It’s a funny thing- to open your mailbox and expect to get a greeting from a friend or a shipping invoice from yet another late night online shopping binge and instead find yourself reading an email from someone, a stranger- who is so clearly disappointed in you and angry with you that it almost takes your breath away. Of course, the first instinct is to assume it’s a joke. CLEARLY no one can be that invested in the life of someone they haven’t bothered to ever talk to or email before to send out such an angry note. And so …READ MORE
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There are few mysteries that trouble the world as deeply as those relating to the male species. I imagine the dawn of time cave women scratched out their man problems on dusty cave walls lit only by torches that reflected their fat tears which tasted of salt and heartbreak. Was that too much? Yeah, I thought so too. In all honesty, I don’t really cry that often over men. I suspect that my ‘tears for a man’ reservoir was ran dry due to one man who left me crying for so long my cheeks forgot what they were like to …READ MORE I’m going to level with you. I’m a list person. Writing down everything I need, want or should do brings me the peace of mind that I can’t get with vodka shots with beer chasers yoga. However, when the to-do list gets insanely long I start adding things that I’ve already done. Just so I can check them off. Because crossing off things on my to-do list rates right up there with licorice and Don Cheadle on my list of things I love. Sometimes, I completely forget the point of a to-do list and just write a list of everything …READ MORE 1. I will never be that super cool girl who hears good news regarding an ex-boyfriend and responds by saying things like ‘Awesome!’ or “Good for him!”. I will be that bitter, hostile woman who thinks “him? why him? why doesn’t he just go fall in a manhole and save the world from himself?”. And then I will drink heavily. Or, if it’s a school night, I will wrestle my blankets and mentally re-organize my closet. 2. “Parent Trap” was Lindsay Lohan’s best movie performance. And anyone who disagrees should be prepared to duel. To the death. 3. Sometimes I …READ MORE I once got dumped over dinner and was so upset that I left my wallet at the table when I stormed out. My cheap, yet resourceful table companion who had just moments before broke my heart into a tiny grains of it’s former self- used my bank card to pay for dinner. Because I may pick soulless, callous men to break my heart, but I will make sure they will always know how to get a free dinner. But that’s not what this post is about. A few weeks after that event, I went out with friends to wash …READ MORE “I love you” That phrase has probably caused more happiness (and sometimes panic) than any other three word phrase out there. I know people who have tossed and turned over when to say it (Is it too soon? Does he feel the same? What if I say it and he doesn’t say it back? And if he does say it back, is he saying it because he wants to or because DEAR GOD- he thinks he HAS to?). I know people who have dumped those who have said it too soon, gotten angry when it never got said, who said …READ MORE I think it really is the meal of champions if you think about it. I mean, beer comes from poison wheat which is… a grain (hey! thanks Canada food guide training, you really came in handy) and ice cream cake is made from ice cream (I wonder if I could reprise Murder She Wrote with this type of detective work?) and that’s a dairy and despite the warnings spewed from the plump lips of *Kimora Lee Simmons, dairy isn’t the devil, in fact, I’m going to say it’s good for you. So. There you have it. Beer and ice cream …READ MORE I’m always shocked when people ask me for advice. Mostly because I’m someone who almost needs help getting dressed in the morning and have been known to call people to ask what I should eat for dinner. I’m still unsure of how to change a tire, cook brownies without burning them or have a relationship that’s more meaningful than the one I currently have with Jon Stewart. However. I recently got an email from a guy asking me for tips on how to break up with his girlfriend. Suddenly, I could feel my brain stretching to hold all the thoughts I had on …READ MORE I look back at my life and am amazed at what I remember, or more accurately, what I don’t. I can’t tell you what I said at my grandmothers funeral, why I thought I should date him, or how old I was when I got my first kiss. I can’t tell you what was the last thing my dad and I argued about, what my winning public speech topic was, or when I stopped believing in Santa Clause. It bothered me at first- realizing how much of my past is gone and not able to be collected. Like pieces lost …READ MORE Number of people I taught how to feed a horse without it biting fingers off- 2 Number of times I looked at Trout during the Bon Jovi concert and asked “Is Richie Sambora really wearing a snakeskin cuff?”-3 Number of times I tried to pretend I could still love a man who wore a large snakeskin cuff only to realize that although I MAY be able to do that (especially when the man in question plays the guitar like he’s making love to it), I could not love a man who wore a snakeskin cuff while also donning a shirt unbuttoned …READ MORE |
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