Let’s just start out by saying this. I’m not 100% percent bitter, only about 83%. And not at all moms. Just 31% of them. But a title called “Why I’m 83% Bitter at 31% of Moms” gave my math phobic self severe heart palpitations.
One of my favourite bloggers once said “everyone has something”, a statement referring to the idea that each person is going through their own battle- a notion that has really hit home with me in the last few months. Bloggers with children are no exception. I read a lot of blogs of women in their 30′s and 40′s who are slugging it out with family and life and health and jobs. And sometimes it gets too much and they write about needing extra help for managing depression- therapy, daily mediation or medication. When they post about being depressed or overwhelmed they are applauded for being honest. When they post about taking time for themselves, they are revered for making themselves a priority. When they share that they have started therapy or begun medication, there’s a standing ovation and if you can listen closely you can hear angels singing sweet praise.
But if you are childless and in your 20s? It’s not the same. It’s been my experience that a person in their 40′s who is a mother and writes about depression and medication is treated differently than someone in their 20′s who is writing about depression and medication. There’s this idea that a 20 something hasn’t lived enough to really know what depression is or that a person in their 20′s really can’t possibly be as stressed or overwhelmed with their life to require medication because being in your 20′s is about 2 hour mani-pedi appointments and nights out that always resemble a Bud Light commercial.
Which baffles me because you know what? Being a 20 something is really fucking hard sometimes. Hell, being a HUMAN is really fucking hard sometimes. As a 20 something, you battle new jobs, new loves, new moves and the whole battle of “WHO AM I AND WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY ENTIRE LIFE?”. It’s in your 20′s that suddenly the world expects more from you than you ever imagined. You make choices that will affect your whole life- furthering your education, moving, traveling, settling down. You start accumulating your first awesome truckload of debt through student loans, mortgage payments and/or the addition of a vehicle that doesn’t have a Wilson Phillips bumper sticker. Add to the fact that your parents are getting older, you are competing with a facebook full of friends who married their kindergarten sweetheart and insist on uploading a picture of them happily kissing ever 3.4 seconds and shit gets real very fast.
It’s in your 20s that your heart often breaks for the very first time. Not a tiny crack like in highschool, but the kind of Earth shattering break that still catches your breath when you think about it. It’s in your 20s that you realize your life may not end up how you always wanted it to be- or that the life you want will require more of you than you ever imagined. Work demands more of you because you are new and are supposed to be eager and able to work 28 hours a day and live on Redbull and the notion that in 30 years, this will all be worth it because you will have a corner office.
Yes, being 20something can be overwhelming. And if you have great friends, family, stable brain chemistry, a delightful work situation, Suze Orman approved finances and you refuse to sign up for Facebook, it can be manageable. But sometimes it’s not. Sometimes, regardless of age- life takes you gently by the hand, leads you to the nearest sidwalk and curb stomps the hell out of you. For many, the remedy to that kind of pain and depression comes in the form of therapy or medication. Sometimes both. Sometimes it comes in the form of vodka tonics on a Tuesday afternoon while you wear an orange caftan and pretend to be Rachel Zoe. I’M NOT JUDGING.
Obviously I’m not saying that one age group over the other has feelings or circumstances that are more valid when it comes to needing help. Far from that, actually. As someone who is in therapy and is taking medication, I realize that depression is like lightening- it can strike anyone given the right circumstances. What I am saying is- someone in their 20′s can be just as in need of help as someone in their 40′s and should be equally celebrated for getting help. I refuse to live in a world where universal acceptance of those requiring medication or therapy to battle depression is denied based on age. The idea that one age is more acceptable to get help than another is not only sad to me, but also seems dangerous. Not just dangerous to the people who are young and are avoiding getting help because they don’t want to appear “spoiled” (and yes, that’s a term I’ve heard used more than once to describe 20somethings in therapy), but it seems dangerous to all of us- that regardless of our age that we can’t embrace the idea that at some point, everyone needs some goddamn help.
I’m going to put on my orange caftan now. It will be bananas.
It’s posts like this that make me want to dry hump your blog for like, an hour. Minimum.
Great post – you really make some good points. I am a 20 something who is going to be a mum in November for the first time. I guess I’m straddling both sides of the fence.
I started my new blog as this is a new chapter of my life (pregnancy and the crazy that follows afterwards), but I have been terrified of going down the “mummy blogger” path. I’m still 20 something me with a stupid sense of humour.
