I went through a phase in my early teens when I was obsessed with jury selection (I mean, who DIDN’T have that phase?) and read every book possible on the topic. This was after the OJ Simpson case and I was convinced that the right jury would have REALIZED WHAT EVERYONE ELSE ALREADY KNEW. I became an expert on how to spot liars, identify psychopaths and establish who wants to wants to chop off your head and use it as a soup bowl so I was convinced I would be up for online dating.
I mean, isn’t that what it …READ MORE
I just wanted a Pippa Middleton moment.
I’ve never had a note worthy ass. There is not a lot of junk in my trunk and I’ve been in awe of a great booty since Destiny’s Child first started singing about them. Magazines told me that with a personal trainer and a solid two hour (DAILY) work out, I could proudly have a rear to rival my favourite Kardashian. But I like free time and I don’t have a personal trainer and let’s get real- I’m a bit lazy. So I had gently told myself that living bootylicious-less in the world …READ MORE
Last year I went to BiSC (check the previous post if you don’t know what this. And no, this isn’t going to be another plea for me to get my ticket paid for. ALTHOUGH I’D REALLY LIKE IT IF I WON THAT CONTEST) and I admit- I did something for that trip I never thought I’d do.
And up until this second, I have never told anyone.
When I went to Vegas, I went with hair extensions.
And right now you are all- eye rolling and saying “girl, please. I thought you were going to give up something juicy like …READ MORE
This weekend I reclaimed my closet. At first I was just going to tackle spring/summer clothes and store them for the winter in my summer house garbage bags shoved into closets, but then a second of inspiration coupled with a fleeting moment of ambition led to me clearing off all my shelves, unfolding every article, removing each shirt, dress, regrettable sequined ensemble from it’s hanger and tossing it on my bed to be sorted and then placed in an appropriate bag to be either stored or given away.
I had had nearly finished when I stumbled upon a stack of …READ MORE
Want to know what I’m doing at midnight tonight? Here’s a clue: Yes. I own a wand. And a robe. And now internet, you know all my secrets. (I feel like I have to confess: working at a childrens theatre for many years gave me access to a lot of cool props. I didn’t buy the robe for myself. The wand, well that’s a different story.)
(Also? I’m FULLY AWARE of how many wand jokes you are all making right now.)
Please tell me I’m not the only person over the age of 10 who is excited …READ MORE
The title says it all. Here are ten things I said today (and I only started writing them down at lunch- that’s how crazy this class was). I spent a better part of my drive home daydreaming of a workplace where no one put things down their pants while talking to me. I’m sure there is a GREAT dirty joke in there but I’m too tired to find it.
1. “If you keep talking inappropriately about Michael Jackson, you will spend your recess with me”.
2. “Show me that you are ready for gym. That means you need to get …READ MORE
Yesterday I spent the day with the Obama class.
We were working on a tough language arts assignment when one of my favourite kids in the class, Kyra- came to show me her work. Now, we were working at a grade two level so I wasn’t expecting precision coloring, but I could tell that this wasn’t her best work. Instead of going all Nazi-coloring judge on her, I asked her what I ask all kids who I know are giving a 30% effort because the other 70% of them is thinking about when the hell class is over. I simply …READ MORE
Me: I wish I had a crush.
Andy: A crush? Like, what you had in the seventh grade for guys who still wore sweatpants?
Me: Welll… a grownup version of that. Life is just a lot more interesting when you have that one person you feel all, swoony around.
Andy: Why don’t you wish for a guy to feel that way about you? Or better yet, why don’t you wish for a relationship where BOTH of you feel like that?
Me: Are you nuts?! I’m not ready for that kind of commitment. I like my feelings to NOT be reciprocated, …READ MORE
You remember Mallard don’t you? If you don’t want to read the Mallard chronicles (and I don’t blame you if you don’t, that title ‘Mallard chronicles’ doesn’t scream “MUST READ”), basically Mallard was this stranger who was working at the same school as me (who was wearing a mallard on her shirt, hence the nickname) who randomly came up to me and told me she didn’t like my hair. AT ALL. (The “at all” was actually something she said). She looked at me like I had just showered in the liquid found at the bottom of a dumpster. And then …READ MORE
As I write this, there’s still not a 100% confirmation on whether there is going to be a debate tomorrow. My fingers are crossed that there will be one. Not only do I have a drinking game for the event, but I am genuinely curious to what both candidates have to say about the current state of the world and what they thought of last nights episode of Grey’s Anatomy. With that said, I present the:
It’s like they’re…mmmagic 2008 Presidential Debate Drinking Game
1. Drink anytime John McCain says the phrase “my friends… ” . I suggest shotgunning …READ MORE