever could!
I also especially love the “Tailgating will not get you home faster” from the comments. I should probably write that on my steering wheel.
Just wanted to mention a “yeah, thanks” to all the good suggestions!
2. I can’t believe people still send forwards (including my father, who sends like 10 a day).
9. Line dancing is the only kind of dancing I’m actually good at :-)
This list makes me happy!
I freaking love this. amen.
I’ve always follow the cardinal do on to others as others would do on to you. I’m adding some of yours to my list.
This. Is. Awesomeness. x1,000,000.<3
Yes number 11!!! Be polite. Say good morning, good afternoon or good evening to everyone you encounter. Smile. Get off your phone when you interact with people. Even if it’s when you are ordering Starbucks.
Oh my gosh, I totally agree with this. I was going to list my favorites and why, but I just agree with so many of them! Great list!
Graciously accept compliments and return them. This shows respect for the person saying them and for yourself.
Also, numbers 7 and 12 are my faves.
When things aren’t that big of a deal??? Don’t make them into a big deal.
It makes life so much easier.
I love your list. And I would like to add “Don’t send someone you don’t know rude emails about their blog. You don’t know what’s really happening in their life.” Or even better “Don’t be rude. You don’t know what’s happening in the other person’s life.” I need to remember that myself.
I completely agree with Melissa on “always respond to emails.” And I’d add: Stop checking evites/facebook invites to see who else has responded before you RSVP.
absolutely love this. all of it. and you as well. woo.
So, so good.
My note to self:
Resist the urge to give unsolicited advice. Do you like unsolicited advice, self? No. No, you do not. It makes you feel like the advice-giver thinks you’re not smart enough to figure it out for yourself. So just keep your mouth shut, nod comfortingly, or say “I’m sorry, dude. That sucks.”
To get all Ghandi: Be the Change You Want to See in the World.
Open doors when people’s hands are full and they are clearly could use a little bit of help.
You rocked my world with the sheen comment.
YES on number one! The healthiest way to communicate is with “I feel” statements. And it’s very, very important to remember that “I feel like you…” is NOT a feeling but rather an accusation. Anytime you catch yourself starting to say it, revise your thought and come up with an actual feeling.
These are excellent! Thanks for sharing.
such an awesome list!!! (including the additions in the comments)
My How Not To Be An Asshole-ism:
Be conscious of the words you choose to say, where you choose to say them, and who you say them to. You never know who is listening.
My dear, I really do think you need to publish a book.
I would probably add some environmental or animal-friendly things to the list like, “If a bug or spider is in your house, don’t squish him. He’s just lost and needs you to relocate him outside.” And maybe something simple like, “Try real hard to be kind to the earth. It’s been your home for __ years.”
This is the best. You are the best.
I want to print this list out and tape it up everywhere I go! Well done – I think everyone needs to be reminded of these every now and then…
Spend your time and energy creating, not criticizing.
[...] this girl (I mean, she has dressed up as a pirate for her class and wrote a kick ass guide on How To Not Be A Shitty Person!) but love? This seems a bit too personal for only online contact, no? Enter the word [...]
This is wonderful. I want to make copies of it and post them all over the world. But seriously, I will print out a copy and carry it in my wallet. <3
LOVE this!
[...] few months ago, I wrote a post called “How To Not Be A Shitty Person“. People enjoyed it. In fact, I got a lot of thank you emails from people who decided to [...]