Everything came to a point today when I told Giuliana Rancic that her tweet was dumb and she sounded shallow. Sure, I said it differently, but that’s what I was feeling when she told her 2,152,611 followers to compliment people today and then only gave examples that related to appearance.
I’m not sure why I even gave it a second thought but before I knew it- I was steaming about it. I promptly replied that it sounded like a great idea but complimenting someone on something besides their appearance might make it even better. And then I thought about it …READ MORE
1. When I go to Starbucks, I become irrationally worried that I’m going to forget my order. I will spend the entire time stuck in the drive thru saying my order on repeat. But attempting to say it casually as well, so I don’t come off as a *robot. (Because yes, that’s a serious concern I have- people mistaking me for a robot). “Venti, non-fat, no whip, white hot chocolate, Venti, non-fat, no whip, white hot chocolate. Why yes, it IS cold out today. Oh you like my hair? Thank you! What would I like? Oh that’s easy, Venti, non-fat, …READ MORE
Do you ever go to write something and then go read your archives and find a post you already wrote that is pretty much identical to what you were going to write?
And you are both elated (hello link love, let’s just save mamma some typing!) and deflated (I was way funnier two years ago)?
And then you realize you just called yourself ‘mamma’ and you wonder what it says about you when you admit to yourself that you like it?
Saturday is the *birthday. TWENTY EIGHT. I’m sure I’m supposed to be feeling all sorts of things …READ MORE
You can find the post HERE.
Sometimes I wonder why I haven’t written that book I sometimes talk about. Sometimes I wonder how come I don’t have time to practice juggling or learn how to speak French or find a few minutes to deep condition my hair. Then I realize, I spend my free time doing stuff like this:
That’s right. It’s a flow chart based on “The Hills”. That I created for a friend who acts like he doesn’t want to watch it but who I know SECRETLY DOES. I’m not going to lie, I hate myself a little for knowing so much …READ MORE
The title says it all. Here are ten things I said today (and I only started writing them down at lunch- that’s how crazy this class was). I spent a better part of my drive home daydreaming of a workplace where no one put things down their pants while talking to me. I’m sure there is a GREAT dirty joke in there but I’m too tired to find it.
1. “If you keep talking inappropriately about Michael Jackson, you will spend your recess with me”.
2. “Show me that you are ready for gym. That means you need to get …READ MORE
One of the more bizarre quirks I possess, is the strong desire to run from people in public places. There have been times in the past while shopping where I’ve heard my name called and my first reaction has been to drop my purchases and run like I’m being chased by a pack of angry wild dogs craving the taste of human flesh. That’s my reaction when I don’t know who is calling my name. It’s worse when I see someone I don’t get along with.
This week marks one event that takes place where it will almost be impossible …READ MORE
It’s Monday, so you know the drill. Read past Monday (or Sunday!) posts in January, February, March and April to get caught up. Also remember to keep the secrets coming and let other people know about the project. Submissions have slowed a bit so I may start posting monthly instead of weekly.
1.I got an abortion last week. The guy hurt me badly, so I texted him to tell him I was pregnant and getting an abortion because I was more concerned about my own feelings than his, and he responded by saying, “Well it’s done now, cheers.” The …READ MORE
I thought I knew what it was to be a woman…
I thought that I understood passion and desire.
And then I met Peter
He changed me on a very basic, but profound, level.
He taught me to believe and to dream.
He’s ruined me for all other men. FOREVER.
For my part, I’ve memorized all 700ish of his blog posts. I sleep with his book under my pillow. And I’ve created a paper-mâché version of Peter that I occasionally dance with at night.
Peter is all that is good and wonderful in the world.
But of all the things …READ MORE
Sometimes I think about writing a book. Not a thoughtful novel filled with witty characters with irritatingly unique names like March or Shark or Journey. Not a thin book of essays detailing the true bizarre greatness of my family, an ode to Sedaris genius in less than 200 pages. Not even an easy page turner about single girls who wear expensive shoes and find love only after they’ve publicly humiliated themselves or spent time in a Thai prison. No, I think about writing an instruction manual. For life.
It would start off like this:
Chapter 1: BE KIND This chapter …READ MORE