A few months ago, I wrote a post called “How To Not Be A Shitty Person“. People enjoyed it. In fact, I got a lot of thank you emails from people who decided to passively aggressively pass it on to the shitty people in their life. Basically, it was a situation where everyone ended up winning. Because winning feels good, I decided to do a follow up.
How To Not Be Bat Shit Crazy (or “b.s.c.”)
Alternatively Titled: How To Be Someone People Don’t Dodge In The Hallway At Work
1. Vampires aren’t real so stop asking your husband to bite you. And if you are over the age of 11, do you really think having a photo of Rob Pattinson in your house is acceptable? (This is a rhetorical question).
2. If you’ve ever sent anonymous hate mail, you’ve been bat shit crazy. Want a remedy? Consider a new more socially acceptable hobby like using your taxidermy skills on roadkill rather than sharing your feelings anonymously. The only way to be LESS crazy in that situation is to sign your name at the end of your rant. And if you want to be completely revolutionary, re-think the point of sending hate mail in the first place. (And for the record, doing something like this means you have a Ph.D in being bat shit crazy. Which is a whole other level of fuckery. Congratulations. You now qualify for a reality show on MTV).
3. Don’t leave the house dressed like an Olsen twin and congratulate yourself on looking hip. Listen. I love fashion. I love mixing prints and colours and all that craziness. Fringe? Sure! Tigers? Why not! Faux fur? Let’s do it! But there’s a fine line between dressing like a carefree homeless chick who doesn’t give a damn and looking bat shit crazy. Don’t chance it. Stay classy and think hard about leaving the house in thigh high fur boots, a suede romper and Miami Vice blazer.
4. If you are Anne Coulter. Quit.
6. Routine facebook status updates about your kid and his/her ability to take a dump in an actual toilet are not cool. Just take a minute and re-read that sentence. That I had to write. BECAUSE PEOPLE ACTUALLY DO UPDATE THE WORLD ON THIS. For the love of God, stop being b.s.c..
7. Consider the effect you have on conversations when you routinely add in Full House quotes. In short- Cut. It. Out.
8. Don’t email someone asking why they didn’t follow you back on Twitter. Even if you are really curious. Especially if you are really curious. It makes you look desperate. And if you do it more than once, it’s no longer emailing. It’s emauling. And emauling someone because you want answers to why Lady Gaga hasn’t followed you back? Makes you, (say it with me)- bat shit crazy.
9. Organized religion shouldn’t prompt you to hate anyone who is different from you. If it is? Get a new religion because yours is making you b.s.c.. The. End.
10. If you don’t have a page dedicated to collecting pictures of baby pandas and puppies and elephants on pinterest, you might just be b.s.c.. (And someone I am not sure I want to know). Because seriously. SO MANY CUTE THINGS. Also, this is probably the best time to apologize to everyone who follows me and gets daily *baby puppy pictures. Wait. What am I saying? You should be thanking me! Look at this!
And just in case you were curious, gushing over pictures of dogs in hats is never bat shit crazy. Promise.
*And yes, I am aware that the term ‘puppy’ implies that the dog is of young age and the word ‘baby’ isn’t necessary. But doesn’t the term ‘baby puppy’ just make it even cuter?!