Oh hi.
I have a blog?
What wonderful news!
Seriously though, the last month has been a whirlwind of pie baking and sleepovers and dress freakouts and pictures posed while modeling 1 am lush flush. There’s been swimming in clear water, fighting grasshoppers and napping under trees. There’s been last minute speech meltdowns and celebratory high fives. There’s been gasps over the dress, sighs over the kiss and a successful mission to recapture a flower girl gone rogue.
Originally, my plan was to try and keep life sane while preparing to watch my best friend get married- though eventually through both desire and circumstance, I dove off into the deep end and became fully immersed in all things wedding. Everything else took a backseat as I contemplated which mouthwash looked best in the bathroom kits and how to artfully walk in heels that were so high an elevator was almost required to reach their top floor.
This worked for me, because while the wedding was taking place- while I was surrounded by couples who had actively made the choice to be together it, I had a lot of time to think. To notice that couples who are happy are couples who actively work to make their partner happy. To at times, put the needs of others above their own. That happiness- really is a choice. To realize that at the end of the day, a girl doesn’t need to ‘grow a pair’ to make a hard choice, to make a brave decision- she has a pair. And although I’m leery to attribute bravery to body parts, I’d take my boobs over a pair of balls any day.
And so, at 3 am fueled on icy beers, creamy shots and a mystery drink that tasted like grapes, I made the choice to put myself first. To stop making someone a priority if they couldn’t do the same for me. It’s been days since my alcohol induced ultimatum and although one never wants to a) give ultimatums while burping Sex on the Beach shots or b) be a girl who gives ultimatums in the first place, his refusal to do something that scares him is more of an answer than any words could be.
It’s been years of back and forth, up and down, give and take. It’s been months of trying to convince someone to want the same things as me. It’s been a lot of sleepless nights wondering why I could never trump fear, why I was never worth a leap of faith. It’s been too long.
It’s August. And I’m starting over. And I’m completely by myself. And I will be okay.
I am SO PROUD OF YOU. And I know it’s hard. But I love you. And I’m cheering you on, every step of this (difficult, painful) journey.
Great post – good for you!! :)
I’ve been reading along for quite a while now, although I don’t normally comment, and I just wanted to say that I loved this post and I feel a sort of lightness for you!
LOVE this post. It reminds me so much of myself. I’ve, too, come to realize that hard lesson that you can’t make someone be what they don’t want to be. That is why I have deal breakers now that I actually stick to. Because at the end of the day- there IS someone out there that fits everything you want. Good for making yourself a priority :)
This is amazing, Brandy. I’m realizing more and more what I want out of my relationships and realizing settling for anything less than the best is not an option for me.
Atta girl. I know you’ve probably heard this a bazillion times, but if he doesn’t WANT you like you WANT him (I’m not talking sexually here, either), then he doesn’t deserve you anyway.
Lots of love!
You’re going to be great. Doesn’t if feel good to take a breath, look around and see the life you’ve made for yourself and how wonderful it is?
August is teaching me that I need to grab the bull by the horns and trust my instincts with no second-guessing it.
this makes me love you that much more. i admire you, my friend. and i’m so proud of you.
go counting crows!
I am so effin’ proud of you! GOOD FOR YOU for realizing (albeit under the magic spell of yummy, delicious foofoo drinks ;o) that you don’t need that crap no more and you’re not going to take it! Yes, you might be by yourself for awhile and it will probably be painful and suck sometimes and that’s life, but overall, YEAH!! Now you can look forward to eventually finding someone worthy of your awesomeness and is begging to be with you.
Booyeah.
Good for you!
This month? I learnt that being ‘hormonal’ during pregnancy is not in fact a myth. No-one is above that sh*t.
But seriously, I think I’ve learnt that I really am not in control of what is going on in my body and I just have to accept that. I learnt I’m more of a control freak than I ever knew.
I’ve learnt that I can’t push myself too hard – to know when to say no.
x
In the last month? More or less the exact same thing.
I’ve been lurking you for a couple years I think. I’m happy to finally see this post from you. Good luck.
Wow. That took a lot of courage. I honestly hope that everything works out for the best. That you find someone who can’t imagine a second without you in their lives.
XOXO
Oh and I’m not sure I’ve learnt anything this month. I’ve been housebound for religious reasons, and I’m hating it.
Woo, so glad you’re back! And that you had a great time, and a revelation! And that your friend got married! Those are all ace things.
Over the last month, I have learned that I need to take better care of myself. It means more effort – eating right, moving more, investing time into getting my finances into order and doing other grown up things like checking in with my health insurance, etc. But I think the effort is worth it.
It’s been about 3 weeks with my new ‘go gently’ life strategy, but it’s working so well. There are areas I can see improvement (no more heart palpitations from stress attacks, yea!) and areas where I can improve further (getting 8 hours of sleep a night, every night, needs to happen) and that motivates me to keep going.
Loving you.
Good for you for putting yourself first!
Amazing. I am so proud of you, and you know what? Sometimes we need shot-induced ultimatums and self pep talks and all of that. What I’ve learned in the past month? “You don’t have to do everything all the time.”
