B.O.T.F.

I went through a phase in my early teens when I was obsessed with jury selection (I mean, who DIDN’T have that phase?) and read every book possible on the topic. This was after the OJ Simpson case and I was convinced that the right jury would have REALIZED WHAT EVERYONE ELSE ALREADY KNEW. I became an expert on how to spot liars, identify psychopaths and establish who wants to wants to chop off your head and use it as a soup bowl so I was convinced I would be up for online dating.

I mean, isn’t that what it really is? Identifying who is crazy and deftly avoiding them as you dive into a murky pool hoping to connect with Joe Fox?

One month into online dating and I can tell you this- no amount of prep work on murders, manipulators or molesters can prepare you for the experience of online dating. Thirty-four days in and I’ve gone on two dates. The first date was bearable but not great. The second man who I went on a date with is slowly becoming a legend for all the wrong reasons.

I am here to tell that story.

It started off all wrong. I had been legitimately busy each time that *David had texted a potential date night. We ended up talking on the phone/texting/emailing for two weeks prior to meeting. (Never do this. It sets the bar way to high and you end up having all these inside jokes that do not translate when you meet and it’s nothing like you expect). I had become increasingly nervous as the date approached. David was kind- but he was almost too kind. He talked to me like we had been married for a dozen years and he knew my favourite type of ice cream. At first it was endearing but after awhile it got worrisome as he mentioned trips we could take later in the year and asked me what kind of milk I liked so he could make sure he had room in his fridge.

Naturally, I did what any single woman in her 30′s would do when nervous on the first date. I paid off the waitress and proceeded to get mildly drunk before he arrived. At 1pm on a Saturday.

He showed up wanting a hug and I had a blue tongue from my tropical margarita. The closer he leaned in, the farther I leaned back. He slid his short fingers across the table to grab mine and I quickly crossed my arms. Don’t get me wrong. David was a nice guy. One of the nicest guys. He has a three legged dog and woke me up each morning with a text message about having a great day. I appreciated these things about him but the idea of holding his hand made me want to curl up into a small ball and hope that someone kicked me into traffic.

I wasn’t feeling it. And worse, the less interested I tried to appear- the more David enjoyed me. I turned into the worst version of myself, picking battles with him like we were ideological opposites on a political talk show. I compared his appreciation to coffee into a caffeine addiction (he said he’d quit). I renamed his beloved dog (he said he liked my name better). He talked about how he didn’t like people who had complicated drink orders (I made sure to make my next order 8 syllables long). I finally asked him what was something he hated and he said “Nicolas Cage”.

So I became a Nicolas Cage fan.

Take a moment and just think of how hard it would be to do that. Nicolas Cage is universally disliked. It’s like saying you like AIDS or car accidents or Ann Coulter. No one likes these things! And yet- I became someone who did. I raved about Nicolas Cage like it was my  job. I flailed my arms, I pounded the table, I got watery eyed as I talked of how National Treasure was an American classic.

And in the end, David agreed that Nicolas Cage wasn’t that bad. And I knew David wasn’t the guy for me.

Our food came and I ate silently thinking of how I had made the classic mistake of telling David I had no other plans for the day. No other plans for the day meant I had no excuse to leave. And I had to leave- being able to sway someone on Nicolas Cage was the last straw. I ate my sandwich sadly, slowly picking off all the bacon and putting it to the side of my plate (I dislike bacon. I know, I’m a weirdo. Let’s still be friends). David happily chomped through his meal, eating the bacon off my plate- his eyes smiling the whole time in a way that would make Tyra proud.

The waitress came to clear the table and I threw my dirty napkin on my plate. A small pile of greasy, cold bacon still lay congealed in fat, surrounded by leftover stubby fries and the tomato garnish that no one eats. As our waitress stacked the dishes and turned to walk away, a lone strip of bacon slid off the plate and landed on the dirty lounge floor. I watched as the waitress kneeled over to pick it up and just before she could- David snatched it from the floor and happily threw it into his mouth.

He ate bacon off the floor.

Bacon. Off. The. Floor.

I was reminded of the time I walked in on my parents having sex. You are so utterly shocked by what you have witnessed that you can’t scream or shout or whisper. There are no words for the horror that your eyes have witnessed and instead, all you feel is every happy feeling leaving your body with a realization that you are changed forever and not for the good.

