1. I don’t drink smoothies. I mean, I WANT to drink them. Every person I know raves about them on the daily. But let’s face it. I’m lazy as hell. And smoothies involve peeling and chopping and slicing and giving a fuck. Smoothies are like, french braids or completed crosswords done in pen. You want to show off that you’ve completed it but there’s a level of effort involved that no one wants to talk about. I slice a lemon into my naglene and think I’m channeling Eric Ripert.
2. I skipped the Grammy Awards because I don’t need another reminder that my music tastes stopped evolving during the early 90′s.
3. I never answer my phone. Ever. I have a weird, deep seated fear that it’s going to be bad news. And I’d prefer all bad news told to me through a voice message, or even better- a text. Given the amount of legit panic I feel when my phone rings, you’d think the last call I answered was Pee Wee Herman calling to deliver the news that Rush Limbaugh masturbates to my picture.
4. I missed the day in school where they taught you how to not be horribly awkward around members of the opposite sex who show interest in me. The more interested a guy is in me, the greater the chance is that I’m going to a)blurt out something highly inappropriate b)spill something hot, red, toxic or sticky on myself and/or c) run. Literally. I have ran away from men trying to talk to me before.
Line forms to the right, gentlemen.
5. Every morning I take an anti-depressant. Every morning I wonder if I need it. Every morning I remember what happens when I wasn’t on it. I have a fleeting moment of panic thinking of where I was, followed by a surge of relief remembering where I am today. And then I thank Jesus for pharmaceutical companies.
6. I believe in karma when good things happen to me. When bad things happen to me, I assume I just am unlucky. This belief systems keeps me sane (and paying for the coffee the person behind me at Starbucks orders).
7. My pinterest fitness board consists mostly of lists about workout songs I haven’t downloaded.
8. I really love Tom Cruise. And I don’t care if you don’t, but if you trash him to me- we are going to have heated words and I may unfriend you from all social media outlets.
9. I’m maintaining complete ignorance regarding vine and I feel weirdly smug about this.
10.The best 15:26 you will spend today will be watching this. Yes. That’s 15 minutes. Yes, I know that’s a long time for something on the internet (other than shirtless Gosling photos) to hold your interest. But I promise, it will be worth it. It’s moved me deeply and inspired me greatly. You deserve to let it do the same for you.