I have a blog?
What wonderful news!
Seriously though, the last month has been a whirlwind of pie baking and sleepovers and dress freakouts and pictures posed while modeling 1 am lush flush. There’s been swimming in clear water, fighting grasshoppers and napping under trees. There’s been last minute speech meltdowns and celebratory high fives. There’s been gasps over the dress, sighs over the kiss and a successful mission to recapture a flower girl gone rogue.
Originally, my plan was to try and keep life sane while preparing to watch my best friend get married- though eventually through both desire and circumstance, I dove off into the deep end and became fully immersed in all things wedding. Everything else took a backseat as I contemplated which mouthwash looked best in the bathroom kits and how to artfully walk in heels that were so high an elevator was almost required to reach their top floor.
This worked for me, because while the wedding was taking place- while I was surrounded by couples who had actively made the choice to be together it, I had a lot of time to think. To notice that couples who are happy are couples who actively work to make their partner happy. To at times, put the needs of others above their own. That happiness- really is a choice. To realize that at the end of the day, a girl doesn’t need to ‘grow a pair’ to make a hard choice, to make a brave decision- she has a pair. And although I’m leery to attribute bravery to body parts, I’d take my boobs over a pair of balls any day.
And so, at 3 am fueled on icy beers, creamy shots and a mystery drink that tasted like grapes, I made the choice to put myself first. To stop making someone a priority if they couldn’t do the same for me. It’s been days since my alcohol induced ultimatum and although one never wants to a) give ultimatums while burping Sex on the Beach shots or b) be a girl who gives ultimatums in the first place, his refusal to do something that scares him is more of an answer than any words could be.
It’s been years of back and forth, up and down, give and take. It’s been months of trying to convince someone to want the same things as me. It’s been a lot of sleepless nights wondering why I could never trump fear, why I was never worth a leap of faith. It’s been too long.
It’s August. And I’m starting over. And I’m completely by myself. And I will be okay.