I had a shit year last year and because of people who are age/life stage snobs I felt guilty every time I felt depressed, overwhelmed or angry about the situation. I felt like every person with kids was just going to look at me condescendingly and think, “You don’t even have kids – wait till you have kids. Then you’ll get what struggles are.” and some did.
So not cool.
I am determined to not ever get like that. Everyone of every age group/life stage has their own struggles. Just because you can look back one day and laugh at how far you’ve come since then, doesn’t make the struggles less real, less devastating or less earth shattering. It’s what growing is about.
I applaud you for being so honest (even if you’re not a 40 something mum haha). It’s what I’ve been afraid to say all this time xo
well said – ditto for when you are in your 40′s, single & childless – what problems could I “possibly” have, what with no children or husband to teach me these things? of course my life is perfect, nothing but rainbows & unicorns & calorie-free chocolate :) the last time I wrote about my actual feelings of having lost my mother and the fact that y father had a new girlfriend (5 months after she died)??? I was drawn & quartered blog & twitter comment style to such an extent that I haven’t written a word since.
There is a lot of pressure and stress in your 20s. Being in your 20s is so full of instability now. No completely permanent address/home, often crap housemates, lack of steady routine, being poor, that lack of certainty and purpose while you’re figuring out your career, your love life, who you are and what you stand for. Your 20s can be very lonely at times as well.
A mum in her 30s/40s at least has that. Her own house, that she doesn’t have to share with strangers or creepy or annoying people (children don’t count!). Routine. A partner (quite often anyway). There is a lot more stability then, of self and general life circumstances. But I absolutely agree that parenting is a stressful job. I know I’m not ready for it yet and I would struggle a lot with it.
There are contributing factors at both ends of it. Depression and anxiety and all those lovely things don’t discriminate. And since when is suffering from a mental disorder some sort of competition anyway? That is really quite messed up. No one is more or less “worthy” of suffering and seeking help. Anyone who needs it should get help, regardless of whether they are a 20-something or a mum with two kids.
I almost wonder if it is not that you are not getting applauded for talking about it b/c “what could you possibly have to be depressed about” but maybe that mommy bloggers tend to support and encourage one another more. I think mothers in general quickly learn that they have to rely on one another. You suddenly need a circle to teach you how to do the things that are supposed to come natural, you need friends to take your children off your hands before you lose it, you need others to talk to who know what you are going through and can help you through the each stage.
Depression has nothing to do with what is or is not happening in your life, but about a chemical imbalance. Even kids go through depression. I actually would say that it is sad that communities work together more to help others through these hard times. To help them up when they are struggling.
I definitely think that there are times when mom bloggers can be united but it’s been my experience that there is a strong and powerful group of 20 something bloggers who support and rely on each other just as much. And when writing to them- the support is there. As someone who wrote about her boyfriend having cancer and watching thousands of dollars be raised for him, I really believe that.
My issue comes with when someone outside the 20 something community comments or emails or talks in person saying directly (or implying) that anyone in a particular age group doesn’t necessarily require therapy or medication because of their age or lack of experience because of their age.
I agree, chemical imbalance is a cause of depression but there are many factors that can also play into a person becoming depressed enough to require help outside of caftans and vodka. Thanks for your comment!
Bravo.
Everyone looks at each other through their own lens. Sometimes I find it hard to step outside my admittedly rose-colored life thus far and actually let it sink in that there are people my age who have dealt with shit I can’t even comprehend. Just last night I watched an episode of Intervention where this chick just had crappy thing after crappy thing happen to her, all before her 18th birthday. Some people live through more hell before they’re 25 than some others will ever have to deal with through their entire life. It’s not fair, but it’s real.
And confession: I detest, detest mommy bloggers and moms I know IRL who pepper their blogs/tweets/facebook posts on how hard and awful their life is because they’re a mom. I get it, it’s challenging. It’s a 24 hour job. But hello? What were you expecting? Do you really need to tell us once a day how much it sucks? I start to feel bad for the kids. I’ve had to unfollow a blogger because I couldn’t take another complainy tweet about her motherhood woes. For some reason mom complainers bother me more than any other kind.
I like this post very much. You know from our talks and from my blogging about depression and medication that I join in the struggle. I’ve dealt with depression since I was in 4th grade and the stigma associated with needing mental health care has dogged me most of the time since. Until I was in college in fact, it actually kept me from vocalizing what I was going through and from seeking help. What I finally realized in my 20s was that while situational factors certainly play a role in depression for many people, there are others like me who simply cannot cope because of purely chemical factors. It’s like having diabetes. My brain simply cannot function in the manner for which it’s intended and affects me behaviorally and emotionally. It feels good to admit that now that I’m 31 and to talk about it with my family, friends, and boyfriend. Still, it surprises me every once in a while when someone insensitively says “maybe you’re just bored and need a hobby.” Oh, if it only were that simple!
