A few months ago, I wrote a post called “How To Not Be A Shitty Person“. People enjoyed it. In fact, I got a lot of thank you emails from people who decided to passively aggressively pass it on to the shitty people in their life. Basically, it was a situation where everyone ended up winning. Because winning feels good, I decided to do a follow up.
How To Not Be Bat Shit Crazy (or “b.s.c.”)
Alternatively Titled: How To Be Someone People Don’t Dodge In The Hallway At Work
1. Vampires aren’t real so stop asking your husband to bite you. And if you are over the age of 11, do you really think having a photo of Rob Pattinson in your house is acceptable? (This is a rhetorical question).
2. If you’ve ever sent anonymous hate mail, you’ve been bat shit crazy. Want a remedy? Consider a new more socially acceptable hobby like using your taxidermy skills on roadkill rather than sharing your feelings anonymously. The only way to be LESS crazy in that situation is to sign your name at the end of your rant. And if you want to be completely revolutionary, re-think the point of sending hate mail in the first place. (And for the record, doing something like this means you have a Ph.D in being bat shit crazy. Which is a whole other level of fuckery. Congratulations. You now qualify for a reality show on MTV).
3. Don’t leave the house dressed like an Olsen twin and congratulate yourself on looking hip. Listen. I love fashion. I love mixing prints and colours and all that craziness. Fringe? Sure! Tigers? Why not! Faux fur? Let’s do it! But there’s a fine line between dressing like a carefree homeless chick who doesn’t give a damn and looking bat shit crazy. Don’t chance it. Stay classy and think hard about leaving the house in thigh high fur boots, a suede romper and Miami Vice blazer.
4. If you are Anne Coulter. Quit.
5. STOP GETTING CELEBRITIES FACES TATTOOED ON YOUR BODY.
6. Routine facebook status updates about your kid and his/her ability to take a dump in an actual toilet are not cool. Just take a minute and re-read that sentence. That I had to write. BECAUSE PEOPLE ACTUALLY DO UPDATE THE WORLD ON THIS. For the love of God, stop being b.s.c..
7. Consider the effect you have on conversations when you routinely add in Full House quotes. In short- Cut. It. Out.
8. Don’t email someone asking why they didn’t follow you back on Twitter. Even if you are really curious. Especially if you are really curious. It makes you look desperate. And if you do it more than once, it’s no longer emailing. It’s emauling. And emauling someone because you want answers to why Lady Gaga hasn’t followed you back? Makes you, (say it with me)- bat shit crazy.
9. Organized religion shouldn’t prompt you to hate anyone who is different from you. If it is? Get a new religion because yours is making you b.s.c.. The. End.
10. If you don’t have a page dedicated to collecting pictures of baby pandas and puppies and elephants on pinterest, you might just be b.s.c.. (And someone I am not sure I want to know). Because seriously. SO MANY CUTE THINGS. Also, this is probably the best time to apologize to everyone who follows me and gets daily *baby puppy pictures. Wait. What am I saying? You should be thanking me! Look at this!
And just in case you were curious, gushing over pictures of dogs in hats is never bat shit crazy. Promise.
*And yes, I am aware that the term ‘puppy’ implies that the dog is of young age and the word ‘baby’ isn’t necessary. But doesn’t the term ‘baby puppy’ just make it even cuter?!
Especially #8. Eurrghhh stop it.
Sometimes I can’t handle the cute, but I appreciate you posting them anyway because seriously? Those two baby puppies are adorable. Also, as I read “Cut. It. Out.’ I did the motion. I promise i’m not bsc.
“….thigh high fur boots, a suede romper and Miami Vice blazer.”
Please tell me this didn’t happen. You made this up, right? Right!?
I should just email you the story… let’s just say I DID see this.
although I’m more partial to baby kittens, referring to them as such definitely doubles the cute.
xoxo
So adorable!
Brandy! What’s your name on Pinterest? I now have to follow your baby puppy board. And probably whatever other boards you have. =D
It’s ‘brandyismagic’. I’m so horrible at figuring out how to find people on there but when I do connect with someone I know, I get ridiculously excited!
Brandy! My absolute favorite outfit are my thigh high fur boots, a suede romper and Miami Vice blazer! I can’t give that up! Never!
Ahem. Love this post! And the baby puppies in hats? Cuteness!
#6 YES! YES, YES, YES, YES, YES!
A few weeks ago, one of my “friends” posted a picture of her 3-year-old and an older boy (maybe 5?) on different potties in their bathroom. WHY WOULD ANYONE TAKE A PICTURE OF THIS AND POST IT ON FACEBOOK?! It makes no sense.
I love this post so much.
Can I just say that it makes my heart soar that someone else in the world actually knows what bat shit crazy is and has abbreviated it b.s.c.? Because my friends and I enjoy using this description SO MUCH.
Passing this along to those friends right now… Thanks, lady! (And I TOTALLY AGREE with your points here!)
Number 8 and Number 9. All the way.
Okay, this post is brilliant! I love “emauling” and have been guilty of that, though not about twitter. I also LOVE that you poked fun at yourself at the end. Totally made my day!
Haha! If I had Facebook still, I would probably post about my kid using the potty. I wouldn’t care how crazy it made me seem because it’s a big deal. Do you know how much money almost 3 years worth of diapers is? Seriously. It’s a lot. And the prospect of getting your kid OUT of those expensive fuckers is so incredibly FREEING that you feel like you have to tell the whole world! Because, FINALLY! I can afford stuff for me again and not have to save for diapers. Plus, changing toddler diapers is gross. Way grosser than reading about them using the toilet.
Ok, mommy rant is over. And, yes, I am totally b.s.c and totally OK with it! That being said, I approve of the rest of the list!
AMEN, sister!
those puppy in hat photos – i <3! :)
To take the Facebook BSC (love it!) one step further: a “friend” of mine recently posted how proud she was because her daughter got her first period. NOT OK.
and this is why you are awesome.
let’s also add to the list “one uppers.” we all know someone like this and it makes them BSC. so i suggest they just stop it now. or at least cut back on the one uppingness.
I totally agree. Not only that, but people that try to “outsmart” you on facebook. Really? Not here to try and have an intellectual debate with you. Kthxbai.
These are all great, but #4 – YES! Why is she around? Why is she allowed to speak publicly? Why do people buy her books? I don’t get it.
In total agreement with #6 and #8. In mild agreement with most others.
As always, an excellent post. A+ :-)
damn, i love you.
seriously.
xoxo.
Um.
But.
Full house?
Nope. I refuse to cut. it. out.
btw, i miss you!!!
You nailed it. That thing about not quoting Full House? You got it, dude! ;)
You knew I liked you before this post. However, #6 made me want to worship the ground you walk on. Because after 3 posts about little Johnny and his daily habits in one day, no one cares anymore. Especially me. (And I like kids.)
OMG NUMBER 8. WHY DO PEOPLE DO THAT? Or heck, why do they ask you IN PERSON why you aren’t following them back/haven’t accepted a friend request? jesus.
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Quoting “Full House” makes you b.s.c.?
Well …. I say: How rude! ;)
Man, how can you not love Uncle Jesse? And DJ Tanner?!
I do like that picture of the boston in a hat! Too cute!
this entire post had be laughing out loud. love it.
I think #5 should apply to celebrities too. That’s right, I’m looking at you Megan Fox.
This? This made my day. Perhaps even my week.
Would I be totally BSC if I came up to Canada, kidnapped you, and made you be my forever friend? All hypothetical, of course.
Ahhhh those pups in hats are the best! Ever.
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