Let’s be clear. I didn’t come up with this list while quoting Gandhi and emptying out the entire contents of my bank account to give to a third world nation. I actually started this list to remind myself how I want to try and live. I easily get caught up in bad habits- and thought tattooing “STOP SWEARING LOUDLY WHILE SHAKING YOUR FIST AT BAD DRIVERS” to my forehead was extreme and a bit too long for my tiny forehead. So I wrote a list to remind myself of how to behave like a normal human being. Some people create vision boards to live their best life and achieve their dreams. I write lists on post-its reminding myself how to avoid being an asshole. Everyone has a method.
How To Not Be A Shitty Person
Alternatively Titled: How To Win At Life
1. Tip as though your grandma was your waitress.
2. Stop sending forwards. Unless they include topless photos of Ryan Reynolds, just stop. Just stop. No really, stop.
3. Whenever you are talking about someone, imagine they are in the same room as you. Adjust your words and thoughts accordingly.
4. Don’t say “I apologize”. Say “I’m sorry”. And explain what you are sorry for. In detail. And never do it again.
5. Unfollow Charlie Sheen. And if you are thinking about buying tickets to his tour, consider Wil Wheaton’s dream: “I wish everyone going to the Charlie Sheen Pay Attention To Me Tour would skip it and donate the ticket price to a battered women’s shelter.”
6. Realize that the last time it was cool to be indifferent to your own life was when “Reality Bites” hit the theatres in 1994.
7. Never follow up the phrase “I love you” with the word “but”.
8. Love your mom- Listen. She let you live in her womb for 9 months rent free. She pretended that coloring page you ripped out and scribbled on as an adorable tot was worthy of the Louvre and at Christmas she let you open your presents first. Unless your mom counts Kathy Bates character in *Misery as her role model- cut her some slack. And give her a call! She misses you.
9. Don’t laugh at anyone who is doing something you can’t accomplish. This includes **country line dancing.
10. “Be Kind. No Exceptions”. (via this gorgeous woman)
11. The bride is always right on her wedding day, the newborn baby is always adorable and your best friends ex-boyfriend is always a bastard.
12. Sign your name to everything you write. Too often “anonymous” is just another word for coward.
13. Be friends with the kind of people you want to be.
14. Don’t explain why you are a vegetarian while someone is cutting into a steak. Alternatively, don’t explain why you love being a carnivore when your friend is making you a vegan dinner.
15. Don’t pull out your acoustic guitar unless there are requests. Even if you wrote your own song.
Especially if you wrote your own song.
*Scariest. Movie. Ever. I almost pee thinking about it.
** It’s dancing without having to touch the sweaty hands of strangers! WHAT’S NOT TO LOVE?!
What did I miss? What are your rules for winning at life?