I hope you’re doing well and that this post wasn’t prompted by any recent negativity you’ve received. I’m still amazed at some of those mean emails you get! You know you can always call or email if you need to chat or vent.
Staying off FB was one of the best decisions I made. And since going back, being ruthless with accepting people as friends has also been great. But yes, I get your point, and hadn’t thought about being a 20 something as that point when lots of changes happen.
I would say that my dad (a cool and “with-it” 50-something….so he’d like to think anyway) summed it up perfectly when he told me that the world is a very different place for 20-something’s now than it was 20 or 30 years ago.
This isn’t me making excuses for 20-something’s (seeing as though I am one!), it’s the observation of a grown man who has watched my cousins through their 30s and 40s and now my sister and I through our 20s and 30s.
Life is hard for everyone. But maybe harder so for us because the 10 years after we leave school / college / university are now struck with seemingly irrepairable debt, the stress of having no jobs, parents who can’t afford to keep us at home (because theyd never expected that they might need to), and we’re surrounded by people (friends) all in the same situation, which is just going to compound things. Err…and then add in the mess that relationships can bring, realising you’re going to have to deal with death, illness, people having kids….and all that gritty grown up stuff and we’re basically screwed.
Relationships are harder because of distance (which is great because you get more choices of a boy/girlfriend but horrible because “distant” sounds so far away and it DOES NOT keep you warm at night) and the “who’s he texting now!?”.
I think the other difference is that as 20-something’s, growing in the now, we actually talk about this stuff – there was no Internet when our parents / older friends were growing up, there was no texting your friends at 3am to say you were having palpitations because you couldn’t stop crying! I don’t necessarily think older generations are ever going to get it….
But my dad does…so it means we can’t all be wrong, right!?
(want to borrow my dad?)
Right. Because mid-30-40-something Mommy bloggers who have husbands working as high-powered professionals so they can be SAHM’s and blog in their free time as they ferry their kids around in their Lexus SUV, wearing Lululemon yoga pants and drinking designer coffee have SO much to be depressed about. Because OMG the shop was out of organic strawberries! MAH PRESHUS babies are going to DIE!!!!
Okay, not really. Please note I’m *obviously* being sarcastic. And no, I don’t know what it’s like to be a Mum. But it’s been said time and again, despite many arguments to the contrary, being a 20′somthing today is FAR harder in the physically measurable quantification’s (housing, food costs, societal change, education costs, debt, petrol prices, expectations) than it was 30 years ago. Add in the social culture we were raised/parented in and the expectation that 20-somethings can’t reasonably be depressed is just a lot of bullshit.
Personally, I wish more 20-somethings were as level-headed as you and accepted they need help and went and got it RATHER than getting 2 hr pedis and self-meditating with alcohol. I think, possibly, this stigma comes from the fact that when you’re in your 20s, you’re stubborn (not you as in you but you as in 20 somethings in general – I know I was when I was in my 20s!) and you think you known better and can do better than those who came before you. It’s not a bad thing to be like this – and for some it works out. But for others? Not so much.
I wish I had been able to recognize my issues 6 or 7 years ago and sought help then. So I applaud you that you’re able to admit and accept you need help. Because there should be no shame in that.
Also, I agree that the mom-blog community has large tentacles and that may be why you see more of their applause for one another than other blog genres.
I’ve never commented here before, just read and empathized and related. The first time I went to therapy was in my early twenties after my heart shattered so badly I thought I’d never find myself again, and I didn’t even know who I was.
Then nearing thirty, my only daughter almost died and we spent 150+ days in the hospital praying for her to live.
That was the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
But back when I was 21 and in therapy? THAT was the worst thing that had ever happened to me at that point in time. I hated how judged I felt for getting help, I hated everyone telling me that it was just a break-up, that I’d meet someone else, that it would get better. Sure, all those things happened in time. But at that time, I was a mess and what I just went through with my daughter doesn’t make that time any less of what it was for that period. It’s all relative to your situation at the time. There will be things at different stages of life that knock us off our path and cause us to question everything we ever believed in. Why does love walk away from us? Why do babies die? Why do people get cancer? Something, always something.