David smiled as he grabbed the rest of the greasy bacon, from the plate still in the hands of the horrified waitress and started talking about what movie we should go see. Although I was sure my eyes had correctly witnessed him eating food off a carpeted floor, I had to confirm in case I was hallucinating. He nodded that he ate the bacon off the floor and chirped “5 second rule!”.

I quickly went into overdrive. During one of his 23 bathroom breaks, I begged for help and a good friend began messaging me a serious “cat emergency”. And then to further provide evidence that I needed to leave immediately, I also told him my friend Amber had broken up with her fiancé. I actually was crying at this point. He walked me out to my car, rubbing my back and when he tried to kiss me I replied with “Nope!”.

I started my car and put my head down as I felt tears slide down my cheeks. I wasn’t crying over the failed date. I wasn’t crying over the idea that dating was going to be so much harder than I anticipated. I wasn’t crying over losing my soul and pretending to like Nicolas Cage. and I wasn’t even crying over the fake wedding break up or the imaginary lost cat.  I was crying because I was disappointed in myself. That my years of studying humans had not prepared me to spot the man who would happily eat animal fat off of a dirty pub carpet.

 

* Names have been changed to protect the floor bacon eaters.

40 comments to B.O.T.F.

  • I’ve been on a lot of bad dates but this one wins.

  • Wait, was this ALL IN ONE DATE? I started to feel like this was a story about an entire bad relationship. So, hey, if you’re feeling like that one date was bad, AT LEAST IT COULD’VE BEEN WORSE. It could’ve been a whole relationship!

  • I’ll admit to being a lover of bacon but… yeah, that invisible line that divides polite society from lesser animals? He crossed it with that one.

    But you know what? There’s a positive to be taken from this date. You were able to convince him, with tears no less, that you were a lifelong fan of Nicholas Cage. Nicholas frakking Cage. And why is this a positive? Because, if you’re able to convince so readily, no jury in the world (even those made up of members who are “expert[s] on how to spot liars, identify psychopaths and establish who wants to wants to chop off your head and use it as a soup bowl”) will ever convict you. :)

  • LBN

    i too went through a period (am still going through a period?) of being obsessed with juries and may be the only human of age that wants to be called to duty like…woah (probably because it has never happened). i’m equally obsessed with living vicariously through my friends online dating ups and downs – so thanks for that. as for the bacon off the floor – i’m pretty sure he’d be disqualified as juror for that one as well. all kinds of ick

  • Oh my gosh! When I saw your blog title for some reason ‘Bring on the Funk’ ran through my head. He brought a whole different level of funk. Nasty!!

    Does he know about your blog???

  • San

    Oh my. I thank God every day that I don’t have to date anymore.
    Although, the bacon piece reminded me of “Along came Polly”, when Ben Stiller rubs peanuts on the dirty streets of NYC :)

  • Oh man, I feel like crying. On the bright side, there’s no way it can get worse than this, right?

  • I may have forwarded this post to everyone I know. I’m sorry that it happened to you but the entertainment factor of reading about it can’t be denied.

  • Jury selection IS fascinating! It was one of the reasons I wanted to study law. That whole bacon thing…I wouldn’t even have made pretenses at that point. I can’t even imagine! Sorry you went through that but of course I’m happy hearing about it :)

  • Sid

    I feel sorry for him. He’s agreeableness is obviously a desperate attempt to be liked and loved. Of course, this doesn’t mean that I’d date him. He ate bacon off the floor. That’s just wrong.

  • Jamie O.

    I thought my online dating experience where one of the two dates I went on took place at the local mall food court took the cake but I stand corrected. You win. And I’m so sorry to say that! Yikes!

  • I really hope this is that bad date we said you needed to just get out of the way. Really, how could it get worse than BOTF Man? I’m proud of you for sticking with it and putting yourself out there, even in the face of such horror as people eating meat products off the floor.
    Seriously, I can’t even.

    I thought it was bad when a dude I met online and didn’t have a single spark with still wanted to take me out. I told him flat out we were never going to have a relationship, but he was so lonely he was willing to buy me dinner just to talk to a woman. He was a sad sack (but now he’s married, see, lid for every pot! Even the warped ones!)

    BOTF Man? Needs a crash course in Appropriate Human Behavior before he tries to date again.

  • This obviously struck way too close to home. And I’m disappointed that not everyone is as concerned about my cat escaping as they should be, but I’m glad you got out of there.

    I think we are preconditioned to feel bad for the Nice Guys, because they always get the short end of the stick. But I maintain that being Nice is a basic requirement of everyone, and not a defining characteristic that should incur additional praise. But you know this :)

  • Off the floor? Off the floor, after it fell off of YOUR plate? If that was the only thing wrong with this date it would be enough to just walk away. You poor thing.

