Keeping It Real

1. I don’t drink smoothies. I mean, I WANT to drink them. Every person I know raves about them on the daily. But let’s face it. I’m lazy as hell. And smoothies involve peeling and chopping and slicing and giving a fuck. Smoothies are like, french braids or completed crosswords done in pen. You want to show off that you’ve completed it but there’s a level of effort involved that no one wants to talk about. I slice a lemon into my naglene and think I’m channeling Eric Ripert.

2. I skipped the Grammy Awards because I don’t need another reminder that my music tastes stopped evolving during the early 90′s.

3. I never answer my phone. Ever. I have a weird, deep seated fear that it’s going to be bad news. And I’d prefer all bad news told to me through a voice message, or even better- a text. Given the amount of legit panic I feel when my phone rings, you’d think the last call I answered was Pee Wee Herman calling to deliver the news that Rush Limbaugh masturbates to my picture.

4. I missed the day in school where they taught you how to not be horribly awkward around members of the opposite sex who show interest in me. The more interested a guy is in me, the greater the chance is that I’m going to a)blurt out something highly inappropriate  b)spill something hot, red, toxic or sticky on myself and/or c) run. Literally. I have ran away from men trying to talk to me before.

Line forms to the right, gentlemen.

5. Every morning I take an anti-depressant. Every morning I wonder if I need it. Every morning I remember what happens when I wasn’t on it. I have a fleeting moment of panic thinking of where I was, followed by a surge of relief remembering where I am today. And then I thank Jesus for pharmaceutical companies.

6.  I believe in karma when good things happen to me. When bad things happen to me, I assume I just am unlucky. This belief systems keeps me sane (and paying for the coffee the person behind me at Starbucks orders).

7.  My pinterest fitness board consists mostly of lists about workout songs I haven’t downloaded.

8.  I really love Tom Cruise.  And I don’t care if you don’t, but if you trash him to me- we are going to have heated words and I may unfriend you from all social media outlets.

9.  I’m maintaining complete ignorance regarding vine and I feel weirdly smug about this.

10.The best 15:26 you will spend today will be watching this.  Yes. That’s 15 minutes. Yes, I know that’s a long time for something on the internet (other than shirtless Gosling photos) to hold your interest. But I promise, it will be worth it.  It’s moved me deeply and inspired me greatly. You deserve to let it do the same for you.

21 comments to Keeping It Real

  • I’m too lazy for smoothies too. Its much easier to crush up some ice, add some coffee with a splash of milk and blend it up. I think vine is slightly ridiculous and am ok with that. I also take an anti-depressant daily and remember what its like to be in that horrible, scary place. I’m so glad that we’re both in much better places.

  • 1. Here is my lazy woman smoothie: frozen spinach + banana + rice milk OR baby spinach + frozen pineapple + juice. No washing or peeling or even chopping. I AM SO LAZY BRANDY. You don’t even know. Mike will tell you. It’s bad.

    3. I LOLed. It is 5:30 in the morning and you made me laugh. Thank you for that.

    9. I still have no idea what Vine is or how to use it. But I also hardly use Pinterest, SO. My social media adoption stop accepting new venues in 2008. Ha.

  • 1-3. YES. THIS.
    5. I love this. It’s so real and goregous and I want to give you all the props. All of them. I’m so glad you’re in this place now.
    6. &9.-ME TOO.

    PS, I’m stealing this idea for my dusty blog. ;)

  • Sid

    You’re one of my favourite ppl on the internet, and I’m convinced that if we lived in the same country and city we’d be best friends, but I just can’t agree with you on the Tom Cruise thing. I just can’t.

  • Vine? OMG. Have I become so old/lame that I didn’t know there was another platform or app out there? Jesus.

    I felt the same way about smoothies until my friend told me about this one: lite chocolate silk, 1/2 banana, a tablespoon of peanut butter and ice. It’s practically dessert, except way easier. (Granted, it’s a little carb-indulgent, but I drink it on the days I go to Body Pump, when I need a little extra fuel.)

  • Holly

    I LOVE Tom Cruise, too!

  • The idea of answering the phone – or calling anyone on it – gives me SO MUCH ANXIETY. I answer my phone approximately never.

  • NTE

    3. I am horrible on the phone. So much that if I actually call someone, they assume something horrible has happened (and they are usually correct).

    4. Other classes I apparently missed: how to put on make-up in a way that does not make you look like you are wearing make-up (or like a clown); owning a hair dryer is a benefit to doing your hair; other people are not afraid of speaking to you, so let them go first and when they don’t explode, just join in; and holy crap, you mean I have to leave my house if I want to remain connected to people? I think they must have taught them during vacations or something.

    10. Thank you. Smiles are most welcome today. (Well, any day, really.)

  • LBN

    hahaha – i also listen to the same music i did in the early ’90s, with the exception of music from the late ’60s/early ’70s

  • I don’t even have a fitness board on Pinterest. You win.

  • All right. I had to google vine. Also I HAVE to answer my phone because I don’t get how to set up my voicemail. So, I mean, fine, great, I just look really hot for a 100-year-old lady. Nothing to see here.

  • the way you feel about Tom Cruise is how i feel about Keanu Reeves. i know he’s not the best but just don’t trash him to me because i adore him.

    also let’s make every place in vegas play 90s music only so we can have epic dance parties and show off our moves. i think that sounds like the best plan.

  • #3 made me chortle because, you know, you’re funny.

    And #4? I wouldn’t worry about that. For the right guy, that fact will be endearing. And if he’s smart, he’ll run after you. (In a metaphorical, non-creepy-stalkerish kind of way, ‘natch.)

  • Um…1, 2, 3, 4, and 6 = me too! Clearly, we are internet soul mates. Also, I would join that line of gentlemen to the right. I think we would be quite happy together.

  • San

    I love that you love Tom Cruise. I think he’s a brilliant actor and I don’t care what he does with his personal life. Let’s talk Tom Cruise over Lemondrops at BiSC, yes? :)

  • Snarky Baker

    1. Right there with you, sister. I love the IDEA of smoothies. But actually making one? Ever since my green smoothie debacle, I’ve given up.

    2. Again, right there with you. I listen to 90′s on 9 on SiriusXM prett much every night.

    3. Hate answering the phone. Mainly because it means I have to talk to people. I hate talking to people.

    9. Social media is out of control.

  • Same on the Grammy’s and the karma and the smoothies. I want to be a person who makes green smoothies and things, but I’m not. I think I’d like it, but it’s a lot of work, for sure. Also, lettuce type things as juice? I’m not convinced.

  • I feel the same way about smoothies! Everyone has such a hard on for them while I’m like, “They’re too much work! You mean I have to wash my blender EVERY DAY?”

    Last night, I watched Vanilla Sky for the first time ever. Loved it! Hands down my favorite Tom Cruise movie.

  • That video was amazing. Thank you for sharing it!

    After reading this, every time I make myself a smoothie I will think “I’m giving a fuck” and laugh.;-)

  • ruby

    I’m a new smoothi-er and yes, I’m annoying in that I totally ‘rave about them on the daily”. Kale, spinach, berries, avocado, almond milk. I can jump buildings in a single bound, juggle, play eleven instruments at a time and shit glitter. Ok fine. I can’t. But they are awesome!
    No idea what vine is but I was worried you meant vino! That I know….let me introduce you.

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