I don’t have a lot to say on the topic. Just wanted to tell you that one day you’ll be all those things that people used to say to me. And you’ll trust with your heart again and you’ll love and you’ll live fully. But you’ll never forget this. You’ll always remember this, and you’ll know that you are strong.
Amen!
As the wife of a counselor, YES PLEASE YES.
We have far, far too much of a stigma attached to mental health counseling at any age. We don’t share that we’re going to counseling and we don’t encourage others to go. Working at a high school, I’d talk to parents and suggest counseling (often for eating disorders), and both parents and child would balk.
It’s hard to admit you’re not perfect. At any age. (Also, are these people not aware of the very (relatively) high rate of suicide among teens? Does that negate their pain and suffering because they are ‘ONLY 17′? That’s a very dangerous mentality.
I’d love to go to counseling (for various reasons), but then I have a child to deal with. Perhaps therapists should have child care options. Hehe.
Also, I must be a selfish mom, because I don’t really feel like being told, ‘Way to take time for yourself!” would make sense since I pretty much always do that. ;) Ha.
I would love to say that I was an emo teenager, but it was more than that. I took scissors to my arm a number of times. I would cry and wail for no good reason. I would stay up til 5am and sleep til 3pm. I was scared. A lot. And confused even more. By the time I was 16, I was on an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety prescription. And when my abusive boyfriend cheated on me, his justification was, “Renee, Amy is just as depressed as you are.” Oh, okay.
Had I lived enough in 16 years to experience depression? Oh fuck yes. So the depressed moms that are giving you shit in your 20s need to fuck off. Yes, living with a baby is difficult but probably much more rewarding than just trying to make it through the day without a bundle of cuddles.
I like this.
Standing ovation from a 20-something who’s lived through all of those stressors you list plus a bucket more. Yes, world, we’ve got some shit on our plate, just like you. I have been married, I have been divorced, I have been a college drop out, a full time student, a full time employee. I have wondered how the heck to pay the bills and I have been so lonely some nights I couldn’t sleep. I have watched my parents’ relationship implode, seen my little sister get herself involved in some awful shit, seen friendships I thought I would always have dissolve, and figured out that life, sometimes, is just really fucking unfair. I have not lived in the same address for more than two years since I was 18. Christ, I just want some stability some days. So yeah. It’s a stressful decade. I don’t mean this to sound all awful and poor me, because you know, I’ve had some really great things happen to me too, and right now, I am happy with my life and some things are really coming together for me. But goddamn it took some clawing, kicking and screaming to get there.
i just googled “orange caftan”- should i know what that is? am i living under a rock?
that’s not the point of this post, i know. you’re on to something here, and i couldn’t agree more with the fact that depression and anxiety and mental health issues in general pay no attention to age. and it shouldn’t be looked at from that scope. just as you mention 20 something’s are looked at differently in regards to this, so are elderly people for example. the bottom line is, at any age, at EVERY age, depression and mental health stuff is just as big of a deal. those that applaud one age group over another for seeking help probably just have a big misconception of this. and that’s sad.
I think some people spell it kaftan. They would be ridiculous to do so. It’s sort of like a long dress/ robey outfit that is often worn in the Middle East. It’s like a tunic, but longer. And they hide my food baby.
I loved this post. Truly. I have been struggling with undiagnosed depression since I was 14, simply because I am afraid of the judgement that will follow if anyone in my family finds out I went to therapy. My friends are great though, and I am a big fan of your and many other blogs… Even if I rarely comment. Thank you.
Depression doesn’t depend on what age you are or how many kids you have or what your marital status is. And, only ignorant people will judge you based on your circumstances (what they can see.) Depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain. When you have it, you have it. A lot of the time it’s hereditary. I just wish that when I was 20 I was courageous enough to reach out for help (because lord knows I needed it)… instead of waiting, ignoring, coping, plugging up the deepest darkest holes in me and just wishing for a more stable life.
I’m happy you are getting help and wish you all the best for the rest of your 20s and all the years to come!!!
:)
I’m a 30 something mom, but I wouldn’t say I’ve gotten tons of support when it comes to depression. I’m fairly open about taking medication, and the fact has been mostly ignored. No one has said I don’t need it, but there also hasn’t been a huge amount of support. I’ve seen other bloggers – moms – be applauded for saying what amounts to “fake it until you make it” (which I think is so dangerous).