  • People need to learn that whatever “rules” they have are sometimes best kept within the confines of whatever world that doesn’t involve other human beings.

  • I was horrified when he ate the discarded bacon off your plate (way too familiar dude!) but when he ate it OFF THE FLOOR I physically recoiled.

    (Was this recent? Because I really want to know if this guy just quietly faded away or turned obsessive. Because I’m getting an Internet Stalker vibe. He probably has your wedding dress and your kids’ names picked out.)

  • Amy

    Stories like this are EXACTLY why, if something happens between Pete and I, and I end up single again, I’ll be single for life. I can’t even imagine potentially dealing with someone who eats B.O.T.F. And daily good morning texts. No no no no no.

  • Matt

    Came here because of a retweet, stayed for the bacon.

    I really want to thank you because this story helped me procrastinate just a little more at work. I loved that before the bacon incident, the red flag was the fact that he changed his mind on Nic Cage. You have to stand your ground man!

    But yeah, as a bacon lover even I can’t see the mindset of eating off the floor on the first date. Fourth date though, now that may be fair game

  • animalcrackers

    CARPET? HE ATE OFF CARPET!? Oh my lands. There is no amount of “have a swell day” texts that can save a person who eats off of carpet.

  • HOLY SHIT. This dude. IS HE EVEN FOR REAL? Does he have a legitimate opinion? Clearly not, because he’s a friggin doormat who changes his mind whenever someone amazing, gorgeous and smart (read: YOU) disagrees with him. BORING. He’s so…bland, but crazy.

    I mean, I love bacon as much as the next person, but you will never be able to tempt me with any amount of money to eat bacon off the floor. WTF.

  • Reading this just made me want to hug you. So hard. I have no words. Just hugs.

  • Aw, is it weird that I kind of find it endearing that this guy is comfortable enough in his own skin to do something so utterly bizarre and gross on a date? haha. As I was typing that I thought, “Yes. That’s real, real weird Sarah.”

    I’m sorry your date was lame. What is it about people being so damned agreeable that just makes us want to fight them?

  • AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!

  • I have to take a minute and at least admire his commitment to bacon, but there are limits, clear limits, as far as I’m concerned. Floor bacon might be acceptable if you dropped it on your OWN (NON-CARPETED) floor in your OWN home, alone, but never, ever, ever, ever when it has fallen from the plate of someone else while there are multiple witnesses there to see the horror happen.

    Also, boo to Mr. Agreeable! He should gain some opinions beyond the acceptability of eating bacon off the carpet-floor.

  • Oh man, Brandi. I saw you talking about this on Twitter and couldn’t fathom how someone could eat Bacon off the Floor.

    However, I’m a sucker for those National Treasure movies. Don’t hate.

  • I just don’t even know how to respond to this. Such a weird, weird man.

  • Sadly this exact kind of guy (minus the EATING BACON OFF THE FLOOR…GROSS)is all too common in the online dating world. However, not all guys on online dating sites are this bad…I vote for trying again because even if it does not go so good, at least you have funny stories to tell!

  • Please don’t ever stop writing. Ever.

    EVERRRRR.

  • [...] a post about online dating and jury selection – definetly in the running for best.post.ever. [...]

  • Bless his heart. That’s all we have to say about boys like that in Texas. That and “ew.”

  • Snarky Baker

    Wow.

    I…

    Wow.

  • I’ve had some bad dates but never NEVER food eating off the floor. WOW. Thank god for fake cat and friend emergencies.

  • Michelle

    OK, first. I cannot handle ‘nice’ people. Chirpy good morning texts. Agreeable (aka spineless – who really lets someone rename their pet?). Not. For. Me.

    But, BOTF?!? BOTF?

    *blinks*

    I am about to embark on ‘dating’ in the next couple of months (I think my head is pretty much right after my divorce) but this has scared the shit out of me!

  • Savannah

    Oh my goodness, this is such an awful situation to be in but the way you tell it is hilarious! At least in that way, something good came of it. :)

  • Oh man, I don’t even know what to say! I think to say this was a “bad date” would be an understatement. At least it will make for a good story you can laugh about in the future. Or now. :)

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  • [...] started dating again (which is an accomplishment in itself if you remember how my previous date had gone).  I fell more in love with my job, tackled a lot of personal issues and found myself [...]

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