Two thumbs up for you. :)
I’m proud of you! No one – NO ONE – should have to be part of a relationship like that. I’m glad you were able to figure it out before the ultimatum was accepted. Sadly, they just don’t work and both people end up unhappy. So, now you can be happy and do things for YOU! Because that’s what matters in the end – you.
Have a great month! I know it’s your bday month so make it a good one!
So happy that you sound so happy, and so light. Mad love.
oh yay joy! I think that alcohol induced I am number one epiphanies are the best. So happy for you. :)
sometimes it takes a little liquid courage for us to admit what we’re really feeling. good for you!
A few things.
a) What the fuck is lush flush? And do I need it?
b) You don’t need a pair of boobs or balls. Because you already have like 600 pairs. Of cajones. Which is Spanish for eggs. Or balls.
c) I’m glad you’re back. I love you. I’m so proud of you for making it out on top of your crazy summer.
d) What I learned: I am reading Harry Potter for the first time. I know I KNOW. And now… well, now I get it. I figured you’d appreciate that.
e) I owe you an email. But the Goblet of Fire has consumed me for a day. I’ll get back to real life once I can manage to get out of Hogwarts.
Choosing yourself and choosing happiness is The Best Thing you can ever do. I swear it changes everything. You see people, life, love differently. But most of all you see yourself clearer. Congratulations on reaching this point and for putting that ultimatum out there. Because anyone who won’t fight for you or show up for you is not for you. Period. It’s hard to swallow that one (been there!) but I promise you, from this point on it all gets better. I mean it.
I think that I want a HUGE poster of that quote. It’s a very important lesson that I need to finally learn myself.
You are a great person, from what I have read on your blog, and I am 100% that you will be much more than okay :)
I honestly just did the cheerleader-esque, jazz hands in the air, saying “Yessss!” to myself while doing so. I’m so, so incredibly happy for you.
Good for you!!! I have learned pretty much the same thing in the past month. Hugs.
I am very proud of you. You kick butt, lady!
I’ve been reading for a while, but I think this is my first comment.
This month I learned how hard it is to actually do something as opposed to just planning for it.
Making the decision that’s right for you can be hard, so I applaud you. Remember in a few months that yes, this is the right decision. I’m glad you’re back to blogging. :)
That’s a great quote. Don’t waste space in your heart for someone who doesn’t care enough about you.
sometimes drunk thinking and ultimatum making is when we are at our best.
also yay!
also welcome back to blogging.
also. just because who doesn’t love some good R&R (Ryan Reynolds of course). http://www.celebuzz.com/2011-08-04/ryan-reynolds-continues-his-handsomeness-tour-on-late-night-with-jimmy-fallon-photos/
I feel happy for you!
Also, I got the card you sent me, it was such a pleasant surprise on a day when I really needed it – thank you!
I just recently rejoined the blogging wagon and your post was the first I read since coming back. What an inspiring beginning. I commend you for making such a difficult decision. Sometimes, putting yourself first is a challenging task (one I know of first hand), but you won’t regret this decision. I have a feeling this step will lead you to beautiful places.
So true. If he is not making an effort then it is time to walk away.
It WILL be okay. :-)
I have this theory that if both people are willing to put the other person first, no one gets left behind. Don’t settle for anything less, no matter how challenging it is to do (says the girl who spent 4yr doing the opposite).
Or to put it another way, yup!
Go get ‘em girl! Enjoy looking out for yourself, indulging yourself, and pampering yourself. All good and deserved things.
YES. Also, yay & you’re amazing and I’m so, so happy for you.
So, so, so, so proud of you. You deserve the best kind of love.
xo
Sigh…I’m in the same place. Which is no fun but for the best.
Great post.
Right on, sister!!!
What a powerful lesson to learn. I’m learning that it doesn’t matter how much I think I’ve prepared for something, it’ll never be enough. So maybe I should just live instead? And deal with it when it gets here?
A week ago I made a decision that sounds very similar to the one you’ve made. It’s ridiculously hard but I think I owe it to myself to quit waiting around and move on.
“It’s been a lot of sleepless nights wondering why I could never trump fear, why I was never worth a leap of faith.” I have felt this exact way for FAR too long, and have recently realized the hurt it was causing me just isn’t justifiable anymore.
I’m so glad I stumbled onto this post. Your strength is so encouraging, thank you!
Hi miss. I’m obviously well behind the times on reading (I blame two weeks of Orientation). I just wanted to say this rang so true with me. I went through the same situation years ago with GDB, and I was so happy that you were able to come to the same conclusion. Once it becomes clear that a relationship is one-sided, it’s not a relationship.
It still takes time to sort out all the tangles, but at the very least you are able to take your heart out and it’s a matter of just cleaning up the remaining veins and capillaries.
Great post! I read your blog regularly and never comment, but this got to me. You are a risk taker and that is honorable. Wanna know what I have learned over the past year and a half? Love is easy. Sometimes it takes work, but it’s not the kind of work that you dread, its like a dream job.
I commend you for having the balls (boobs) to move on from a chore of a relationship. Because no matter what people may think or what advice they may give you, it is so hard to move on sometimes.