Personally, I don’t think it’s a 20 something – mommyblogger thing. I think blogs of all kinds have the “you go girl” commentors, but that support is very individual to that blog. I think in general, depression is still viewed as something people can think their way out of and that medication isn’t necessary. You might hear “you’re in your 20s, what do you have to be depressed about” but I might be told “you don’t even have ‘real’ cancer, what do you have to be depressed about?” Those that “don’t believe in depression” will always have their reasons that supposedly explain why they think you/I/she/he can’t really be depressed, and it sucks that there are still so many “non-believers” out there.
oh, so much to say.
yes, i agree with you and everyone who says that being in your 20s is hard and way different from the way it used to be. i used to regularly see these lovely elderly folk, and we would chat. they explained how different it was in their youth, how you found the job you would work for the rest of your life right out of college, how you settled down much earlier. life had a lot more stability, a lot sooner. freedom and choices are awesome, but they come with stress, decisions, and problems.
although i don’t always fully embody it, i do believe in my heart that we must respect each person’s individual struggle. judging anyone’s worries/fears/problems/issues as small or insignificant is not really fair – anything in this life is relative and subjective to experience.
i had this problem for the brief times i was in therapy too. all i could think walking into the counselor’s office every week was, “they just see me as another whiny new york brat” – eventually, that was part of the reason i just quit. only one of the two honestly gave me that impression, but has always been a fear. it’s hard enough to confess that you feel unable to deal – it’s even harder when you feel judged for that decision.
Life can be hard no matter what age you are and braveness means admitting that you need help and getting it. I think no matter what age you are, deciding to get help is admirable and shows strength. People aren’t meant to do it alone and sometimes people forget that everyones life is hard and everyone has a valid reason for needing help. I totally agree with you, and I think you are pretty awesome and I hope you know this!
I can completely relate. Even my own family has their doubts that medication is required for depression or anxiety. All I know is that it helps and I feel a lot better than when I don’t have medication to help stabalize the crazy back and forth emotions. Thanks for putting this out there. It takes a lot, in my opinion, to put things out there like this. Been reading for awhile, love your posts :).
It’s “BA-na-nA’s” silly!
I’ve been battling depression since I was a teenager and only just realized it. In high school I had allll sorts of fun nick-names. “Holly Hormone” “Angstey Holly” Okay, that last one sucked but I WAS called that. It makes me angry now because those nicknames were given to me by adults. Shouldn’t it have been obvious I was battling something greater than just the suckdom of teenagery? I don’t know…
My point, albeit rambling, is that I know where you’re coming from. I’m sorry. I think you are so amazing for not only getting help, but also putting it out there and most likely inspiring other fabulous twenty something woman to get help!
I think it’s also a maturity level. I know some twenty somethings that think depression and anxiety and other thins are “for old people” or “made up” or silly.
I once wrote about depression but left comments closed because I refused to be praised for discussing a personal issue.
This is a really fantastic, wonderfully written post, & after all the great comments I hope my thoughts won’t be incredibly redundant.
Having dealt with depression & other related issues my whole life (since these things are often genetic or passed down in other ways), I applaud this post. As much as there is still a strong stigma to getting help at any age, there does seem to be an emerging acceptance among different age groups. There have been a lot of advocates from that mommy faction that have helped pave the way to bring that acceptance to those dealing with it (whether it’s post-partum or otherwise). I definitely agree that the “31%” you mention has taken that acceptance to an unhealthy extreme to where it seems they are the only ones who are extended that acceptance. It’s a shame that anyone would look at someone else’s situation & say that it basically doesn’t count or isn’t worthy of attention. That’s actually a very dangerous way to go about things, actually. I remember being told once (by a family member, of all things) that my cutting myself was a cry for help or attention, which couldn’t have been further from the truth. You don’t know someone’s reasons or problems until you listen. Because while some people, including mommies & 20somethings, really are just trying to get attention & are probably the one that are brushing aside those with a real need to share their feelings or requests for help, there are so many more that legitimately need someone to pick them up & say “We are going to get you help. We are going to get through this.” That’s the type of acceptance we need to bring about for anyone & everyone dealing with these very real problems, whether it’s a chemical imbalance or seriously negative circumstances or both. I am so glad that you are getting the help that you need to battle that darkness, as well as finding support from others & I am sorry that there are those out there that have tried to make you feel that your age somehow makes your depression invalid.
XOXO
This is really interesting to me- I’ve never come across women who are older being treated differently than 20 somethings who are going through depression or other emotional/mental problem but I haven’t read a lot of blogs where the blogger is going through that kind of challenge.
