On insomnia, Wal-Mart denial & the grace of prayer in a bathrobe

Lately I’ve become one of those people who routinely is up at 4:30am laying in bed attempting to use a soothing voice to tell myself to go the fuck to sleep. And when that doesn’t put me into a deep slumber, I make lists in my head- things I should do, things I want to do, things I wish I would have done, supplies I need to buy at Wal-mart for the projects I started thinking about at 2am.

(Sidenote: I’ve never been a regular Wal-Mart shopper, but it opens earlier than anywhere else (8 am) so I have found …READ MORE

On Twitter

I was on the phone with a friend recently and mentioned Twitter. My friend (who lives an almost technology free existence) started asking questions. TOO MANY QUESTIONS.

Her: “Soo, explain to me how you decide what is worthy of writing about on twitter?”

Me: “Um.. if it’s a thought in my head.”

Her: ” So it’s just random thoughts?”

Me: “Well you make it sound unimportant!”

Her: “Have you ever talked about your lunch?”

Me: “Irrelevant!”

Her: “So that’s a yes.”

Me: “Twitter changes lives. It finds dogs and people. AND STARTS REVOLUTIONS. JUST LEAVE TWITTER ALONE.”

Her: “You are …READ MORE

From The Hot Awesome Dude

Hello internet! So, it’s the last day of 2009, and I thought I’d lighten the mood.

A few weeks ago, the ‘hot awesome dude’ (aka: H.A.D) decided he wanted to share with the internet things I taught him in 2009. I was overjoyed with this idea. Of cooourse I wanted a list that showcased how life changing and awesome I am. Instead, he decided that he should cull allll the ridiculous things I said in 2009 and make them into a little list for him to re-read and giggle over like a school girl asked to prom. (He’s going to …READ MORE

Things I Said Today

The title says it all. Here are ten things I said today (and I only started writing them down at lunch- that’s how crazy this class was). I spent a better part of my drive home daydreaming of a workplace where no one put things down their pants while talking to me. I’m sure there is a GREAT dirty joke in there but I’m too tired to find it.

1. “If you keep talking inappropriately about Michael Jackson, you will spend your recess with me”.

2. “Show me that you are ready for gym. That means you need to get …READ MORE

The $100 Milllion Dollar Question

So a friend and I were discussing sports and he casually mentioned that some football player signed a $100 million dollar contract.

And then my head exploded.

After the grey matter was wiped off the wall, I proceeded to rant, rave and foam at the mouth like a girl with a wild case of rabies at the ridiculousness of ANYONE getting paid $100 million dollars to do ANYTHING.

Of course, my friend disagreed. He explained that football players have unique skills, they have a job that doesn’t allow them to play for many years (those pesky head injuries), they must …READ MORE

“My butt is my property”

Somedays I really hate parent bloggers.

Okay, that’s not true (I just needed a really controversial opening line and anything else my brain thought of involved B-list celebrities and was far too offensive to share), but honestly- I’m often pretty envious of parent bloggers. Having a kid is pretty much like having blogging gold on hand 24/7. Seriously. Every 2.8 seconds kids are saying something ridiculous enough that you could blog it and people would think you were hilarious. This is the same reason I get angry at bloggers who own pets. Or have significant others. Or you know, hobbies.

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Crush

Me: I wish I had a crush.

Andy: A crush? Like, what you had in the seventh grade for guys who still wore sweatpants?

Me: Welll… a grownup version of that. Life is just a lot more interesting when you have that one person you feel all, swoony around.

Andy: Why don’t you wish for a guy to feel that way about you? Or better yet, why don’t you wish for a relationship where BOTH of you feel like that?

Me: Are you nuts?! I’m not ready for that kind of commitment. I like my feelings to NOT be reciprocated, …READ MORE