I have a student in my class, let’s call him Jake. He’s (secretly) one of my favourite students because he tends to see the glass half full and is grumpy in the most endearing way. He struggles socially and spends a lot of recesses with me as he says “I don’t have friends because my brain has a hard time making some”. He has big brown eyes and his shoe laces are always undone. Jake has a lot of anxiety issues and when I have a substitute at school, he’s so worried about me he works in counsellors office to help …READ MORE
1. I don’t drink smoothies. I mean, I WANT to drink them. Every person I know raves about them on the daily. But let’s face it. I’m lazy as hell. And smoothies involve peeling and chopping and slicing and giving a fuck. Smoothies are like, french braids or completed crosswords done in pen. You want to show off that you’ve completed it but there’s a level of effort involved that no one wants to talk about. I slice a lemon into my naglene and think I’m channeling Eric Ripert.
2. I skipped the Grammy Awards because I don’t need another …READ MORE
A few months ago, I wrote a post called “How To Not Be A Shitty Person“. People enjoyed it. In fact, I got a lot of thank you emails from people who decided to passively aggressively pass it on to the shitty people in their life. Basically, it was a situation where everyone ended up winning. Because winning feels good, I decided to do a follow up.
How To Not Be Bat Shit Crazy (or “b.s.c.”) Alternatively Titled: How To Be Someone People Don’t Dodge In The Hallway At Work
1. Vampires aren’t real so stop asking your husband to bite …READ MORE
I’m fairly certain someone (me) once said “When life gives you WTF moments, figure out how to turn them into FTW celebrations.” Which is only mildly less annoying than the phrase involving lemons and lemonade. Or the one your aunt always repeats involving lemons and tequila which she repeats so often you’d think she thought of it rather than reading it on a forward that she’s sent you roughly 34,595 times.
But phrases like that are around for reason (and not just to be complied into lists that your relatives forward you from now until eternity), they make sense. And when I …READ MORE
Well. Let’s just get this started.
A week ago, a blogger emailed me and shared with me an email she had received about me. Some anonymous person (because of course, these people are always anonymous) decided that the best way they could spend their time on Earth would be to write a novel full of lies about me and share it with the entire internet.
And for the record? It’s all lies.
I’ve tried to articulate to friends how it feels to read something about you that is completely fabricated and realize that you have no control over …READ MORE
It’s a funny thing- to open your mailbox and expect to get a greeting from a friend or a shipping invoice from yet another late night online shopping binge and instead find yourself reading an email from someone, a stranger- who is so clearly disappointed in you and angry with you that it almost takes your breath away. Of course, the first instinct is to assume it’s a joke. CLEARLY no one can be that invested in the life of someone they haven’t bothered to ever talk to or email before to send out such an angry note. And so …READ MORE
Oh, hi. I’m dying.
Okay maybe not but *whatever the hell I’m battling, it’s currently kicking my ass. Like, if me and this sickness were in a boxing ring, I’d be pinned to the mat yelling “SWEET MOTHER OF GOD, I GIVE UP, YOU WIN- TAKE EVERY SEASON OF THE WEST WING! TAKE MY VINTAGE WRANGLERS FROM THE 70′S THAT DO WONDERS FOR MY BUM! TAKE AWAY SWEET POTATO FRIES FROM THE EARTH! “, the second the starting bell was heard.
I was feeling tremendously sorry for myself while watching ** Lecture 3 in Game Theory (sexily titled “Iterative Deletion …READ MORE
I cannot decide which is more disturbing:
1. That despite not watching the season, I found myself transfixed while watching season finale of The Bachelor tonight. And I may have watched the whole second hour while standing on the couch, mouth open, spewing such a hateful and curse riddled tirade that a sailor would have blushed. And wept for his mom. And peed his pants.
2. I just admitted to spending two hours of my life watching THE BACHELOR. TWO HOURS. I could have written an epic haiku in that amount of time. Or upped my calcium intake with a …READ MORE
When I was in grade one, I had a reading partner named Claire. Claire and I would choose our favorite books and share a tired, orange beanbag at the back of the classroom. We would read each other the stories and if we tired of reading, we would make up our own versions, which would always include cotton candy and/or a magical unicorn named Rusty.
One day, while sitting with Claire, I farted. Claire first looked surprised, then she started to cry. I asked her what was wrong and she told me I was going to hell. God didn’t let …READ MORE
I’m still reviewing what I’ve done to deserve this.
Is it because I spend my money at Starbucks instead of sponsoring a child? Is it payback for that time I faked sleep to avoid talking to the boy in my bed? Was it all the times I screened my calls, gossiped or is this about that time I lied about what happened on my 18th birthday? Is it because I still listen to Soul Decision and play their music every chance I get?
Deserve what, you ask…
I just found out that my first substitute teaching day will be this …READ MORE