I think that what’s important is that we give each other support. When I blogged this fall about how I needed to start therapy and medication for my anxiety and depression I received an outpouring of support that was really amazing- but I think there is serious stigma for people who have medication as part of their solution.
Without medication right now, I’m non-functional. I can’t get out of bed, I have crippling chest pain and everything is incredibly hard. I can’t work without it. I don’t want to need medication, but my brain chemistry isn’t a weakness or a choice. No one’s is- no one wants to be that way. It really baffles me when people have made comments to me along the lines of “well that’s good for now, but… [begin rant with no understanding of what that feels like]” and I would be interested to know if that’s something that older bloggers and older women face too.
I think that there’s a stereotype out there in general that people in our generation are lazy and spoiled, and I wonder if that’s where this is coming from. No matter what it’s source? That’s really not cool <3
Amen to this. People need to understand that it is not a choice or about being spoiled, it is often about brain chemistry and how it handles different situations happening throughout our lives. Even if a situation seems miniscule in comparison to someone elses situation or problems, everyone handles these things differently and often has zero choice regarding how it affects them and their ability to live.
I try to not bash on other bloggers but sometimes mommybloggers make it really difficult. No, you are not more special, or more successful or more entitled to respect or anything because you pushed some babies out of your vagina. Good for you, but get over yourself. I might not have 3 kids with me all day but I work for myself and I work really hard and I happen to be really proud of what I’ve done, even on the days I am exhausted, overwhelmed and sick of it all.
Basically I just really loved this post and really appreciate your honesty.
First of all, being in your 20s kind of blows. I really think the 30s are much easier – but I don’t have kids, so I’m sure that could make the 30s just as rough as the 20s. I think anyone who goes to therapy should be celebrated because WE ALL NEED IT! Seriously, the world would be such a better place if everyone would either get into counseling or start taking something to even out their body chemistry. I applaud you for not being afraid to do this. I WISH I would have gone to counseling in my 20s – it would have made them a lot easier and probably would have helped me find happiness a lot sooner. I don’t know who the people are that you’re talking about in terms of champions for the 40-year olds/judges of the 20-somethings, but you gotta just tune them out. They should probably be in therapy themselves!
As an unmarried, childless twenty-something that deals with anxiety on a daily basis, I was touched by this post. Thank you for saying it.
I love your posts. So brutally honest. I think ANYBODY who seeks help when they are going through depression, regardless of age, lifestyle circumstances or gender are incredibly brave and should be applauded. These things happen. We can’t help that. Seeking help is something we CAN do and CAN help.
And I agree, when I was in high school and going through some tough times adults used to say to me “oh wait till your older, that won’t even matter then” but even now that I’m “grown-up” looking back high school and middle school were still some of the most painful times of my life and the things I was going through WERE hard to deal with. I hope I never look down on another persons problems, regardless of age.
Yes, fuck yes. To everything you said. People at work are always like “why are you anxious/depressed/overwhelmed, you can do anything you want, you are in your 20s for gods sakes!” What they don’t know is that sometimes life feels like a whole heap of clusterfuckery and you can’t always figure out which way is up or down. Just started reading your blog, and frankly, I think I am in love with you. And your comment about facebook childhood sweetheart photos is DEAD ON. If I see another baby photo or kissing pic with the caption “OMFG we are so lucky and in LOVE!” I may have to throw my laptop out the window, except let’s be real, I will just hide them from my news feed.
I hate the double standard that exists for people that have kids vs those that don’t. Seriously. Just because we haven’t reproduced doesn’t mean we don’t have problems.
Honestly I think it’s really hard to be a 20something right now, because there is all this pressure on you to BE MORE. To do everything.
Ironically enough that’s kind of what the blog post I wrote last night is about, but I haven’t posted it yet. I’m not sure it makes sense. I might find a way to work in a link to this, because… VALID POINTS.
You know, I think pretending to be Rachel Zoe might be way more effective for me than xanax. Do you think my cat will mind if I start referirng to him as “babe”?
First Brandy, I love your honesty!! As someone who battled with depression in my teens and twenties, I totally agree!! I was always so afraid to tell people, especially after a few particularly scarring comments what I was dealing with. Luckily, I had a great (small) group of girlfriends, and a great boyfriend (husband now) who encouraged me to get the treatment I needed.
I also, agree with Lisa, I think it depends on the person and the support staff they have around them – I know for my SIL who battled extreme postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety after she had my nephew, didn’t have that. Most people thought it was all in her head (including close family members) or that she could will herself to feel better. I knew differently. Helping her through that process forever changed our relationship – in a good way. I think until you go through depression yourself or watch someone you love be affected by it, you really just don’t get it. Kids or not.
A-freaking-men. No one’s problems are any more or less real just because of their age and supposed “life experiences”……
I don’t have anything to say that hasn’t already been said, but I had to say SOOOMMMEthing, so here’s this:
I love you.
I love you for actually bringing this to light. To a very small degree I agree with unicornbeauty in that a lot of the support that comes from the mom bloggers is from mom bloggers, but I also totes agree that there’s a different tone about 20 somethings.
I think my favorite way to do something about it (if one wants to do something) would be for me to comment more. I tend to be bad about commenting. I’ve been thinking about it a bit lately and this post only reinforces my previous conclusion that I need to just make sure I comment more.
Let’s all do it!
I just have to say, as a soon to be 40 year old mom who reads a mom blog (i did not even know it was one because the writer is so darn funny) in which the writer takes meds…I love your post. Probably because I have a 20 year old daughter who i watch trying to be a responsible adult when part of her still wants to be a kid and I work really hard to walk the line between letting her make her own decisions without my input and being there for her when she wants it or makes mistakes. Growing up is hard. I could not imagine trying to do it in the world today…so kudos to all young people who are working their butts off just trying to get through each day.
Brandy, don’t let anyone diminish your experiences and your feelings. You’re an inspiration and have shown us all so much courage and strength through your writing (even if you don’t feel strong and courageous). Hugs to you, friend!
I already replied to this on twitter today but I just wanted to further reiterate that this really hits home for me today. I’m currently dealing with a loved one who has depression and its super hard on the both of us. I kept nodding while reading it, because I can completely identify with it. So, thank you for that <3
i love this… so much.
I’m really glad you posted this. So often I hear people in their teens and 20s being told that they haven’t lived enough to be depressed. They have no real responsibilities, so what could they have to be depressed about? What a crock. Depression and anxiety don’t solely have to do with life experiences, and even if they did, I know 14 year olds who have had more “experience” than 40 year olds. Personally, my early 20s were really rough for me. I experienced a verbally abusive relationship, scary break up, and a really nasty bought of depression. Because I owned up to my depression, admitted I had been in therapy AND taken medication I was denied my spot in the Peace Corps for medical reasons. Total crap. I think being able to say out loud that you are/have been depressed shows a good sense of self and a willingness to make things better.
Now, as for the mommy thing…I’m kind of with Lisa on this one. I see a LOT of moms (not necessarily bloggers) who are encouraged to fake it ’til they make it. I’ve seen a lot of moms admit they are struggling, but who force a happy face because that’s what being a mom is “supposed” to be.
So here’s where I say something that will piss other moms off but we all know how I feel about mommy bloggers so ‘eh’.
Right now I’m in the middle of a housing crisis with possible court fights. I should be freaking out, I should be tearing my hair out, I should be losing/gaining stress weight.
But I’m not.
My big reason are my kids. I am blessed with two wonderful kids that are full of smiles and love.
A mom is never alone, sometimes that can drive us crazy, but when we feel like crying or freaking out we have the ability to get hugs. Does it cure us? Heck no, but it’s better than sitting alone with all our problems.
THANK-YOU!!! I am a 29yo 17year+ bi-polarite, I appreciate your brutal honesty. I attempted therapy on multiple occasions throughout my battles, but always felt the same judgement: she’s young, she’ll get over it, she’s still figuring out who she is, she is just a girl who doesn’t know what she wants. Typical adult therapist projections onto a young teen & 20something.
So I quit and went the medication route and never looked back. Things are much better now.
However, I think that people need to distinguish between being (legitimately diagnosed) depressed and being overwhelmed with stress. With all of the shit that we are bombarded with on a daily basis, it’s so easy to become overwhelmed and stressed- to the point of not being able to function. But stress is a temporary set-back. It is something that can be overcome, and let go of.
Depression – no matter who you are, how old you are, what your situation is etc – is an inexplicable disease to those who have never suffered through it. It’s debilitating. It’s ruthless. It’s darker than anything you can ever reveal. It’s not something to be dismissed as a ‘you don’t know what it’s like because you haven’t ….’. Like you said: Everyone has something. And it’s not up to us to determine whose ‘something’ is worse than someone else’s.
If we could just listen without judging…
I totally agree. Although it’s not just bloggers. My sister had a baby two years ago, and now I can never complain about anything when I go home. Because someone will always point out that she has it worse. Come on, I can have problems too!
When I was 20something, I fell into that depression pit. So much so that I completely collapsed in a Skipper’s restaurant. There, amongst the tartar and cocktail sauces, I lost it. I got help, but I remember that feeling. It haunts me still. Ugh!
I don’t care the age, everyone needs a standing ovation. And chocolate. Given to you from a naked Ryan Reynolds.
You are the awesome – I couldn’t have said it better myself. I hate (I feel like this is a bad word to use here, but what else?) the judgment that stems from those who have taken a cursory look at my life and deemed in wonderful and simple. Then they tell me there’s nothing that could possibly be wrong because I don’t have kids, have always had food and water and heat, and have a good family and awesome friends, and DON’T YOU KNOW THERE ARE STARVING CHILDREN IN AFRICA AND YOUR OWN BACKYARD SO WHY ARE YOU BITCHING?!
Well, up theirs. If your thirties are the okay time to bitch about the choices you’ve made and the consequences you now suffer ( and survive through finally-socially-acceptable means like you described) because of them, your twenties are the decade of existential crisis that led to those choices. Don’t they remember how hard that was?
So incredibly amazing. Thank you.
This is my first time to your blog, and What A Post!
I am a 44 year old mom. I don’t blog about it because, well, first? It’s been done. And because I want my children to tell their own stories when (and if) they want to do so. I occasionally blog about stuff that is getting in my way, both on my site, and on a mental-health blog called BandBackTogether.com. Anyone who joins can blog there, and I think you would find plenty of support as opposed to Troll stuff with regards to struggling at any age.
I personally would NEVER return to my late teens and early 20s as, to date, it was the most difficult time in my life. But, because I had neither children nor a partner, I worked really hard on being okay which, in my case, meant a hospitalisation (self-imposed) and lots and lots of counseling. The skills I gained from struggling through a mental illness caused by neglect and extreme bullying (both at home and at school) in childhood have ensured that my life post 25 is not only manageable, but mostly enjoyable. But I have to practice the skills I learned (like taking care of myself, not holding issues in but rather addressing them, avoiding people (including parents) who cause too much chaos and damage) in order to maintain a balanced and healthy life.
My wish for you is that you too gain the skills (and medicinal balance, if that is what you need to be healthy) so that you experience the range of feelings that include as many (or more) positives as negatives. Let me tell you, as someone who spent my early 20s sorting, filing and re-learning, regardless of whether others judge you or not, you do not have to do your 20s again (yay, win!) and the time you put into the hard stuff later ensures that you will not be like my mother, still in the depths of a life-long depression at 73 that has impacted not only her own life, but those of the four children she brought into this world. Keep up the good fight! I totally am cheering you on!!!
That is so true! Yesterday I mentioned to a colleague that I was worried about a friend who was sick. She asked with what and I said that she was depressed. The reaction was not very heart warming. It was more like “oh”. And I was annoyed. Depression has to be accepted as a disease that can affect anyone, regardless of their age.
I cannot tell you the times I have felt ashamed because I don’t think the reasons I am depressed are ‘bad’ enough and so many other people have worse but that type of thinking doesnt help me. Its only when I accepted that it was okay that I actually went to doctors and got the help I needed.
Turning 30 was awesome only in that people stopped saying “Well, you’ll understand when you’re older.” They want to say it, but maybe the snarly way I say I’m 30 makes them back away from the angry, angry woman.
Most of my older friends will agree that being in your 20′s SUCKS. None of them want to go through that crap again, unless they have their 40 year old brains inside them and even then, I think all that “wisdom” would just make everything else seem all that more tortuous.
Good on you for taking care of you!
Yes!!! Couldn’t agree more. That is all.
I completely agree. And it’s funny, because I never realized why I sometimes feel bitter or maybe it’s because I was like, “Well, I’m not a parent yet, so…” I’m not sure.
But you my dear, articulated so damn well.
This is a beautiful post. I hate when people belittle what you’re going through. We all do have our own battle and it’s also not up to US to judge the other person. Ah, I love this post!
I remember going to the doctor at 24 saying, “I think I have an anxiety problem.” She laughed at me … LAUGHED! Now, 7 years later, I’ve finally be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. It would’ve helped if my doc took me seriously.
It’s good to recognize our quirks and neurosis and to listen to them, whether you’re 20 or 40, with kids or without. The sooner you can begin working on them, the more stress-free years you get to have!